I have been conditioned
Must find the culprit
There is nothing I can perceive
And to exist
Means to not be free
I have been conditioned
Must find the culprit
(The things we do for capital
May as well be throwing rocks)
There is nothing I can perceive
And to exist
Means to not be free
And to live and breathe
Means to serve the Tsar
(Many minutes spent on books
It never paid off one damn bit
Open my wallet and surrender my fees)
There is nothing I can perceive
And to exist
Means to not be free
There is nothing I can perceive
There is nothing I can perceive
There is nothing I can perceive
There is nothing I can perceive
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there! I'm here to save you from the Green Room!
The culprit of what? The person/government who conditioned you? something unrelated? Are you finding the culprit as a result of your conditioning? Make sure that these lines are cleared up. In a political song like this, you need to make sure you're stating everything clearly.I'm not an expert on song lyrics, so you'll have to bear with me.
This song is quite repetitive, which is okay, but you seem to be trying to say something. You should nix the large amounts of repetition and focus on what you're trying to say instead of focusing on the form.
Are you saying that working is useless? I'm not sure I understand this set of lines either, or the other parenthesised section.
Altogether, I would clean up the confusion within the piece, explain more, and nix some of the repetition. I hope that this proves useful to you. Keep writing!
Hey baby! XD
Here for a review as promised. So.
The title is very *you* and you know that.
Is it really that relevant to the work? *shrug* But it seems to work for you.
As I have said already, I love the formatting on this piece. And now for the content:
'I have been conditioned
Must find the culprit' - the use of 'c' words on the ends of both lines makes this look symmetrical and fitting.
'There is nothing I can perceive' - this line is very philosophical and I wonder where that came from????
'And to exist
Means to not be free' - I'm not sure exactly what this line means, because I would have said that you have to be alive/exist to be free, unless you mean death is freedom. Maybe I just don't agree with this line. *forces down the inner philosopher*
(The things we do for capital
May as well be throwing rocks) - the sections that you have added in parenthesis really work well in this piece because it adds a secondary voice; which is very thought provoking and appropriate for this kind of work.
'And to live and breathe
Means to serve the Tsar' - as per usual with your works there are heavy
(Many minutes spent on books
It never paid off one damn bit
Open my wallet and surrender my fees) - I think this is my favourite bit out of the whole piece because it is so relevant for people today. And it's honest too.
This is a great work and definitely needs more reviews.
You're a great writer, I hope you get more feedback soon hunny.
I love you <3