Deleted
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Okay.... Are there two people writing the response? This is getting very confusing...
:D:D:D
YW BTW.
<
I'll let Arion take this one...
Okay, so, at first (other)Arion felt the same way you did. Why was I just sitting back and watching. And the emotions (or lack there-of) in this scene just seem wrong compared to the first chapter. (and in case you were wondering, yes, I have a very strong part in the writing of this novel)
Anyways, after some thinking, and talking it through (not out loud though, because that would have us labeled clinically insane), we realized that this is indeed who I am. I have a great group of friends (as you'll see later. The book is actually writing up to chapter ten (48 pages) at the current moment), and I'm always wondering why exactly they hang out with me. I'm the quietest, the shyest, by far not the prettiest. What am I to these girls? Later it's said that despite the fact that I seem to play such a small role in the group, I'm the peacemaker. At this point in the novel, I'm still upset over mine and John's break-up, but later, when I get over it and am with my friends again (though this isn't until the end of the book) it gets more into who I am as a part in the group. I'm not mad at my friends because of the things they say. If I go to them for advice, then, well, I'm going to get that advice. They're a very outspoken group. As I said, I wonder why they allow me to hang out with them.
Thank you though, very much for this opportunity to work this out. I'll hand you back to Arion now.
Yes, thank you. Truth is, I was thinking the same thing you were, and now because of your comments, me and Arion know how to go back and fix it. I knew her taking over was good for something. lol. But yes, I really see what you are all saying, and I'll do my best to fix it.
Anyways, the reason I can't put a flashback in this particular scene is because there are four other flashbacks in the following chapters. Putting another here would be like flash-raping the reader, and God knows, we don't want that.
___________________________________________________
Chapter three: Posted
I'll be critiquing as i read...
This is confusing. You say that she wanted to, and then you say she didn't want to. Which is it?
I do believe you meant Once. If not, then i'm not sure what you were trying to say...
Other than that and a few grammatical errors i spotted, this was good. Not as good as the first chapter, but still good. I didn't really feel for Arion this time because i couldn't relate to her. I didn't really feel like i was her like i did in the last chapter. But, to continue...
Characters: You did good introducing all of Arion's friends, but like SeraphTree said, you tell more about them than Arion. I find it slightly annoying, to tell the truth. What was Arion doing the whole time? Just sitting there, looking miserable? Or was she changing her facial expressions?
And, also like SeraphTree said, i would be fuming if my friends treated me this way. They're practically making fun of her when she's having a meltdown. I'd have at least one of them listen to her and side with her and not push the 'girls night out' like the others are doing.
Plot Development: I didn't really see much of the plot progressing in this chapter besides introducing Arion's friends and the beginning to the 'girls night out'. I'd add more conflict in here, like maybe two of the girls getting in a small fight over whether or not to go on the girls night out, or have Arion resist their urgings so go out into the town with them. I'll let you deiced what you want to do with this.
Relate: In the first chapter, you made us (the reader(s)) feel like we were Arion. In this chapter, i personally felt like some person standing by. Make it so that we, the readers, can relate to Arion in some way. Make her feel angry about her friends treating her this way, because most people would be angry. Try to make it so that we feel like we're an actual character, not someone standing by, watching.
Other than that, this was a fairly decent piece and i will await the next chapter eagerly. (Just don't forget about the posing rules!
-Mays
It's a very natural scene, which is why I liked reading it. In contrast to Seraph Tree, I love it when your friends try to get your ind off things. I think from where it begins they've already listened (although I'm not questioning your judgement, that's just my own opinion)... but I really love scenes like this where you take a chunk of your MC's life and write it down for us. Your dialogue runs very well...
Is red rover the game where you have to break the chain? I remember that one...
Well, what I first noticed was that there seems to be a lot of focus on Arion's friends and what they're doing. We don't really get anything from her. I suggest you add a flash back/ conflicting emotions in this sequence. For example, it sounds like she wants to keep John, even though he's being a retard. Does it feel real at all?
:D:D:D:D
Personally, I would be very VERY angry if my friends treated me this way/didn't listen to me. It's always helpful to have someone who listens, especially in times like this.
Overall, we DO need more from Arion. Get into her head more. Really delve into her emotions. What does she feel when her friends say these things?
PM me if you need anything.