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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Adam! Here to review your lyrics as promised~
), and I particularly like the ending. It sounds like a good outro. Have you got a melody for this yet? If so I'd love to hear it 
My first impression of this is all honesty was that I didn't understand a clue about what was going on. Nevertheless, what I did like I guess was the originality. I've never seen anything like it really (that sounds bad, but it's a good thing I promise
My first critique is about the rhyming. In places in just seemed forced and really random. And because I had no clue as to what was going on, it seemed like these words were just placed there and I really don't get it. A lot of people are like 'don't be forced to rhyme', but in songs I think it's actually quite important. So I guess when you're rhyming next time just make sure that all your messages actually make sense.
Secondly, the flow and pacing. It didn't always flow right, for example here-
The second and fourth line on here seem to have too many syllables and don't really flow right.
Lastly, I'm not really seeing the structure here. Are you going for a Radiohead-y sort of thing with loads of different sections? If so that's pretty cool, but I still wanna see a bit that repeats, so there's SOMETHING for your fans to sing along to
Keep lyricing!
-Arc
Congratulations on your latest submission. It is a good time to reflect on all you have learned.
I must confess that I have fear for this particular poem because the word "Leviathon" should be spelled "Leviathan." Normally I don't make too big a deal about spelling and grammar, since most spelling and grammar checkers can fix it for you, but the title is the exception. A misspelled title is a major turn off to readers, which is why you should ensure that it is properly spelled.
This stanza has very confusing imagery. Who are "they," exactly? There doesn't appear to be any connection between any of these lines, except for the ambiguous "they." The words rhyme, but they seem to be without purpose, which makes the rhyming a moot point.
In the first line of this stanza, you use the word prop as a verb, but prop means that it is supposed to be supporting something. But you don't tell us what is being supported, which makes me wonder if you meant pop.
The second line seems weak, like you just stuck it in so that it would rhyme, in which case you're missing an opportunity to do something.
The third line is good.
The fourth line: "Pointless as a moth?" What does that even mean? If the previous line ended with "trace," would this sentence be "Pointless as your face?" Again, it feels like you are stringing lines together because they happen to rhyme, not because you're advancing any coherent imagery.
Fifth through seventh are equally confusing.
When I saw the first line, I thought I was in for something impressive. After all, the original Leviathan was a massive sea monster, which was banished to the bottom of the ocean where it guards the gates of hell.
Then I read the rest of it and I was disappointed. The Leviathan wasn't just a sea monster, it was THE sea monster. Big, bad, and so mighty that only God could banish it. You talk about it looking at people, chasing after people, and then eating a key?
Given the aforementioned history of Leviathan... no. Finally, what is with this polygamy thing? Has the entire poem been building up to this? I can't honestly tell.
After reading this poem, I know the feeling.
So, this poem was pretty terrible. It had no coherent message, no coherent imagery, and no coherent conflict. The only thing that made it recognizable as a poem was the rhyming, which seemed arbitrarily chosen. The only recognizable character, the Leviathan, did not live up to his namesake, and was just boring instead of terrifying.
This isn't to say that your idea is bad, only that it is incomprehensible. If you haven't done so already, write out exactly what you want to convey, what images you can use to convey it, the characters in your poem, and their relationships/conflict. If you're confused about any of those aspects, it's going to show up in the poem, so might as well sort it out before you write. I am a personal fan of writing that stuff up in blogs, so that I can get feedback from others, but if you prefer more privacy, you can keep a notebook.
Then, after you rewrite your poem, you can go back through and ask yourself if your poem accomplished everything you set out to do. It is a good way of keeping score and staying on message. And if you decide that the improvised stanza brings something special to the poem, you can always keep it. It's your poem after all.
Little preparations like this should help make your poem more understandable.
Well hello, Adam! =D
This poem is really powerful! I want to cry! XD Nah... well, first of all is a very good poem. Then again the reason that rhymes has always made it more dramatic and interesting for me. =)
"Please let me out of here
Let me out of here
Let me out of here
I can't stand being alone
United, we are stones"
OK, I like this stanza... I have this point of view; If we're together, is like we were not. Or; if we're together, we're stronger... I don't know.
Anyways, It's really good! Keep writing!
Kepp up the good work!
~Marde!