Published January 5, 2012
I don't know where you stand,
but it must be known
that I have a problem.
I think it must be shown.
But will you desert me,
let me go astray?
You said it'll be secret;
you told anyway.
Yet that's not what is bad.
No- I cannot begin,
nor shall I continue
to tell you these things.
All my plans are ruined-
faith is all I got.
Telling you who I was
was a stupid idea, was it not?
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Hello!
All righty! So, over here it looks like your main focus is on the betrayal. You told this person that you wanted something to be kept confidential--something that you hoped this person wouldn't tell--and guess what? This person told. To make things even worse, this secret was in place to hide something which made you a monster. And then you go on to say that this was a stupid idea.
However, by ending it in such a way, it kind of gives this poem a bitter feeling... as if this person actually won by betraying you. And... er... here's the thing about writers: we always get our revenge. So, I don't quite think you understand how powerful you can actually make this. You can turn the tables on this person completely. Because, yeah, you told this person something that made you look like a monster. But, understand that every single person has something which makes them a monster. So, okay. Your sin, or whatever you want to call it, has been revealed. But this person's secret hasn't been revealed. There is still a roaring monster inside this person.
Um... the last thing I want to do is get all Christian-preachy on you, because I know how upset it makes don't want to harass you, but one of the best examples of this kind of betrayal switcharoo is actually in the New Testament. So, let me tell you the story! Basically in this story, Jesus Christ (who is, of course, the hero of the story) basically gets confronted by a bunch of people who throw a woman in front of her, accuse her with adultery (which was a crime punishable by death, back in the day), and demand that he pronounce the death sentence. So, Jesus is like, "Um... well, if you want to kill her, then the best person among you who hasn't done anything wrong in their lives should throw the first stone." And the people who want to kill the woman look among each other, realize that every single one of them sucks, and leave the woman. So, they're the bad guys of the story. They suck. They are willing to kill this woman freely because of something that she has allegedly done, but they don't want to do the same thing for themselves, so they go away, very frustrated. They had hoped to kill the monster by killing the woman, but they realized that before they could kill the monster in the woman, they had to kill the monster inside themselves. And so they had to leave.
I mean... isn't that awesome? Isn't that such a neat reversal? And, I don't know what it's like in real life, but my goodness! You're in the literary world right now. Don't be afraid to do such reversals. I think a little self-righteousness is here... not in the whole, "I am a monster... DEAL WITH IT!" sort of way, but in the whole, "Okay, so you exposed me. Very well. Now, may the world expose you as well" sort of thing.
Does this make sense?
Basically, it seems like you're whining in this poem and wallowing in self-pity. But don't. When you are writing, you are the master of words. You are powerful. Let your power shine.
Happy editing!
I think this is a really good line
"Bad" Is a weak word - see if you can use something else.
I added a space between "No" and the hyphen.
Ok, so, this is a great last line and it wraps up your poem nicely but the word "stupid" is another weak word (like "bad".. See above for that edit). See if you can change that, and, obviously if you're going to change "stupid" you'll have to change the title too. But, I think it'd be a good idea since weak words are like little loose boards in a bridge. They squeak and don't fit right.
Hi Raspberry!
So, I really liked this poem, as I feel much emotion in it and your flow was great. The only thing you may want to work on is the two weak words I found in it ("bad" and "stupid") and imagery.
A lot of the time people forget imagery in their poetry and without it, your poem doesn't have as much power as it could. See if you can show the person's face (the one you're talking about in your poem) and tell us the emotions running across it.
So, nice job with this!
Keep writing,
Just
Hello 567ajt
Your poem is really nice, I loved it. Specially when you said;
All my plans are ruined-
faith is all I got.
Faith is what is needed in such setuations.
I was cought by this part. I couldn't really find a rhyme here, but could find a beat
I liked this part of your poem, but maybe it's better if you say:
"Telling you who I was
Was stupid, was it not?".
That's what I think, but it's up to you, of course.
It is a very good pice, keep up