Young Writers Society

This review looks at grammatical and structural elements of your story. However, I'd just like to offer the suggestion of maybe introducing the "siren" part of the story earlier, such as at the beginning. If you did try to do that, it wasn't very apparent other than from the post's brief description. Try to use foreshadowing a bit more, and I think you'll find you can build a lot of curiosity and suspense with your audience.

Anyway, here's the bulk of my review.

The first thing I noticed was a slight lack of consistency in your tense.

For example:

"In fact just about this time he was cackling at the mild chill in his head and imagining the wind as tentacles of some Monolithic Kraken which he was lopping off with professional precision."

Where you use "-ing" verbs, it somewhat implies the present-tense. I would try using "-ed" verbs, such as "he cackled at the mild chill in his head and imagined the wind as tentacles... which he would then lop off with professional precision." For the most part, you did a great job with consistency, though.

Also, try to pay attention to "passive" speech.

For example:

"How he managed to not sweat off his makeup, Rodger didn't know."

Passive speech tends to work better in poetry, but in narratives, it tends to be difficult to use and ends up sounding a bit awkward. "Rodger didn't know how he managed to not sweat off his makeup." would sound better. Like before, I think you did an overall good job at using active speech, but there were a few places where passive speech was apparent.

Your word choice was excellent, such as during dialogue. I liked when you wrote, "Lets see if you can attract any women, mister sparkles," Rodger hurled back." "Hurled" was a great choice.

Also, for an easy fix for making the overall story a bit easier to read, make sure to break up long paragraphs, and try to start dialogue on a new line.

"He stuck out his tongue to Rodge at this: he had a much leaner body than his brother.

'Let's see if you can attract any women, mister sparkles,' Rodger hurled back. At that, he began walking off, a tightly-cocked smile on his face."

It just makes it a bit easier for the eyes to follow. Also, your last paragraph is really huge, so this would come in handy there.

Overall, I really like the setting of the story, and you use some really powerful and unique words to describe everything from actions to scenery to appearance. Keep writing!

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this story about a circus performer who is sent on an errand and winds up getting his heart literally separated from his body by a femme fatal. There is a lot of drama in the story by having it occur late at night. Also the mention of a brooding atmosphere and a silky mysterious voice are a nice touch. Not quite sure why his brother was introduced unless this is part of a longer story. I would have liked to have known the country or the time period. I was imagining this as occurring in the far past when portable phones and flashlights weren’t available.

Suggestions

Please try to replace the word "like" with "as" or "as if".

Try to simplify the sentences by not making them so long.

....to be bothered by it [....didn't seem bothered by it]

In fact[,]

[....wind as tentacles of some Monolithic Kraken which he was lopping off....]

[....wind as tentacles he was lopping off some Monolithic Kraken....]

The original sounds as if it’s the Kraken that’s being lopped off.

....painted him with silvery ease[.]

....where he had formerly been wiggling along perfectly without a wiggle amiss on the high-wire act.

[That part makes it sound as if he had been on a high wire in his trailer.]

& slumberific lethargy. = [bombast]

very comprehensible [very familiar]

a shifty looking alley = [too vague]

He turned back to the clerk -- only to find that he had vanished.
[The clerk was never introduced.]

....on edge and ill at ease. [redundant]

It's almost like the wind beckoned him to enter

[It was almost as if the wind had....]

The singing started again, but this time it was louder.
[No singing had been mentioned before.]

There was no way Rodger wasn't going to explore

[ He was described as feeling on edge and ill at ease just prior to this.]

She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

[Please describe her.]

Oh my! Okay so I fell in love with this right after the first sentence and was hooked right to the end. I do truly love where you were going with this story but i do feel like you could have drawn it out a bit. You have a lot of information in this piece that I feel needed just a bit of tweaking, such as you don't have to use so much creative language, it will scare away readers when they have to look up what words mean, sometimes its better to go simple in some descriptive situations. "...a tightly-cocked smile on his face." With this it really made me have to reread this before it made sense to me, and i ended up reading it more like a "tight lipped cocky smile." But other than just those few things i still loved this story and do hope there will be more to it or even more like it.

Happy writing and good luck

~Danceingtreelf