*deleted*

Hey there. This had potential, but the presentation of this piece makes your ideas rather hard to digest by the reader.

Firstly, you lacked description. It was quite hard to picture exactly as to what was happening. You also tell more than showed, making the piece quite boring to read and all the tension in the scene lost. With the heavy theme of Death, I had expected more of a dominating presence with Death. Sadly, there wasn't.

Kayta was a dull character in my opinion. There was no character development, not much actions to show more of her as a character, no links with the character and the environment, and she just talks mostly about her views on emotion and sparing her daughter. Pretty mind numbing aye? Hardly. Why the hell should I care about Kayta? Who were Kayta? What place did they had in the society? Show these things to us so that she becomes a defined individual.

Emily's change to Death is ludicrous in my opinion. There was no development and depth leading to the final sentence that suggests this. Are you saying that she became Death that "proof"? I don't find it convincing. I'm pretty sure there's more to it than just that. She got turned into Death for crying out loud.

Then there was the dialogue. Oh my God, I felt like tearing my hair out because it was dull and uninteresting. You might think that it is mind numbing, but really it isn't. This is because firstly, Death himself is just a cliche personification (there was no further elaboration of this Death in your story), secondly, you used a lot of heavy words in the dialogue that were merely just there in an attempt for shock value rather than for emotion. Thirdly, there wasn't even any development leading up to such heavy dialogue. It's like you learning to run before knowing how to walk.

I'll stop there. I think you have a clear idea as to what is wrong with this piece. Don't use the excuse of "Oh just think about it," because honestly, there was actually nothing much to think about it. There was no imagery, no elaboration of ideas, no character development. It's just a pile of bones, nothing else.

I suggest you rewrite this and consider my points above. The ideas in this piece can be promising, but you need further elaboration and originality in what you are portraying.

Andy.

Jah, LIH. I wasn't sure how to point that out without sounding ...* It is interesting though. :D:D:D:D LIH [laugh in head]

She wasn't afraid for herself, she was afraid for Katya, which was why she tryed not to show fear until it became to protect Katya. although if I have to explain it, it just proves that the story needs a lot of improvement. lol

She wasn't afraid for herself, she was afraid for Katya, which was why she tryed not to show fear until it became to protect Katya.

Interesting point But then, why do we associate death with men too?

I understand what your saying, but think about it like this: If you hadn't pointed out in your subtitle that this was about a death goddess, we would have no idea what this story was about. I mean, there is no clear distinction of Emily becoming death.

Everyone has a different view of death. I mean, what if somone believes in Heaven, or Nirvana etc? What would they think about death?

I don't understand what you mean when you say Emily wasn't afraid of anything. I mean, she definitely displayed some fear there when she was worried about Katya.

Just please clarify some things so we know what's going on.
YW, by the way

The Slavics (Along with baltics, german, and many others), portray death as a woman. How did death become a woman?

I think the answers to all your questions can be answered by just thinking about the story. This is death. To really understand this you have to see it through the characters eyes.

The first thing you pointed out, death expected Emily to be afriad of him, but she wasn't. He had nothing she was afraid of.

The second one is Emily's view on why so many people are afraid of death. For some it's what comes after, for others it's being taken away from the only thing they know, and for others it's losing what they love. Family, friends, lovers, ect.

If you just think, and read close enough you'll understand. I admit, this isn't my strongest piece, and I should never turn to writing when I'm bored, but I liked the title so I figured I'd write something on a whim (not my strong suit, obviously).

Thank you for the critique though, I really appriciate your input.

-Arion

It's good, but a little confusing in some parts.

“I have me,” He pointed out.
“Exactly.”

This is too vague. I have no idea what you mean by this.

“Do you know what people have done to escape me? They fear
me so, they are willing to kill those they love. Fear is the strongest
emotion, how is it that you escape it?”

This doesn't make any sense with what is said next. 'You kill people you love...' 'We hate you because you take people we love.' What???????

“No,” I shook my head. “People fear you because they hate
you. They hate you because you take away the things they love.”

Um... this doesn't make sense to me. Hate and fear don't really go together. To me, people fear what they don't understand. I mean, we don't know WHY our loved one had to die. We don't really know WHY people die.
Besides that... Emily really does not fear death after Katya is dead.

Katya, be calm. If he thinks he can have you, he will.

Thoughts should be italicized. If Katya and Emily are so bound in love, why doesn't Katya get the message?

“No,” I shook my head. Fighting to keep my face and voice
clean of emotion. I would not betray myself as Katya had. I was stronger
than that. More trained, while Katya lived by emotions.

WHOA!!! I thought Emily loved Katya. Why is she suddenly putting her down?
Being emotional is not weak. I mean, Emily herself gets EXTREMELY emotional when Katya dies. It's not really fair/right for her to say that, especially when she feels so strongly about Katya. Please clarify.

Death was kneeling behind me know.

Now.

“I would live…a thousand deaths.”

This is confusing. Please clarify.

Death laughed again, “Because now you hate me. Now you fear
me. Now you see what I can do!” He pointed at Katya. Like I couldn’t
already see her. The hate rose up in me again, spreading through me like
wildfire, eating up everything until I was nothing but rage. Not fear, rage.

Why does death want people to hate him? What makes him think she is in fear? He can feel fear. Why doesn't he get it?

“You will die,” I said. My words cut like ice. Cold and slicing. I
could feel the backwash of his pain through the ties that bound us. The ties
of my loss.

This doesn't make sense. Death die? What???

Overall, I think you could do much better with this. I mean, we don't really get the change of Emily becoming death. I mean, does she hate herself, since she became exactly what she hated, or is it like two seperate entities inside of her?
We need more background. We have no idea where this is, where Emily and Katya came from, etc.
Also, what does this have to do with the Slavic goddess? That part isn't made clear at all.
PM me if you have any questions. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D