Young Writers Society

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention.....
Um, Arion? Maybe YOU should write the story. Not the... other Arion [???]

Okay.
I'm sorry, but I have to point this out.
If you have to keep explaining the situation to us outside of the story, you aren't revealing enough. You shouldn't have to explain anything to us. It should be obvious what you felt, what you're thinking in the writing.

There is a difference between people looking out for you and people pushing you around. People bossing you around is NOT friendship. It doesn't matter if they're right or not. They should respect you enough to AT LEAST listen to your problem and not assume things about the situation.

Besides, what makes them right all the time? I have seen NOTHING in this piece that shows they are right about anything. I'm sorry, but these characters [emphasise on characters] show nothing of really caring. Arion says 'I wonder why they're friends with me.' Why is SHE friends with THEM? From what I gather from this piece, they are not constructive to the plot. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THEM!!!!!!

Please elaborate on Arion's thoughts and feelings. Please please please reveal more of her character. We know nothing except what you tell us. That paragraph about John you just wrote should have been in the work, not a reply!!!!
PM me if you have questions... or comments... or snide remarks....

Actually, the model is from a book I finished a few weeks ago, so if I were to get it published it would show that these were people living in the same world...kind-of hard to explain. (Oh, and I will be changing it to a date, seeing as the date comes in later)

(passes keyboard on to Arion...)

John...is...was, amazing at first. I mean, when I said he was the kind-of guy I didn't think I would ever be able to be with, I meant it. He was smooth, and sweet, and seemed perfect...I mean, things any girl would want in high school right? I mean who doesn't want to date the desired (I know, I know, people with more than an ounce of dignitay. I've learned that lesson).

The reason I let my friends push me around that much...is well, because their my best friends, and they've always been there for me, and so far, they've never been wrong. So even if I don't want to do something, if they say I should, they're normally right. That's part of the reason I put up with some of their downsides, because when it comes down to it, everything they do is to try to make me happy when that's what I want most. (though I actually do enjoy most of the things I say I dont.) That's what I want in a friend, somebody who looks out for me. These girls do that.

(back to Arion. Gosh, this name things getting confuzing.)

Okay, now, though it may be getting a little annoying, the reason I'm letting Arion answer your questions is because I've been thinking the same thing you have during the writing process, and now, I know how to fix these problems. This is just a first draft though. It's supposed to be rough. Very rough. Then I get to fix it, and when that time comes, I'm going to be very, very grateful for these critiques. Thank you very, very much for all your help! (I know I keep saying that, but it's still just as true)\

-Arion(s)

I agree with Stella about John asking her out. I mean, since they only met in class, and otherwise [from what I gather] didn't talk to eachother, it makes his intentions obvious.
Now, if it was just a date, and not going out, that would be a completely different story.

Overall, you could have done a LOT better with this. This story is more about Arion's friends than about her. The only real thing we get from her is the flashback and the crying afterwards, and then the smoking.

“No.” I tried crossing my arms for effect, but the two girls on
either side of me wouldn’t let me.

“To bad,” Sasha announced, opening the door. I was herded in

Okay, THIS^^^^^^^^^ is killing your story. Arion doesn't want to do something, but her friends force her to do it. I mean, come ON!!!! Make these people decent enough to listen to the problem!!!!! This constant and blatant disregard for Arion's feelings is getting extremely tiresome!

SHOW US how these people care. As a reader, nailpolish and chocolate don't really do it for me

This segment is WAY too drawn out. Where John tried to get her to sleep with him should happen sooner. We've been sitting here for three chapters wondering what they hey happened between them... It's best to reveal these things as soon as possible. Otherwise you lose us.

Owen Bytheway, why does Arion care so much about this guy? From the dream/flashback it seems like he tried to rape her. Does she not believe it? Is she in shock? THOUGHT BUBBLES!!!!!!!!!!

Another thing about this part.... Don't fill it with meaningless things i.e., the movie, the moving of the furnature, the talking about the model in Couture, etc. If it's not relevant in any way, it just hinders the progress of your story.

...
Sorry that this was a bit of a scatterbrained response. -.-" If you have any questions, please PM me :D:D:D

Just a couple of things.

-I call my friends hyper too, but it's sort of slangish. Try to avoid it out of dialogue.

-Nodding her head the way
Sasha did sometimes. I just thought this was odd. If she was Roz's mum, wouldn't it be in the way Roz does?

-Your flashback was well written, but to me it seems a little weird, a little too deep for a guy asking a girl out for the first time.

Other than that though, good job!