Outwards turns into inwards
Day turns into night
A frown is turned upside down
My mind is an unpredictable sight
Any minute of any day could be my last
But I don't truly knew that
Because I only think about that
Half of the time
Half of the time
Fifty percent of the time
White fades to black
Dreams turn into nightmares
I am colour blind to grey
Marmite: love or despair?
Any minute of any day could be my last
But how can I know that?
I only really acknowledge that fact
Half of the time
Half of the time
Fifty percent of the time
A rational mind with a twist
Sometimes rational thought is nowhere
As I slump down, down, down
Down, defeated, invisible shackles on the chair
This minute of this day will be my last
At least I think I know that
Because I seem to think the opposite fact
Half of the time
Half of the time
Fifty percent of the time
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey there!!! MysteryMe here for a review!!!
These lyrics are very deep and emotional, and the feelings in them are raw and real. I think you did an awesome job with this, and I found the depressing tone to be almost refreshing. Nice job
...
"Half of the time
Fifty per cent of the time"
I like this line, but it should read 'fifty percent of the time,' with percent being one word.
...
"Outwards turns into inwards
Day turns into night
A frown is turned upside down
My mind is an unpredictable sight"
The beginning was extremely strong, and I absolutely loved the flow of it. The only improvement I might suggest is changing 'My mind is an unpredictable sight' to 'My mind: an unpredictable sight.' This would make the flow better, as for some reason the word 'is' really stuck out to me and ruined the line.
...
"Any minute of any day could be my last
But how can I know that?
I only really acknowledge that fact
Half of the time"
Besides the beginning, these were my favorite lines. I don't really know why, I just loved it. The words really spoke to me, and held a lot of truth.
...
Anyway, hoped this helped!!!! Remember to keep writing!!!
Hey! I'm here to do a review on this very unique song. And I love to write songs too, so I know at least somewhat of what I'm talking about haha, alright, onto the review.
Okay, so first things first, your intro and hook. I really liked the first verse, and opening line, the opening line hooks the listener in using an inverse, turing the opening word into it's opposite, which is also the ending word to the sentence. I think it really hooks the reader and gives them a sense of a theme in the song, a sense of opposites. I also like the fact that you restated the overall theme of the song without restating exact lines, it gives the song a sense of nice repetition, without making it seem drawn out and too repetitive. Grammar wise, in the sixth line, change knew into know because it ruins the tense you're using in the story.
The chorus is a bit short for my tastes, but it also gives the reader something to take in and remember, so it stays in their head, it is also a great hook, I like it a lot. It kind of correlates with the theme you were building in the first verse, but it also builds another, it's neither a good thing or a bad thing. It makes it so it adds layers to the song, but at the same time not over complicating the message you're trying to send to the reader. So go over it some more, see if it's really the way you want to take the song, and if you decide to change it then it will just make things easier to digest for the reader, but if you don't change it, nothing will be lost from the song.
The second verse follows the same theme as the first, but also adds refreshingly new lines to the mix and has the sense of repetition without having it seem old or stale. I also like the fact the last line of each verse is the same and restates the hook of your song.
I like the fact that the last verse (or bridge most likely) is something new and doesn't repeat the pattern shown in the other verses. It is original and adds a twist to the song but also starting to tie in the theme you were building in the other verses. Great job, and I like that you repeated the last line again, repetition is good for building your hook.
The outro is a bit predictable but not at all stale, it ties in everything and gives the reader a sense of something slowly drifting away. While at the same time giving the reader the last taste of your hook and really cementing it in their mind so they remember the song, great job.
All in all, I really enjoyed this song and I think you have quite a bit of potential as a song writer. It was very unique, catchy and had a nice overlying theme. If you have any questions or just want to follow up on the review, don't be afraid to PM me or just chat with me using the chat. Keep writing and I hope you have a great day!
~Jony
Seems like you have held back on your punctuation buddy, and you would do good to have it in there. You begin to add it in some places near the end, which means you absolutely should go back and place it in all the places where it is needed. I could spend a while showing you through the whole poem, but instead I'll just example one paragraph and move onto other points. I also bolded a typo I found.
Anyway, I think your intuition on punctuation for your own poem is better than mine, but I think it definitely needs to be placed in.
I quite like this poem. I like the theme you carry throughout it with the half of the time, fifty percent* of the time. I think it ties in nicely.
*Oh yeah its percent not per cent. Per cent is like a rate of change of money. Like saying per dollar.
I feel like these two lines (the first one in particular) are a bit klutzy, maybe because of that tense typo, but I think slightly rephrasing the words might be better, even if its replacing truly.
Anyway, good job on this poem.