I must confess I have no interest at all in your job
I'm a voyeur you might get them quite a lot
But tell me "stop" and I will have to screw you
Oh tell me "stop" and I will have to screw you
I always think about a particular aspect of you
Yes I always think about a certain aspect
Is it your posture and your voice
Or is it your voice and your posture?
Don't ask why
And so poolside you arrive all night
And buries my so very innocent mind
I always think about a particular aspect of you
Yes I always think about a certain aspect
Dear Nicki
Come down
Dear Nicki
Come down
Is it your posture and your voice
Or is it your voice and your posture?
Don't ask why
While I understand you're busy
Why don't you come down with me?
Don't say your body's real
Because I have seen it exposed
Too many times to count
And so poolside you arrive all night
And buries my so very innocent mind
I always think about a particular aspect of you
Yes I always think about a certain aspect
Dear Nicki
Come down
Dear Nicki
Come down
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, AJ! I saw your piece here and thought I'd stop by!
I found this to be rather repetitive, but ignoring that and looking at what you actually have in words, I'd have to agree with the others (minus the first stanza). You do well in portraying something fairly vaguely with lots of implication. xD It's like you're testing the dirty-minded.
First line:
Second line: That gave away the entire song. XD
I'll admit, I wasn't expecting the sort of song I read when I saw the title. The second line of the song gave it all away, though. So that through the 100% vague down to about 50% (the other 50% being the sexual innuendo).
I really like the phrasing in the first two lines here, and I'm very excited to see you use it more than once. It's very well-written and put together! So awesome!
That third line is a bit useless and doesn't do much since we already know why the question's being asked. XD It's rather silly!
Annnd that makes the body fake? XD I'm so confused. This part lost me.
It's not your best song, but it's definitely not your worst. In fact, I'll call it one of your better ones. There were only a few spots that could benefit from a tweaking, but overall, I think you accomplished the task you were hoping when writing this. And it was certainly effective.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
EDIT: Also, perhaps a rating for the graphic imagery? 18+ if you're unsure which one to choose!
Dear sir,
Or would that be out of context?This obsession must stop.
Yours truly, Nicki.
No but for real, it's amazing how creative you can be with... this situation of yours. If the rating system still existed, wouldn't it be *clears throat* (WARNING: This might damage the minds of younger ones.) :
Oh and,
so your telling me that you had an innoocent mind before? I would have liked to have known you then xD
Anyway, like I said, I am amazed my your ability to describe your fantasies in a song, without really being all that explicit (and thank God).
Keep writing, Adam and good luck with this "Nicki" of yours ;D
Hey ajt,
It has a very slightly disturbing element to it, but really no more disturbing than life is itself. I guess it's the honesty of the piece which makes it really effective -- there's no sugar-coating or holding back. I think that's one of the most important aspects of writing -- honesty.
My honest opinion? I think it's really good.
This piece is so very honest, and really doesn't have much to pick on. I can tell that you've put a lot of heart and effort into it. There are no mistakes that I can really pick on, and I can imagine how it might be even more effective when sang along with music.
These are the only two lines I'm not completely sure about. Maybe "and bury" would be a better way to put it? Other than that, I like the simplicity of these lines -- they conjure quite powerful images within just a few words.
I love this, for some reason. It's so very effective.
This seems pretty polished -- in all honesty, I can't really think of anything to point out. My main advice would be to keep writing -- and keep writing with honesty.
~MorningMist~
It's good.
Looks perfect to me and I don't feel like I can help you improve somehow on this.
Deanie x