Sight

by Aristotle

Published April 17, 2010

Sight

Here I am,
Sitting in the dark.
I cannot see a thing,
I lie here in the dark.
Suddenly the sun comes up,
Everything is seen.
And everything is green.
And everything is green.
Now I am in a jungle,
I am seeing many things.
Some are big,
Some are small,
And some are very tall.
And everything is seen.
And everything is seen.
After hours of sight,
The sun sets again.
I navigate through,
The path I just tread.
I walk out of the jungle,
And I see the moon.
I now fall asleep.
I now fall asleep.

I am doing these poems about the senses for my English homework.

Comments & reviews · 3
thedelphinater wrote a review Review · Apr 17, 2010

I have to agree with Jagged on the repetition and being more descriptive. It's very hard to get repetition to work right, and with a relatively short poem like this it isn't really needed. Aside from the actual lines themselves, you also seemed to repeat certain words. It made the poem a little choppy and... dull I suppose. I would suggest just looking up some synonyms.

I would definitely add more descriptions. You had a lot of obvious statements, as Jagged pointed out. Also, try to avoid using words like "things" in your writing. "Things" is very vague and uncreative. You don't have to say every single thing you see, just a few.

Also, your rhyme scheme was a little off. Sometimes your lines rhymed, sometimes they didn't. It made your poem a little difficult to read.

This isn't a bad start for a poem, just change around a few little things and it can be even better.

User avatar
Jagged
Review
Jagged wrote a review Review · Apr 17, 2010

This needs more details: expand on what you see. 'Many things' is grandiosely imprecise and vague; same goes for 'some are big, some are small': no really? I never would have guessed. If you're playing with senses, and here I'm assuming sight, then expand more on what you see: describe animals, describe the landscape, the flowers, the trees, the random clouds in the sky... As it is right now, this poem is, essentially, a few words turning in circles.
Also, the repetitions are mostly unnecessary, in that they don't bring any significant impact of the meaning or give any important emphasis. Reconsider their use.



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