Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi AJ! Okay so I decided to tackle this one next
Out of interest, why omit the I? The line would be stronger as 'I sent my letter of divorce' because the I has a hard sound that adds power behind the line, while the s makes for a very soft start.My first criticism is where's the punctuation? Just because it's lyrics, that doesn't mean you can't get lazy with the full stops and commas. Punctuation tells us how we should read something, or in this case sing it and it's even harder when we don't have the tune so punctuation would really help you out here!
Line-By-Line
It feels like you could use a few more syllables in this line. That rhyme comes a little too fast and the reader ends up inserting a pause which doesn't feel natural.
Try to avoid the word nice! I can see you're using it in an ironic way here but even then there are stronger words you could have chosen. Almost any other derivitive of nice would be stronger.
The lover vs saint or sinner vs saint sentiment is too over used in lyrics. Try a different angle!
Great half rhyme on the gained, that was unexpected and fit in really nicely.
This line is far too forced. It doesn't fit, it doesn't even make sense to me who knows what YWS is. How can he not know the initials when he just gave them?
This stanza is my least favourite. The reference to her is too vague and just feels like you felt that you had to throw a love interest in there somewhere and then the swearing is very blase. When paired with a bubble-gum rhyme where the other half sounds forced, it just jars too much with the rest of the lyrics.
The Chorus
Now that part I really like. It has a great sentiment (or lack of rather) and the rhythm is spot on and the brevity/ simplicity of it works really well with the content. So full marks on the chorus!
Content
What you've got at the moment is mostly good and I like how it verges on the silly/ ironic. However, I felt that you didn't make the stanzas long enough or spend enough time and effort on any one area. Generally a song will dedicate a stanza to each issue and then use maybe a line to link previous issues or tie in the overall theme. When there's only four lines for a stanza, that can really restrict you though! So maybe shake it up a bit and cover more ideas and go into more detail on the ones you have, otherwise this will be a very short song.
Overall
I like the structure you have here and the overall plan but I think there was a lot more you could have used! In what other ways could he be an arrogant American? Does he drive a flash car that he can't afford or refuse jobs and live on the benefict system because he can't get the top career and feels any other would be below him? Also, if you're going to go for a specific love interest, rather than just a vague failure in that department, you need to make it dominate more of the song.
Other than that though, I liked this and I think it has great potential so good luck!
Heather xxx
Hey, AJ!
Your song here actually has some really nice rhythm. It reads very well, which certainly means it'll be a nice listen once put to music! Very well done on that. You'd be surprised how many people struggle with rhythm.
This also told a very nice story, so it certainly has some content that you apparently didn't see! There's more to this song than you give yourself credit for!
I'm not too much of a fan of this stanza. I find it repetitious and not really having any significance with the song itself. I think there's a difference between being a liar and being arrogant? Maybe I'm just confused. It certainly is an odd hour of the night for me. The stanza didn't do much for me though, so I guess it's just food for thought!
At this point, I wasn't sure how serious you were with this song. xD Using YWS in a published piece would be mightily impressive and silly at the same time. It's not that well-known of an acronym and/or website, so if you think of an average Joe on the street, they probably wouldn't understand the use of it at all.
The metaphor of not knowing the alphabet didn't make much sense to me here either.
BUT. I have to say that I love your cleverness of using the alphabet metaphor with YWS. XD That all tied in nicely by itself if not with the song.
I think that's all I've really got to say! Overall, it has potential, and I'm sure it would attract an audience out there considering the topic. I'm not particularly attached to it, and by the end, I have sort of mixed feelings about the speaker. He seemed to just have a bad attitude about everything, and I didn't really care. However, there are a lot of those songs out there, so I kept my thoughts to myself.
Great job! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
P.S. I'm so glad you put a rating in the title! You're so clever. *snugs* Could we up it to 18+ for the sexual content?