z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

EndoB(i)A / C2

by Arete


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

(This symbol # represents a location/time transition.)

Page 5: It Pours.

Percy exits the mall from the left wing, outside things is breezy and water is drizzling down. He pulls the bags up over his shoulder, and makes his way down the sidewalk connected with the side of the building. Things are quiet, no people are around this side of the building but him. “Still didn’t grab my coat.” he scoffs to himself. A man wearing all black steps out of an alleyway behind Percy, he pulls something reflective out of his coat, then puts it to Percy’s back.

“Don’t be stupid. Walk backwards, slowly.” he demands. Percy steps backwards, and gets led by the man into the dark alleyway. # Percy is standing opposite of the man, he’s holding a revolver low pointed right at him, and they’re facing one another, “Check him.” the man says, as he gestures with his head at Percy. A more pudgy man, standing deeper within the alley, approaches Percy. “Look like dis boi been shoppin.” he slaps Percy’s bag to the ground by his feet. “If you gone rob me, just fucking rob me.” Percy says, still eyeing him. The man opposite quickly looks at the pudgy man, then back at Percy, “Grab his bag.” The pudgy man ducks to the ground. “Tell me what’s in there.” the man in black said with a smirk. Percy’s eyebrows furrowed. “Let’s see. He’s got some, some—” the pudgy man showcases some shoes, “heh, this faggot’s got some pink Jordans!” he laughs. The other man laughs along with him, not taking his eyes off Percy. ‘It’s one thing to be robbed. BUT IT’S ANOTHER TO BE MADE A BITCH!’ Percy thinks; he launches his knee into the pudgy man's stomach. His pudgy body recoils like a soccer ball, knocking him straight back into the wall behind him. Percy springs at the man in black, but he fires his revolver several times.

# “Someone’s out there shooting.” Dijonay says. “Could be lighting.” one girl says. “No, those gun shots.” another one adds. #

Percy clocks him in the jaw, sending his body into a three sixty motion, when he comes back around, he fires at Percy several more times. Percy slaps his revolver, and it goes soaring from the alleyway right into the parking lot. “WHAT THE FUCK!” The man in black yells. Percy throws a punch, he dodges it, then runs out of the alleyway, almost slipping on the soaked sidewalk as he blots off. The pudgy man is picking himself up, Percy looks over at him. “A… A… A MAN I’M SORRY!” Percy pants as he holds the side of his stomach. The pudgy guy carefully runs around him, and out of the alleyway. He looks at his bags on the ground, then walks over to them, and swoops it off the ground. He looks inside the bag. “Okay.” he’s panting heavily “My shoes, are fine.” he collapses onto the ground. He’s looking up at the cloudy sky, as it rains down on him, ‘So this is what Tupac felt... This is what it’s like. I…’ His eyes close. ‘Understand.’

#

Page 6: If it were your Crush?

People gather around the alleyway, “Someone call nine one one.” a woman in the crowd says, “Lines are down.” a man in the crowd replies, “Anyone here a doctor?” another asks. “Dat boys a goner.” a high pitched voice says within the crowd. Dijonay and her group are just approaching from behind where the crowd is standing, “Wonder who got shot.” Chelsy, a girl within Dijonay’s group says. “Prolly some gangbanger.” Lisa says. They move through the crowd, pushing toward the front. They catch a glimpse at what the rest of the crowd saw, “OH MY GOD!” Dijonay yells, she then runs over to Percy laying in the alley, with two mall security guards are standing over him. “Woah there.” The male guard on the left says, sticking his hand out at Dijonay, “Can’t let you through.” “But—” “Nope. Unless your his mom or sister, can’t let you pass.” Dijonay slaps the man's hand. “I’M HIS SISTER!” “Oh.” they then step to the side, and she runs over to Percy. She gets on her knees next to him, then feels his pulse. “H…he’s still alive.” she turns to the guards, WHERE ARE THE AMBULANCE?!” she yells. “Lines are down, we can’t get in touch.” the guard on the right says. Chelsy and Lisa run over, “Is that?” Chelsy says. “Percy, yes! Help me pick him up.” “Huh?!” Lisa emits. “The ambulance aren’t on their way, we need to get him to a hospital!” Chelsy and Lisa look at one another, then at the guards, then at Dijonay.

