Published January 31, 2012
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140,806 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
I didn't think your work had a very good flow, the words just kind of seemed forced together. It's vocabulary is moderately advanced and not at all lacking. The meaning was sketchy, maybe missing slightly due to the absence of context?
The first stanza: Your first line is strong because it makes me interested and pulls me in, making me want to read the rest, which is very good and is exactly what it should do. The second line confuses me, which was actually good because by reading the rest of your work, I think i understand that 'first batch' means the first group of people that were killed. Which, makes the beginning of this line 'no need to feel guilt' add to the mood. I like the poetically eery feeling your third line creates. I think grammatically your fourth and fifth line should be one complete sentence, that should help the flow as well.
The second stanza: Even though grammatically this should be one complete sentence, I think the pause is dramatic and helps enhance the language of your poem.
The third stanza: I absolutely love this stanza, it's well written and the language is simply original. Although, you may consider changing where your lines stop and begin, because the reader instinctively pauses at these spots.
The fourth stanza: Good repetition.
The fifth stanza: I wouldn't start your third line with 'And' you're better off just combining sentences, however, I love this line, you're such a great writer. This is another stanza that I just have to simply throw my arms in the air and say "bravo!" to, even when I'm attempting to give some constructive criticism.
The fifth stanza: Good transition from the normal repetition and a simple, yet bold ending line.
-Bettinger
I didn't think your work had a very good flow, the words just kind of seemed forced together. It's vocabulary is moderately advanced and not at all lacking. The meaning was sketchy, maybe missing slightly due to the absence of context?
The first stanza: Your first line is strong because it makes me interested and pulls me in, making me want to read the rest, which is very good and is exactly what it should do. The second line confuses me, which was actually good because by reading the rest of your work, I think i understand that 'first batch' means the first group of people that were killed. Which, makes the beginning of this line 'no need to feel guilt' add to the mood. I like the poetically eery feeling your third line creates. I think grammatically your fourth and fifth line should be one complete sentence, that should help the flow as well.
The second stanza: Even though grammatically this should be one complete sentence, I think the pause is dramatic and helps enhance the language of your poem.
The third stanza: I absolutely love this stanza, it's well written and the language is simply original. Although, you may consider changing where your lines stop and begin, because the reader instinctively pauses at these spots.
The fourth stanza: Good repetition.
The fifth stanza: I wouldn't start your third line with 'And' you're better off just combining sentences, however, I love this line, you're such a great writer. This is another stanza that I just have to simply throw my arms in the air and say "bravo!" to, even when I'm attempting to give some constructive criticism.
The fifth stanza: Good transition from the normal repetition and a simple, yet bold ending line.
-Bettinger