Published February 10, 2010
Believe
Prologue
My name is Ezekiel. I have a story to tell all of you inhabitants of Earth, for you might be next to witness what my world has witnessed. Total destruction. I live in the world of Kamakase, in the the counry of Salonia. Slowly, the light from another world is consuming our world, which is shrouded in darkness, forever, or so we thought. The world powers are doing nothing to stop this. I am the leader of a group of rebels called the Dark Revolt. Our mission: Keep the light from invading. Our purpose: To save Kamakase and other worlds.
The Dream
In my dream, I am walking along my hometown’s beach by the sea of Talmone. In the distance, I see a man shrouded in a white cloak with grey trim. Looking at him hurts my eyes, which are adjusted to mostly darkness. I call to him: “Hello there! Who are you, stranger?” He turns around, and sees me. I instantly regret calling out to him, for when he sees me, he rushes at me with a giant steel axe. The blade was made of steel, and the shaft was of some white wood. I don’t know why he rushed at me with such anger, but I quickly unsheathed my sword from its scabbard. I called it Redemption, and it had served me through many fights. I did a full blade contact with the shaft, trying to break it in half. Somehow, at the force of the attack, my sword blade split right in half. The man in white looked at me with a maniacal gleam in his eye, and brought his axe down on my head.
“No!” I screamed. I woke up the instant the dream was over. “Hey, you alright, Zeke?” asked my best friend, Derek. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I said. “Just had a bad dream.” “Well,” said Derek “If it would help you cope, the speeder is up and running.” “Great.” I said. “Tell the Revolters that we go to Galia today.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,478 Literary Works • 674,502 Reviews
Hey hey! Alex here with a review!
Since I'm new, I do't really know exactly how to quote things from the text/story, I'll try the best I can to make it look nice. I really, really like this text and the information dumping at the beginning was quite nice! In other words, keep up the good work, and you'll make it to the top of this whole tangled mess. I'll also say one more thing, I really like the little piece of text at the end titled, "The Dream" y'know? It's like a little mini-story all in one whole text! I love it!
Hello Alex! Here's the code for quoting from the story
[quote]Copy paste the quote[/quote]Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...this is a very intriguing start. Its not too often we get to see a perspective of this type coming across to us and it is pretty intriguing because right away it seems that there's been quite a sizeable amount of worldbuilding going into this particular story and the possibility of some sort of interdimensional threat. A pretty solid start to proceedings I'd say.
Hmm..well the fact that this is pretty clear labelled as a dream is an interesting choice there. At any rate, its a nice intense little sequence although clearly not connected to the rest of what is going on. I do have to wonder how this is going to end up tying into that opening though. It is one thing to have a dream, but this dream seems to be so disconnected from the opening that it is a little troubling to see.
Well...that part seems to link to this at least so I'm guessing this is maybe just another section to the story. At any rate, taking a second peek at that part would probably be a good idea. That aside, this ending is quite nice I think. I like how you don't spend too long on the dream so that we've got something to think about later but rather dive into what seems like the start of an adventure. Its quite nicely done there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi Aristotle!
I would probably get rid of the prologue... it tells the reader what to expect, but as a reader, I would rather read something with tons of action as far as an introduction goes. So definitely go for the action!
The dream thing seems really cool, but the part where he wakes up seems a bit odd. The prologue and dream sequence are written in a very formal style suitable for epics, but the dialogue is very teenage lit sounding. Not entirely bad, just a little odd!
And you should definitely edit this piece to include the rest of your chapter.
Hello! I will be reviewing your piece today.
AH! INFODUMP! This is when writers write a LOT in a LITTLE space- like this prologue. All this information could be given in small doses, subtly, through out the entire story. The up side, however, is that it really grabbed me! To take it out or to not? That is the question! Hmmmm.
I'm pretty sure that comma shouldn't be there...XD
This paragraph can really confuse the reader-like me. When one person speaks it has to be a different paragraph each time, like this:
"No!" I screamed. I woke up the instant the dream was over
"Hey, you alright, Zeke?" asked my best friend, Derek.
"Yeah, Im fine," I said, "Just had a bad dream."
"Well," said Derek, "If it would help you cope, the speeder is up and running."
"Great," I said, "Tell the Revolters that we go to Galia today."
Also note that there are some punctuation errors in this paragraph. Meaning, change them!
Well, that's about it. Besides nitpicks though, this piece was rather good. Just... short. I know this is only the first quarter of the chapter, but it's only two paragraphs! Are you intending it to be a long short story? If so, erase all that! Otherwise, you really have to stretch! The key to stretching is describing, so describe! Use your senses and good luck!
winie*
Hi Aristotle!Your story sounds interesting. Are you going to go into more detail about the light invading? To me, it sounds like your trying make light bad and dark good. I think that's cool, because it goes against what we normally find in literature. 
Spoiler