emo girl

Hey there.

I agree with what many of those who came before me said. I think, in theory, this idea could be engaging and meaningful, but the execution is what I really want to talk about. Obviously this theme has been covered many times before, and there have been many reviews before me, so I'll try to keep it to some broader things I think you could apply to all poems of this genre you may write in the future. Here are three ways you can avoid cliche and begin to explore this theme deeper.

1. Include some concrete images.

I like the ideas communicated in this poem, but that's all they felt like-- ideas. As a reader, I really want to be truly engaged with the writing. When you say, "every night in my dreams, I let all of it out," I /want to hear/ about your dreams. Don't be afraid to really go in detail, okay? As a reader, give me a specific thought or picture to hold on to, and try to connect it to the ideas you've already communicated. You'd be surprised by the efficacy of creating a simple image.

2. Think about structure!

Although there are no issues with the structure of this poem, I'd love to see you play around with structure-- line breaks, punctuation... the whole lot of it! This can be really fun and can create a consistent rhythm, something that I don't feel very strongly here.

3. Read works like this... and take notes on what not to do.

In my experience, most emo writers (or variants thereof) have some experience with other poems in their genre. I'm sure you've read some works like this. My advice isn't just to read more, it's to /take notes on cliches-- the stuff you see over and over/. Then challenge yourself to write without using any of those. I know you can-- from what I see here, you're a strong writer with excellent foundation to build into more advanced work. And you always have us to review your work!

Keep writing.

Jonathan

Love the fact that you have come to terms with the darkness within! great write

Hello there,

Well to begin with I really really liked the idea of the poem and the poem itself a lot. I loved the philosophical theme of pain, darkness, and fear, as most readers can relate to it and can apply it to their own personal experiences. I also like your perception of the concept of pain and fear especially when you wrote:

"I don't tell anyone about anything, because I don't think they'll understand,
I try not to cry, and I try to pretend that I'm alright"


However, I think there weren't many figures of speech throughout the poem, which is a huge turn off for me. I believe -yet not sure- that it was Stephen King who said: "Literature is the demonstration of the artistic truth". So I think any piece of art should contain some main factors to give it an artistic meaning and quality. I'm not doubting your potential at all. I'm sure you are aware of what you wrote and why you wrote it, as I'm also sure that you intentionally wrote your poem that way, which is very good after all.

I hope you find my review helpful.

YD Al-Ryan

Your poem could use a bit of work, bit the idea of it is fantastic. This is what most people go through and it's so easy to relate with this. So unto the main nitpicking:

Instead of using so many commas, you can just put a full stop at different points or start a new paragraph. All the commas make it like a big sentence, instead of blocks of words (stanzas) that make up the whole poem.


" I try different things to distract myself from my thoughts inside,
I can't break it, and there's no going back to who I was before,
I'll just have to be the emo girl I am!
That is the true me"

I think there's no relation between the first line and the second one In the quote above.

what are you trying to break? The first part of the second line in the above quote.

When did you change or become someone else? The second part of the second line in the quote above

Is there any other side to you?_ last line of the quote.

I think if you can answer these questions and include the answers in your poem, it might help make it easier to understand.

All in all, awesome idea for a poem. And believe me almost everyone feels this way too at one point in time.

This hit me hard. I admit that I relate to this, can understand this, and I know your pain. However, being labelled as an "emo" has its ups and downs. The fragility of the emo kid/teen breaks down even more when other kids start harassment. But yeah, I get your point of this short poem.

For the grammatical reviewing part, there wasn't a word misspelled or a typo that was in the poem. The eight lines you have want to rhyme with each other, right? What I do, is I start off a line with a few words and use a Rhyming Dictionary (online & free to use) to help sound out the sentences in my head. Typing: "what rhymes with (for example, cat)?" Into the search box would give me great results for figuring out how to make the two lines rhyme with two rhyming words. But still, you understand this simple offer.

"...and pretend I'm alright"
"I try to pretend that I'm alright"

Woops! Just a little repetitive, unless you want to lengthen the poem and add that line in every few lines. If not, my recommendation would be to change one of the lines. Think of how she's in pain, and describe the scary situations she finds herself in. More visual words would help the reader connect to the emo girl and writer, in my opinion.

You have eleven commas (I counted ) in this poem, usually at the end of every line and some in the middle of 'em. Why not switch to more semicolons, periods, question marks, or just make certain lines a complete sentence? The flow could flow easier if you work all types of punc. in there.

Every single line, I remember feeling. Living those lines. Living a lie. My favorite quote, that I made up when writing a poem for English class in 8th grade, was "I'm as real as a fake smile." Look, I'm an emo too. Social anxiety, Bipolar, OCD, depression comes with it. But what also comes is the self-hatred. If this girl struggles with anything in these areas as well as self-harm, maybe you can add it into this writing. You want to show the readers, not tell! I've heard that from many other writers, and I'm still practicing. Of course, since 5th grade I've been set on art or writing as a career (maybe both) so that's a few years of getting better. As always, these are my suggestions from the heart. I see you're also fairly new here, so welcome to the family of YWS artists and writers and authors and singers and reviewers and moderators! If you ever need a friend to talk to about the emo shtuff that goes on, I'm just a message away.

So, I think I've said everything my mind and heart have told me (which are actually cooperating for once). XD

Have a wonderful day Arizona!

~Freak

Hey I am here to give you a review!

The poem is short and sweet but it still has a lot of emotions. I can see the poem is a reflection of personas thoughts and you did manage to bring them out nicely however with a little editing I know you can make this even better.
I am going to show you how to try to make it better:

I am an emo girl who tries holding back the tears, (I like to avoid using contractions in sad poems as it makes the line longer which contributes to mood)
I try my best to fake a smile and pretend I'm alright,
When I do let all of it out, it is only in my dreams, (if using a caesura- the stop in the middle of a line make sure its placed appropriately)

That's the stuff I would change. Also add a full stop in the last line.

Keep on writing!
~RS