#

Lisa, Chelsy, and two other girls are all carrying Percy, and following Dijonay. She takes a pair of keys out of her purse, then taps a button with her thumb. A silver minivan a few feet ahead beeps. Dijonay opens the trunk, and the girls hoist him inside. # The silver minivan is speeding down the highway, “How far is the nearest hospital?” Dijonay says. Victoria, a girl in the passenger seat, is looking over a large map she’s holding out in front of her. “It’s in Brimington Square.” “That should be just on the next exit.” Dijonay looks up at the exit road signs, “It’s a mile ahead. Keep Percy awake!” Chelsy, in the trunk with Percy, shakes him a bit, and his open back up, “C’mon, don’t fall asleep, you can make it.” she says. Percy mumbles something incoherent. Victoria looks at to the exit coming up on the right, “Dijonay its blocked off!” she says. “FUCK!” Dijonay yells. “There isn’t another Hospital for miles!” Lisa says. “My god, D, take the exit after this one for my house. We can stop his bleeding until the ambulance come there.” Kimberly, sitting behind Dijonay, says. The rain begins pouring down harder than before, and the lighting show up above gets more electric.

#

Kimberly pushes the front door open, and the rest of the girls carry Percy inside. “Lay him on the coffee table.” Kimberly says. The girls lay him on the table. “D, the phones in the kitchen.” Kimberly points at the kitchens direction, and Dijonay bolts there, “Victoria, you get some alcohol and as many towels as you can find.” Victoria nods, then runs up the stairs. “Chelsy, Lisa. Get his shirt off.” #

Page 7: Scars.

Victoria walks into the kitchen, “Any luck?” she says. “None.” Dijonay, standing by the wall mounted phone, sighs in frustration. “I know this is stressful, but... Know he’s in the best hands he can be in right now.” Victoria puts her hand on Dijonay's shoulder. “Hell, Kimberly already has her pre-med— There’s no doubt she’s got this.” she says. “I know but.” “No, stay positive. Even if not for yourself…” Victoria adds on, then mustering up a smile. Dijonay smiles back, and hugs Victoria. # All the girls, besides Kimberly, are in the kitchen, each standing and or sitting on a stool at the island counter. Lisa, sitting, is watching the hands of the clock above the oven. Chelsy, standing, pulls her hair up and ties it with a scrunchy, “Wish there were more I could do…” she says. “You’ve... no, we all tried our best. All there is to do now is pray.” Victoria, sitting, says. “I’m just wonderin who it is that shot him.” Lisa says. “Low-life gangbangers. They did the same thing to my brother, Kel.” Dijonay says with a quiver in her voice, “Paranoid maniacs, shooting people just cause they think they someone else.” she adds. #

Kimberly walks into the kitchen doorway, eyebrow raised, and clothes covered with blood, “Um.” she utters. Dijonay begins to cry. “It isn’t fair.” Lisa says. Victoria rubs Dijonay’s back, shaking her head with tears building in her eyes. Chelsy covers her face with her hands. “Um, Percy, is okay.” Kimberly says. All the girls look to her in shock. # One by one they enter the living room, and gather around the coffee table. “Four bullets hit him. Not one did more than pierce his skin.” Kimberly says. “That’s what bullets do.” Chelsy says. “No, usually bullets tear through the skin like nothing. But all these did was give Percy some deep cuts… and that’s about it.” Kimberly says. “What?” Lisa says. “How even…” Victoria says. “I’m perplexed myself.” she folds her arms, and closes her eyes, “Though, the proof is in the wounds.” she says, then opening back up, and shrugging. “Is he gonna be okay?” Dijonay asks. “He’s going to be more than okay. Especially when he wakes up.” Kimberly says. “Do you think… Er… Well, that he... that he might be like, some kind of werewolf?” Lisa asks. “No, werewolves are fake.” Kimberly says. Lisa sighs in relief. “But, he definitely isn’t a normal.” Kimberly says. “Maybe it was just luck?” Chelsy says. “Luck? Possible. But, as far as I know, luck in these cases usually means a vital organ being missed. Here it’s like he was wearing a bulletproof vest!” Kimberly says.

“What if.” Dijonay says, “What if it wasn’t luck. What if… It were a power.” she adds. “Like a super power?” Lisa asks. “Yeah.” Dijonay says. “No, no way, that would be… Preposterous.” Kimberly says. “Everything about this is, ‘preposterous.’ I’ve never heard of anything like this in my life. And half of my entire family has been shot, least once.” Victoria says. Kimberly rubs her chin, as they all stand around Percy, slumbering on the coffee table. #

Page 8: Whole ‘Nother Level.

Everything is dark and freezing cold. “Where am I? W… Who am I?” says a familiar voice. A flame sparks into existence, “What’s that?” they reach their hand out to the fire, and grab it. They open their palm, and inside is a small ball of fire. “Percy? I AM PERCY!” # Percy springs up in a sweat. “What the?” he says, looking around the room. Percy stands up, there’s a light glowing from inside the doorway a few feet ahead, he slowly creeps toward it. He looks into the doorway, and sees all five of the girls, “Dijonay?” he walks through the doorway, into the kitchen. “You’re awake!” Dijonay says, then running to him. “I was asleep? And where the heck are we?” he says. “Long story. You might want to take a seat.” Lisa says, sitting at the island counter. #“Powers? Me? Nah, no.” Percy says. “Unless you have a better reasoning?” Kimberly says. Percy’s eyes widen, “I mean… I never felt like I had powers.” “Maybe because you never had a reason to use them.” Victoria says. “Hm. That does make sense...” Percy replies. “I wonder if you have any other powers.” Chelsy says. “Wouldn’t be too far fetched to assume.” Kimberly says. “Well, even if I did, how would I even find out?” Percy says. Lisa jumps out of her chair, “TESTS!”

