Published June 20, 2010
May 9th - 16 years before The Mockingjay Incident
“We’re going to have to make this quick!” said Haymitch, silently entering the Everdeen home.
“Okay, We’ll be in and out, quick as a flash,” said Finnick. They slowly entered the baby’s room, careful not to make any noise. They looked around for the target. Once they found it, in one fluid motion, Haymitch but some sleep syrup on the baby’s mouth and nose, and removed it from the cradle. Finnick gently deposited the package, and left a note.
Dear Everdeen family,
Katniss is safe. We will take care of her.
Love,
District XIII.
They clambered out of the house silently, and climbed up the ladder into the hovercraft.
“Got what you were looking for, fellas?” said the driver. They didn’t answer. They only showed him what they had taken. A small baby girl, named Katniss Everdeen.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well it has been some time since I read this particular series, but everything that's been used here is stuff that I do manage to recognize, so let's see what to make of this particular piece here.
First of all, I think this is perfect sort of quick scene that you expect from a prologue, it is perhaps a little on the shorter side but I think you manage to convey more than enough here to get the point across pretty nicely here on this piece and that makes for quite a solid opening.
The premise you're going for here is also very exciting. This clearly seems like its going to end up being very AU from the original story...and this particular change you seem to be starting off with certainly makes for a few questions being asked here, because first of all this is very interesting duo to be working together there, and then of course there's this whole baby stealing situation. The whole sleeping draft situation and just plain kidnapping seems like a bit of a darkish moment but considering the context it looks like we've got a situation where this is for the best somehow. At any rates, this make for a lovely prologue I think, I would absolutely be reading more of this.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I'm in love with the hunger games! I'm glad I found this. Anyways, It was great! But, i have a couple of tips. You said: Said a lot...For example, Haymitch said, Finnick said, The driver said. Maybe you can try saying Haymitch Whispered or something like that? It would bring more of a mood into the story and also it would make sense because you wrote:
So If he was trying to be silent he could have whispered. Thanks and this is really awesome! Can't wait to read more!
Hi Aristotle
I like this prologue, its short, sweet and to the point.
I'm going to read the rest as soon as I can be bothered.
midnightread
The comment was just a comment... Not part of the story.
Hello there. My, my, what a short piece.
Here you transition from using "silently" to "jumped". I would have liked a balancing sentence between the two to understand why the kidnappers decided to make such a swift motion.
And for the latest comment that you posted:
First off, you didn't use any quotation marks. And just a bit of prejudiced pickyness, "NOT" looks very weird. I can't tell you how all caps words drive me crazy, especially when they are overdone.
Another issue I have is, why is that stuff even typed out? Who is saying it or thinking it up? Overall, this needs quite a bit of work. I apologize, I do not like being harsh.
A moment of silence for Thresh...
A moment of silence for Rue...
A moment of silence for Glimmer...
A moment of silence for Foxface...
A moment of silence for Marvel...
A moment of silence for Cato... NOT!
Will update the chapter tomorrow morning!
pshh.. that's perfectly okay! I probably would do that on accident too! especially since Thresh is cool, though he died...
Oh man, I meant to use him! I don't know why I wrote Thresh!
I'll make changes.
Hi! I'm Narniafreak!
First, I saw this and was like "hunger games? AHHH! I love those books!" Okay. This leaves me with many questions however.
I like how you incorporate Haymitch with Thresh. Two very different people, from different districts and everything. However, there is one problem with this. Thresh is a contestant when Katniss is eligible. Haytmitch was a contestant like 25 years before Katniss. Therefore Thresh would have to be like two or three if Katniss is a baby. He wasn't acting that age.
Second, it says it is May 9th, Katniss was born on May 8th, therefore she is a year old. [I'm sure you know this] But honestly, would a mother, who has just give birth yesterday leave her baby alone in the house? I don't think so. Even if she had a job, I'm sure she'd have weeks to recover. There's not way she'd be well enough to go back to work one day after birthing. Just something to think about.
Alright. They are being sneaking so they don't get caught and they want to be "quick". However, you use twice that they "slowly enter". I would change at least one to silently or something about stealth. Otherwise, they aren't even following their own instructions.
Okay! I'm done being picking. I would love to read more of this, though. It will be interesting to see how this ties in with the actual story and why they are stealing Katniss! Maybe, instead of using Thresh [since he'd be too young]use that guy from the second book, Catching Fire, from Distict Four. I can't think of his name but I think it starts with an F. That way you can incorporate different districts, but have them the right ages. Otherwise this was good. I'm sure there were a few grammatical errors or typos but I'm not good at pointing them out so I hope these comments help! Keep writing, I'd love to read more.
-Narniafreak!
P.S. I have always thought of doing a Hunger Games fanfic but am currently awaiting the next book to find out the end before I write too far into my story. I'm thinking of doing Gale's Story [his point of view during all of this].
P.S.S. If you have any questions, need a review of any kind, want more elaboration/help, or post more please feel free to PM and ask/tell away!!!