Young Writers Society

Hello, Epic here!
Sorry if this is too short but everyone has explained everything and I haven't read chapter one yet. I don't usually review chapters so it's kind of different for me.
Alright so the first thing I noticed was this chapter is long, not too long but long enough that I had to keep checking where this ended.

I love your characters, they are likeable and well described.

I love the opening line, I dragged me into this story and kept me reading! Good job on that! I don't see where the sci-fi comes into this but I'm guessing that in a few chapters you'll introduce the readers to some awesome new characters or aliens or just sci-fi stuff. Which is cool, I personally do enjoy sci-fi.

This chapter is actually really well written, that everyone has said more or less everything needed to be said. I really enjoyed reading this!

(sorry it's so short)

~~EPICnumber1~~

I love Mavon! Such a colorful character. It's the little details that make her interesting, like the mint bubblegum. And the way she talks. Of course, the more major details, like her purple hair, certainly add to it too.

This might be nitpicking, but I noticed what seemed like a discrepancy: When Elijah was talking to Mavon outside the library, "He leaned against the pillar again and stared down at the ground." Then Mavon offered him coffee, and, "He snapped his head down to stare at her."

It's the word "down" in the second part that gave me pause. It seemed that he was looking down before, and there's no indication that he raised his head up before he snapped it down again. Either you might say, "He snapped his head up to stare at her", or you might add in a sentence in which he glances up at the sky. My current mental image is of a video game character's head glitching a bit, because it has to go up to go down again.

Not sure what this chapter has to do with the "Last night on earth" stuff in the first chapter...I still don't have any further clues about what that meant, but I'm expecting to find out before too long. I'm still enjoying it a lot!

Hey Ark! Sorry it took me a while to get to this, this week has been absolutely insane.

'Hello, I'm calling from E-Quire about a debt owed to the Orange County Library System' had just made Elijah's list of sentences he never wanted to hear again.

There was no one there to see them but an old man walking a dog, and he looked more invested in the pigeons.

It was almost identical to the carpet in the apartment, down to the strange brown stain in the middle of the hall.

Hey Arkhaion! I'm here for the big review!

I read the first chapter and thought it was lovely, so I thought I'd hop over to the second chapter and get it out of the green room before review day madness starts.

I must say, I love your writing style. Even though the plot is pretty slow right now, I'm still engaged because your prose is interesting. It flows really nicely, it's easy to read (no flowery language or unnecessary add-ins), and the voice is good (not boring but also not over the top).

As I already said, the plot is moving slowly, which isn't horrible. It's giving the reader a chance to get used to the major players and the world before whatever it is that's going to happen, happens. This is classified as a realistic sci-fi, which is a little confusing to me - I didn't know realistic sci-fi existed (sounds a little oxymoronic to me, but I don't read much sci-fi :p). This feels very realistic to me, but I'm not picking up the sci-fi. It's still early, so that could be a thing that's coming later.

I'm going to talk about more specific things now

The information wasn't that complicated, but he was having a hard time believing it—it had to be some kind of elaborate prank, someone trying to freak him out. Probably Morgan, if he knew her at all.

let the collections agency girl's voice wash over him like a cool bath of acid.

"If payment is not received within the next thirty days," she said in a chipper tone, "E-Quire reserves the legal right to seek prosecution on behalf of our client. Thank you, and have a great day!"

There was a moment in which his mother would have said he damn near jumped out of his skin.

"Holy—" He covered his mouth to stop himself from finishing that sentiment, and gave the head librarian a strained smile. "Good morning, Ms. Leuwing. I didn't see you there."

She raised an eyebrow and leaned back, resting a hand on one popped hip. "Really now? I'm supposed to believe you didn't see me?" With her free hand, she tugged a lock of her dark purple hair in front of her face. "I guess I need to dye this brighter, then."

"No, no," he muttered, "I just... Got a phone call earlier. I'm a little preoccupied." Elijah shrugged and ruffled his own hair, and cast a glance towards the library's front door.

He groaned and closed his eyes. He didn't even want to guess the time, but he'd been standing out there for well over half an hour, the sun beating angrily into his head. "What the hell?"

She grumbled the agency's name with the exact amount of respect reserved for dog shit, and a wave of relief ran through Elijah.

"Yeah, you might want to get that paid back. Listen, while you're here, do you want some coffee?"

I just had some extra, thought you might want it." She held out a paper cup stamped with the logo of some indie coffeeshop in the strip.

Caffeine sounded like Heaven, on a date or no. Elijah still felt half-asleep even after his shower, but he'd come to expect that when he snatched four hours of sleep in a crowded bar—and he knew better than to turn down an offer of free coffee. He took a sip of the coffee; the bitterness almost drowned out the sour taste of that E-Quire call.

He almost asked what people—then if she could read his mind—before remembering what they'd been talking about. Instead, he popped the top off of the coffee cup and drained the rest, and tossed the cup in the trash can. "Guys like that, or E-Quire?"

Elijah felt himself phase very slowly out of and into reality. Or maybe that was just the coffee kicking in, but he was very sure that Mavon had not just said what he'd heard her say. "I'm sorry?"

Unless you want to feed yourself to those jackals."

Some combination of the caffeine and the knowledge that the girl with the chipper voice wouldn't get a penny out of his bank account.
...
A feeling of euphoria raced through him, then sank like a lead balloon in his stomach when he remembered how much lighter his wallet would be in a minute.

It was almost identical to the carpet in the apartment, down to the strange brown stain in the middle of the hall.

Her easygoing nature seemed to melt away when she was in the library; she was replaced by a wall of rock called Ms. Leuwing, and that wall of rock was very good at its job.

A short sci-fi novel, exactly what he needed to get out of his high fantasy funk as of late.

He shoved the bookmark into one of the many pockets of his cargo shorts and pulled his wallet out. A bad feeling passed through him as he counted the bills, but he shoved it away and handed over exactly fifty-three dollars—and all of the pennies in his wallet.

In this great piece you've got...

"No, bad dog, bad Elijah."

It was really awful to read, it jumps out of the page in a bad way. You should find something else she says instead of this.

Anyway you've got a good piece here. It was very realistic, which isn't usually the case for this website. Nothing out of place, and your characters are defined enough that you see two separate entities. Not this blur moving in your mind. It's funny at times, I didn't laugh out loud but still. I thought the librarian woman was around 25 or so. I don't know any librarians personally but it wouldn't matter because at least you didn't give me that boring, mean librarian everyone is familiar with. She's attractive or so it seems, because the main character finds her alluring. I won't complain but does she like the guy at all? It seems that way. A little too friendly.

The coffee bit was nice but I have to say it's just coffee. It doesn't insinuate a date at all. And her forwardness is a little awkward. I wouldn't change it though, I still like it as a scene.

Overall you have a good piece, it's the second chapter so I'm not sure where you're going with this. I found it interesting because it isn't science fiction or fantasy. And it still grabs your attention. Good job.