Preserve my arrows
Preserve the memory
I'm drowning too soon
I'm not fit to go on
I can't talk to you
I cannot touch you
Two months in limbo
When I come back
I apologise if I'm too weak
To even tell you I love you
But Mimi it's alright
I'm breathing like a dying plant
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
No end-stops. No punctuation. All caps at the beginning of lines. Same placid, stale rhythm. A lot of weak ends of lines. Almost no images. A big picture word. A pronoun I don't get. A final juxtaposition in the last line that plays with the title as well but comes far too late to revive this albatross from the cruel hand of a mad doctor ordering the mortician to lobotomize you at birth.
Please figure out where to place punctuation in here, then explain to me who "I" is and who "you" are so I'm not thinking this is the equivalent of a note being passed in class that the teacher finds on the floor and reads aloud, which confuses everyone except the sender and sendee and then with the final two lines the entire class gasps and "awwwws" before laughing out loud at how cliche it reads, all before that one really nerdy but eclectic kid with the funny fashion sense and greased up hair turns up his ipod with this song.
You need images, not just voice that has nothing to do with me as a reader. Images and sensory details are what I use to lull myself into your poem. They are your most powerful tools past the words you use. Put this in a diary or notebook that no one else reads and revisit it sometime when you can view it in a new light.
I thought what you wrote here was so effective and even though it was really short it was so effective and pulls the reader in. But what you do need to do is add punctuality, even though the reviewer above didn't think it was a problem I think it is. People do find the smallest things and poke holes in them, so you'd better but the commas and full stops in. This can stop you from getting readers.
Overall, I did enjoy it but maybe you should add a couple more stanzas or some more lines to make it longer as it is very short. Well done and you do seem to have a good writing hand.
Hello! I really love this poem. It has a dark quality to it and I love the voice.
Here are some suggestions:
I am fine that you didn't punctuate. I usually don't so it's all good. I really like the length of this poem. It didn't feel strained. I like the title!
Keep writing and good luck!