Published August 20, 2011
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138,507 Literary Works • 672,144 Reviews
How to put it?
Amaze-balls.
You should hunk all of these together to create an awesomesauce series.
You could entitle it 'blanks' or 'white' or something. Make a statement about how overworked some people's writing can be. I think you really put a stop to that with these kinds of pieces.
And yep, I am still enjoying them.
XD
Spoiler
Yes, yes, this is definitely the kind of song that you'd probably find me listening too... Very unusual, and meaningful lyrics. I'm not too keen on some of the music in the charts at the moment
This part reminds me of an old Christmas Carol I used to sing.
And the very last part reminds me of Avril Lavigne's 'Take Me Away' song.
It goes,
I just love songs that remind me of other things.
Can you play an instrument? I'll be in your band! I'll play a drum, or a triangle or something because I can see you going far :D
I know, I know. My review probably didn't help you at all, but I did want to say something, because you're very good at writing lyrics... and this is good, and it flows just nicely and you did a great job. It has a nice feel to it, too, because as I've mentioned, it reminds me of other things.
Good luck,
Emmzziee
Very good! This was a great and creative idea! I am looking forward to reading some other songs that you will write.
'There's something to be said for you
With your hopes of higher ruling
But the slug on my neck
He just won't stop chewing'
That part was a bit confusing. Could you explain it? I would like to understand what it means
Hi, AJ!
So this song is alright. I've read better work from you, but this is okay! It's more fluffy though, I think. There's not enough meat in it. All the repetition and pretty-built lines are lovely, but it doesn't quite satisfy the listener's desires in hearing a message.
This is what I saw as the center of this song, but it's not quite there yet either. (Also, do slugs chew? I'm thinking some sort of parasite might, but I've no idea about slugs. xD) The speaker is feeling burdened, I realize that. But I'm... just not quite getting it. I tried to tie it in with:
But it just confuses me as to who the speaker is talking to. Maybe I'm just sleepy and it's completely obvious. xD I just wasn't drawing connections though.
I'm not sure where this came from. I couldn't draw any parallels to the rest of the song, so for an ending, I didn't find it all that effective. It sounds pretty, definitely! But I'm not sure of its purpose in the song.
For some reason, I really liked this! I can't quite put my finger on it, but it seemed to fit very well, and it was phrased nicely! So yay!
But with all the repetition, I do think the message was getting a bit buried. I'd suggest trying to build on the core of the piece a bit more, get rid of some of that fluff. It would make this a nice, solid song then. In my opinion, of course. Great work, though! It's definitely getting there.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
So I thought I was the second reviewer. XP
My bad.
Overall, this is good. I like how you used the same phrase with different wording; it makes the reader/listener pay attention. (Alternately, it can confuse the rea--consumer, so just be aware of that. It's a stylistic choice here, so not everyone will like it.)
In the last lines of the first two stanzas, I would take out "He", but
that's just meit's really up to you.Speaking of which--I don't know what to make of the slug. The monkey on your back, it's a common phrase, easy to recognize and understand. But why is a slug chewing your neck? Why is he on your neck?
Why didn't you brush him off?My logical side will shut up now. Still, I'm not sure why you used a slug.I don't have much else to say about the rest of the song, since you mostly repeat things, and I already talked a little bit about that. I do wonder why that last stanza was added--it seems somewhat out of place. What limit are you being pushed towards? You only mention the monkey on your back, the slug on your neck, and the fact that you want this someone you're addressing to hold you. I understand you want him to "give" you "light", but I still don't understand it.
Thanks for posting this for us to read! I enjoyed it.
This is really good. I liked how you repeated the lines, to give it more emphasis. There are some places where I would of used a different word, but that's more of personal preference. The grammar and vocabulary was good. I think it could of used a little more flow, but it's not completely at a lack of flow (I have trouble with flow sometimes). But it's still really good, and I think it has a lot meanings you could put it with. So keep writing.
I'm walking in the rain
To end this misery
I'm walking in the rain
To celebrate this misery
What's that you say?
Because I can't hear
What's that you say
I couldn't hear my favorite part