Published November 16, 2005
As I wait on the bench, my arms handcuffed
As I look around the dark room, shivering
I begin to think of what's ahead of me
My fate.
I didn’t do anything.
All I did was walk into
My house and have a gun
Pointed at my head.
What would you do?
Acting as swiftly as I could,
I disarmed the man.
Brought it to his head
And said this is your fate.
As I shot him.
My Neighbor walked
Up to my door asking if
Everything was alright.
As they finished there sentence.
They stopped in horror as the man
Lay dead at my feet blood
Spread all over the floor.
He ran home in complete horror.
Picked up the phone, and called the police.
The sirens came and as I blinked,
10 guns were pointed at my head.
I surrendered willingly and
That is how I ended up here.
The Chief came and said”
You are going to jail
For many years. No one
Will forgive you for what you have done.
3 months later I was in court.
I was convicted guilty,
And the judge decided
“Death penalty!”
As I sat in my cell,
Waiting for the time,
That I would walk to my fate.
I was lead to a room where,
I was to eat my life.
Several minutes later
I was eating.
Eyes closed and my
Spirit lifting.
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141,287 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Thank you I will try to fix it when I get the time tonight.
it was like a story. I really liked it, it was very dramatic.
As Liz first stated, it lacked quite a bit of emotion.... I think the main problem, was because of it's lack of imagery and metaphors. But then again, if someone were writing this...say, they were in jail, it would be something like this, and that's what makes it sound "real" sorta. This is the first poem I've read by you, I think. I think it was more narrative but I still liked it. Good job.
Sure, it's short of emotion. But how much emotion does one expect of someone who knows he is going to his death?
Great imager, I'd say.
I read it. I thought it was very nice. I generally don't read stuff on here, because the majority of it makes me want to fall asleep which I am genrally unable to acheive due to my morbidlly obese cat sitting on my lap. But I really liked it. I agree with TBR, and you could show a bit more emotion, but other than that, it was very beautiful
Greg, THIS was VERY AWKWARD!
To me, I couldn't find a nice and smooth way to make the poem flow.... The words seemed so sharp and jagged and one syllabulled... or something (LOL)
I mean I liked the idea of the entire plot of it... but there wasn't enough emotions. I am not saying it's bad, don't hurt me at school tomorrow, I can help you though...
Such as (If it doesn't come out bold then I give up on basic HTML...):
As I wait on the bench,
Handcuffed to the arm.
Waiting for my fate.
I started to think.
Can be:
As I wait on the bench, my arms handcuffed
As I look around the dark room, shivering
I begin to think of what's ahead of me
My fate.
That's just how I would have written it. You need a bit of description with each line, it will appeal more....
Anyway I had to sneak on to get to this poem because you wouldn't read it to me, but yeah, be greatful
-Elizabeth