#

They’re all outside of the house, standing in the street. Chelsy is holding a book in front of her, “Okay, according the book of world records, the fastest run time is nine point eighty-four seconds.” Chelsy says. “I’ve got my stop watch.” Kimberly says. “Alright, so I’m just running to that tree?” Percy asks. “Yes. It’s exactly 100 meters. Now, ready up.” Kimberly says, setting up her stopwatch. Percy puts one knee down, puts his hands on the ground, and looks forward. “On my mark.” He furrows his brows, staring directly ahead. “Get set.” Kimberly thumb rests right on the stopwatches clicker. “GO!” Percy takes off, running down the road toward a tree at the end of the street. He reaches the tree, then taps it, “MADE IT!” he yells out, waving. Kimberly stops the timer. Chelsy looks at the stopwatch, her eyes widen. “What was the time?” Dijonay asks. “Un… unreal.” Percy starts walking back to the girls. “I told you guys, I don’t have powers. Least not anymore.” Percy says, coming closer to them. They all are staring at the stopwatch in Kimberly's hand. “What? What is it?” Percy asks. “Its six o’.” Victoria says. Percy grins, “Your fucking with me.” They all look at him with blank expressions. “Holy shit.”

#

“HOW HAVEN’T I NOTICED THIS BEFORE!” Percy yells out, from within the house. “Well it’s not like your in any sports.” Dijonay says. “Still though! If I’m like Superman, or some shit, why haven’t I ever noticed.” Percy says. “Percy, why you didn’t know then doesn’t matter. What matters is that you do now.” Kimberly says. Percy sighs, “I guess…” “Speaking of Superman. Should we like, er, keep this secret?” Lisa asks. “Why?” Percy says. “I don’t know, I just don’t think other people are gone be so okay with you being like, superboy.” “Don’t call me that.” Percy says. “Good point Lisa.” Kimberly says, “I think it’d actually be reasonable to not tell.” she adds.

(Keep in mind this story, hell even this part of the story, isn't fully complete yet. So grammar errors and some story elements may/will be changed overtime.)


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64 Reviews


Points: 135
Reviews: 64

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Sun Jan 26, 2020 9:55 am
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QuoolQuo wrote a review...



A hoy hoy,

I’m not going to be covering anything here to do with grammar because that is a mystic art that I have no hope of understanding. All I’m going to say is that it’s a bit patchy in places which any read over or dump in grammarly would fix. Also, I haven’t read the first chapter so I won’t touch on backstory, characterisation or any exposition stuff which is usually established in the first chapter. Anyway, here are some general comments;

First off, the way you write and fairly easy to understand, and I rarely felt lost. Greater emphasis could have been given to the information that Percy was injured because it wasn’t very clear. Just a brief description of a bit of blood would be fine with me. Description can also go a long way when establishing a location but whether these locations have already been explored in the previous chapter, I don’t know so I’m just going with what I’ve read which is that greater description was needed for the setting. (This might just be me though because I worship description like a religion)

Second, the pacing in this was good, until page 8. You introduced the mystery of his wounds and then they immediately jump to your classic superhero power tests. The jump to the assumption that he had powers was to hasty and the idea of holding some tests came to quickly. And a running race? I feel a greater connection should be shown between the power that was apparently displayed and what power they are testing. (Unless of course he ran around a bit in the first chapter and they noticed something weird was going on). If you were going to introduce another power, you should have created a second inciting incident. This would have made it a more natural discovery.

My third comment is just the little note that when you write dialogue, remember to start a new paragraph. For example;

“Do you like cake?” asked Sam.
“Oh my god, I love cake!” Sally answered.


Apart from this, your writing flows well and looks promising.
Keep going!

- H.G




Arete says...


Thank you for the review, and the kind words. It helps more than you know!



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85 Reviews


Points: 14
Reviews: 85

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Sun Jan 26, 2020 2:59 am
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Anamel wrote a review...



"Percy exits the mall from the left wing, outside things is breezy and water is drizzling down."

The first sentence seems kind of choppy, I think mainly because they're two different things. I think if you re-adjust the wording that doesn't involve needing a comma it would sound better. Also instead of *is breezy put are breezy. Example: Percy exits the mall from the left wing just as the rain begins to drizzle and the wind stirs. (I think you mean rain instead of water?)

