Published May 19, 2012
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141,258 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Neh, this song is so random. It sounds just like someone speaking. You said you'd written a song that wasn't about hate or death or love, and I think you managed it, although you were teetering in the second to last verse. Love that line- "I'm in love-wow." Like whoa baby, what just happened here? I'm in LOVE? What? What you talkin about? I've been in love eight times already, I can't be in love again.
If you intend this song to be meaningful, though, you're going to have to work on it. It sounds realistic, it mentions love, but "It's far from th end" in this context, makes no sense. If that's what you were aiming for, yay for you. If not, we need some explanation. "Far from the end" of what? Of your love? It sounds like your love is just beginning, we don't think it's the end of that. Of your life? Why does that matter? Is is just a stock mysterious phrase thrown in to confuse us? If so, please don't, I like a straightforward song and sometimes I like a song where I can puzzle out the meaning, but I don't like when I have to carve a meaning out of a song that really has no meaning at all. And what's "on the brink"?
It's confusing. My head hurts. Waaaaahhhh.....But on another note, I like the fact that you include the name Megan. It makes the history feel more firm. You included a single detail, and it makes the whole rest of the song sound more real, like this guy has a background: He knew someone named Megan!
Anyways, congratulations. Not about love or hate or death, but....did you avoid making it about music itself, is my question.
Hi, AJ!
This is a nice piece of work. Certainly short and simple, but short and simple can be good! Especially when audio is a bit harder for folks to comprehend than visual. You also had some nice rhyme scheme, and none of it sounds forced either.
Teehee. I don't know anyone who can write hate or death!
Is the speaker making a link that's already on the brink? Or is it meant to... repair the brink? Or overlap it? Or replace it or something. xD
XD Is this meant to flatter her? Though it would be fun to tie that into a nine-lives/cat-themed song/poem/work. Hmm...
As an overall impression, I feel like it's almost... too simple and didn't really make sense. It said what it wanted to say, and then it ended! I also can't tell who the song is actually talking to. I originally thought if was the person they're in love with, but there are parts of it which I'm not sure one would tell such a person. xD
I did like the repeated four lines you ended with. Those were nice! It definitely emphasizes the speaker's stubbornness in making things work. It probably could have been explained a little more, but it does well enough already!
Nice piece. Look forward to reading more!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Maybe in between "Perhaps it'll stay", you can put "Just for another day." When it comes to "Even Megan," you should change that to "Even Megan got bored, and just moved on." "She just moved on." On the ending "This is not the end," you should say that twice so you make people know it’s not the end. In all it's a really good song, it would sound great with a electric guitar and holding out on the end of some notes. You did great!