Published July 28, 2009
This is a poem I wrote a while ago. I'm not one hundred percent sure what inspired it, but I am very fond of it.
Can you guys think of a way to make it better?
~~~
Lip gloss is wearing thin,
Sick of these heels I’m in.
I need my tennis shoes –
Done with impressing you.
Mascara’s running low…
I do not like this show.
This can’t be who I am,
And you can’t be my man.
This skirt ends far too high.
My heart is running dry.
I won’t do this for you –
You never loved me two.
Too tired for this show,
I won’t try this for you.
Not me if I am her.
Oh, I’m no longer…
Lip gloss is wearing thin,
Sick of these heels I’m in.
I’ll put on my old blues,
And I won’t care for you.
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This is a very neat poem.
You gave us an insight to whats happening and whats going on in the Narrators life.
Brilliance!
I really liked how it rimed, it gave it this rhythm and it was like a song while I was reading this.
This is great!
Hope to read more of your work.
Poetry is neat because you can write anything you want, any way you want. I liked that the message you were portraying passed over easily to the reader. Though it rhymed it was slightly rough reading; not exactly flowing smooth like you want it. Of course it's your own style and you should write it to your own fashion but my suggestions would be to not so much as tell a story but paint the picture. I know I'm confusing you:) Lengthen the phrases and try to make them flow better, take out so much of the telling part and show it instead. Otherwise I liked your Poem, I think you should continue in Poetry as well. Something I've learned as I've written is that even if my past stuff wasn't so hot, it made me a better writer in the process.
~Dakota