"Things are quiet, no people are around this side of the building but him."

This is a good way to foreshadow, usually a reader would get suspicious when they read the main character is alone and it's quiet. Also I suggest just putting an and instead of a comma. Example: Everything is quiet and no one is around this side of the building but him.

"“Still didn’t grab my coat.” he scoffs to himself."

Put a comma instead of a period after coat.

"A man wearing all black steps out of an alleyway behind Percy, he pulls something reflective out of his coat, then puts it to Percy’s back."

Since it's in Percy's perspective shouldn't he not be able to see the man? I suggest building up suspense to this scene to make it more scary. Try to make your reader feel frightened too. Add more detail. What does the item feel like against Percy's back--is it cold, hard, does it press into his bones? Does he hear footsteps behind him?

"“Don’t be stupid. Walk backwards, slowly.” he demands. "

The reader already is aware he is demanding, so I suggest just taking that out and instead focusing on the man's voice. Is his voice harsh and cold or is it agressive and fiery? Does he sound like a professional or a government man? Give us insight into what Percy is thinking at the time too. Is his heart beating fast?

"# Percy is standing opposite of the man, he’s holding a revolver low pointed right at him, and they’re facing one another, "

Having a time skip in a scene of action sounds kinda off. I think you could just add one extra sentence in there without the time skip and it would be fine. Like show him stumbling as the man presses the revolver further into his back and then the mysterious man grabbing him by the shoulder and pulling him around.

" “Look like dis boi been shoppin.” he slaps Percy’s bag to the ground by his feet. “If you gone rob me, just fucking rob me.” Percy says, still eyeing him."

I love this dialogue, I really appreciate how you made the character have his own style of speaking. It's entertaining.

"It’s one thing to be robbed. BUT IT’S ANOTHER TO BE MADE A BITCH!’ Percy thinks; he launches his knee into the pudgy man's stomach."

I thought it was interesting how you put his thoughts in bold and all caps since most usually just use italics. I think it does add to the story rather than takes from it, but I suggest not using caps too and just the bold. The semicolon doesn't have to be there either, just replace it with 'as'.

"# “Someone’s out there shooting.” Dijonay says. “Could be lighting.” one girl says. “No, those gun shots.” another one adds. #"

This part is what confuses me. Who is Dijonay? It's hard to tell what perspective you're using in this story because it keeps jumping around. Why do we need to know what this Dijonay person is saying, and how does the reader already know their name? I think it would be less confusing if Percy hears it from faraway, like: "Someone's out there shooting," comes a faraway girl's voice. "Could be lightning," says another girl's light voice. "No, those gun shots," a third girl says with a cackle.

"The pudgy man is picking himself up, Percy looks over at him."

The thing with connecting two different ideas with one comma is it usually sounds weird. Especially if you read it aloud. It just doesn't fit. I suggest just flipping it around like: Percy looks over at him as the pudgy man is picking himself up.

"e’s looking up at the cloudy sky, as it rains down on him, ‘So this is what Tupac felt... This is what it’s like. I…’ His eyes close. ‘Understand.’"

I wonder if this is him joking or he's actually being serious cause it's not like he got shot unless I'm missing something. Also what caused him to pass out?


For the first paragraph of page six, having the reader know Dijonay's name but still unaware of why she's important usually is a weird way to introduce a character. I think you should just flip it around, like explain what she looks like a bit and then have a cop hold her back because she looks young and then that's when she says "I'm his sister!" so we know who she is. Then later on when he wakes up you could have him use her name. Also with all of that dialogue going on and all the people commenting on what's going on, splitting up and having line breaks each time someone comments something new would be helpful.

Having it all in blocky paragraphs makes it harder for people to follow along with the story.

To be honest paragraph 2 makes no sense. Why isn't the ambulance coming? How the hell were they allowed to suddenly cart off an unconscious body? How did that one girl get a map?

"The rain begins pouring down harder than before, and the lighting show up above gets more electric."

*lightning instead of lighting.

“Do you think… Er… Well, that he... that he might be like, some kind of werewolf?” Lisa asks. “No, werewolves are fake.” Kimberly says. Lisa sighs in relief.

I think it's funny she sighed in relief as if she actually thinks werewolves are real lol

Also how did they get into a kitchen? Aren't they supposed to be in a hospital or something?

It seems like everything went really fast. We know at the point they randomly bring up superpowers that he's gonna have them. It just seems too predictable. Having a slow progression of him realizing he has them would probably be more intriguing.




Arete says...


Thanks for the review, and overall help. It%u2019s appreciated!




akdsjfh you know that feeling where you start writing a scene but then you get bored with the scene so you move on and start writing a different scene and then you get bored with that scene so you move on to an entirely different WIP and then you get bored with that so you move on-
— AceassinOfTheMoon