Published August 21, 2011
A kiss on the cheek
A faithful reawakening
All the happy faces
To get me out of sight
Red eyes to glare
And a soul mate to kill
A silent rendition
Of the art of murder
She lied to me too
Just like she lied to you
Repetitive smiles that keep me
In utero for too long
The sound of a pig being mutilated
When I walk into the bedroom
No more kisses
And no more thanks
Another day like this
And then you're finished
I'll drown you in
Your own bath of blood
And I'll smile for a short while
Before I sucker up to my God
I will end this slaughter
Kiss my sanity goodbye
I will end this slaughter
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137,992 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
On the basis that there is a potential Nirvana reference here: 'In utero...' I promise not to fault this piece.
Now... onto the artistry. I am impressed that you have referred to blood yet again, seems o be a recurring motif of yours. Love and blood seem to go together in your book.
'I'll drown you in
Your own bath of blood
And I'll smile for a short while
Before I sucker up to my God'
I'm guessing that your narrator is a little bit pissed off. And he has some sort of sick, twisted part to his nature. I like that... it's very evocative. Kind of sexy to think of someone so hurt that they go to such extreme lengths,
Not sure if this is what you were trying to convey... but it screams: 'You've hurt me and now you're going to pay!' Love it.
~Bloodink
567ajt,
loved that line, and , just sent chills. Loved the use of the verb, 'mutilated'. Wonderful. You have a great grasp for rhythm and a strength for descriptive verbs: sucker, drown, kiss -- I love it.Not bad. The images here are fantastic, in a dark sort of way. Specifically loved the first stanza,
But why no punctuations? It is evident that it was your choice not to use them, but I don't see any clear artistic motive as to the lack of them - unless you're trying to go for a series of clouded thoughts. I believe use of punctuations can really help to elevate this poem though. This is the sort of piece where the right usage of a dash or comma can strengthen it - add to the mood, atmosphere, however it may serve you. As it stands now, without giving the readers a guide, it just sounds like a bunch of fragments one after another without anything connecting the thoughts. It makes it difficult to extract any meaning.
What the poem lacks I think, is fluidity. This is probably because of the lack of punctuation, or perhaps just the way you've written the poem. The only parts I think that flow are when you use those transitional words such as "just", "and" - but when you don't have them - it sounds rather choppy. Again, experiment with punctuation and rearranging some sentences. I'll give you an example of what I mean. You start off:
These are just two separate fragments, two different images - and what exactly is the relationship between them? Also, you see how it is choppy right from the start? Plus, you use the same sentence structures for both of these lines, which contributes to choppiness.
Is 'to get' the right word choice here? You're saying that happy faces get you out of sight - I see how that contributes to xenophobia, but somehow I feel there is a more poetic way of expressing this. I am only being rather picky, dissecting each couple of lines to see if there is a way you can strengthen it. Ultimately, it is all up to you and what you want to achieve.
Again, the use of 'to' here is not my favorite. In fact, I find myself questioning who is glaring - the speaker's eyes, or the stranger's "happy faces" from before? I ask this because that same "person" is the one killing the soul mate. So what are you trying to say, that the speaker is killing his soulmate?
Why not say "Red eyes glare"? It adds a sense of immediacy to the poem that can build a frightful, suspenseful mood. We're talking about a phobia, yes?
The next two lines are lovely. Clear, precise, and to the point.
This sounds pretty, but it throws me off for a loop. All of a sudden there's a "she" there's a "me" and there's a "you" - that's three subjects that get no mention in the first stanza. Who's the one with xenophobia? Who's the one plotting the killing?
Here's why punctuations are your friend.
A reader can potentially read it this way: ...The sound of a pig being mutilated when I walk into the bedroom...
Or a reader can read it this way: When I walk into the bedroom, no more kisses and no more thanks.
As for the use of "In utero", it does not make much sense in this context. I understand that it is a latin term, but it just seems extremely out of place. The fact that three reviewers have pointed out the word means that it is jarring and perhaps not quite the word you're looking for. No complaints on the last two stanzas. It actually makes sense and reads quite well. Please work on this though. I think the key things to remember are: clarity and grammar. You're lucky as the two go hand in hand.
Happy writings,
~ As always Audy
Oh man... I was curious as to what utero meant too so I looked on dictionary.com. O.O DONT DO IT! I was horrified! I'm just going to agree with Destiny110 in guessing that it's a good thing cuz it sure isn't the dictionary definition! Anyway, I really liked this poem, like REALLY liked it.
That right there was my favorite part, i mean it was awesome! You worded that perfectly! Not that the rest wasn't good as well, but I just especially liked that part. I kinda took that as the speaker mutilated the lover, because mutilating a pig must sound a lot like mutilating a human, especially if they're both dead, right? That sounded bad... My comment, not your poem! Anyway, like I said, I liked this. But in the part when you mentioned utero maybe you should replace it with a more common term? I don't think anybody understands it....
Hey 567! The poem is really really good! It sounds kind of like a song! Just one question though
What's utero? Is it like some place you go when you're happy? I mean generally speaking, I have no idea what utero is...it sounds like some sort of Fantasy world, which makes the poem sound like killing makes you happy...I have no idea what I'm saying XD Well, the poem is good! Keep writing!
~~Destiny110