Young Writers Society

Hey hey! Alex here with a review!

Since I'm new, I do't really know exactly how to quote things from the text/story, I'll try the best I can to make it look nice. I really, really like this text and the information dumping at the beginning was quite nice! In other words, keep up the good work, and you'll make it to the top of this whole tangled mess. I'll also say one more thing, I really like the little piece of text at the end titled, "The Dream" y'know? It's like a little mini-story all in one whole text! I love it!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

My name is Ezekiel. I have a story to tell all of you inhabitants of Earth, for you might be next to witness what my world has witnessed. Total destruction. I live in the world of Kamakase, in the the counry of Salonia. Slowly, the light from another world is consuming our world, which is shrouded in darkness, forever, or so we thought. The world powers are doing nothing to stop this. I am the leader of a group of rebels called the Dark Revolt. Our mission: Keep the light from invading. Our purpose: To save Kamakase and other worlds.

In my dream, I am walking along my hometown’s beach by the sea of Talmone. In the distance, I see a man shrouded in a white cloak with grey trim. Looking at him hurts my eyes, which are adjusted to mostly darkness. I call to him: “Hello there! Who are you, stranger?” He turns around, and sees me. I instantly regret calling out to him, for when he sees me, he rushes at me with a giant steel axe. The blade was made of steel, and the shaft was of some white wood. I don’t know why he rushed at me with such anger, but I quickly unsheathed my sword from its scabbard. I called it Redemption, and it had served me through many fights. I did a full blade contact with the shaft, trying to break it in half. Somehow, at the force of the attack, my sword blade split right in half. The man in white looked at me with a maniacal gleam in his eye, and brought his axe down on my head.

“No!” I screamed. I woke up the instant the dream was over. “Hey, you alright, Zeke?” asked my best friend, Derek. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I said. “Just had a bad dream.” “Well,” said Derek “If it would help you cope, the speeder is up and running.” “Great.” I said. “Tell the Revolters that we go to Galia today.”

Hi Aristotle!

I would probably get rid of the prologue... it tells the reader what to expect, but as a reader, I would rather read something with tons of action as far as an introduction goes. So definitely go for the action!

The dream thing seems really cool, but the part where he wakes up seems a bit odd. The prologue and dream sequence are written in a very formal style suitable for epics, but the dialogue is very teenage lit sounding. Not entirely bad, just a little odd!

And you should definitely edit this piece to include the rest of your chapter.

Hello! I will be reviewing your piece today.

My name is Ezekiel. I have a story to tell all of you inhabitants of Earth, for you might be next to witness what my world has witnessed. Total destruction. I live in the world of Kamakase, in the the counry of Salonia. Slowly, the light from another world is consuming our world, which is shrouded in darkness, forever, or so we thought. The world powers are doing nothing to stop this. I am the leader of a group of rebels called the Dark Revolt. Our mission: Keep the light from invading. Our purpose: To save Kamakase and other worlds.

In the distance, I see a man shrouded in a white cloak with grey trim.

“No!” I screamed. I woke up the instant the dream was over. “Hey, you alright, Zeke?” asked my best friend, Derek. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I said. “Just had a bad dream.” “Well,” said Derek “If it would help you cope, the speeder is up and running.” “Great.” I said. “Tell the Revolters that we go to Galia today.”

Hi Aristotle!

Spoiler! :

Your story sounds interesting. Are you going to go into more detail about the light invading? To me, it sounds like your trying make light bad and dark good. I think that's cool, because it goes against what we normally find in literature.