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of empires and stomachaches

by Arcticus

you move with imperial finesse
graceful, unquestionable authority

you censor any speaking pair of lips
with your fingers — those ten truncheons
that baton-charge the mouth of protest

(whispers are dissent to you)

you tell me that your fingerprints are the law— unchangeable
and your snapping fingers are war drums that I
must march to, as I stay within the borderlines that you
scratch into the earth with the swords of your nails

delicately, you place decrees on my tongue, for me to swallow down:
"To Vomit is Sedition", but I, Your Majesty,
have been feeling nauseous, lately. I feel as if
there's something brewing in my guts—
I keep burping out stifled rebellions

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User avatar

Points: 435
Reviews: 4

Thu Mar 10, 2016 7:34 pm
Techpotter123 wrote a review...

Dear Autumns,

Techpotter123 here to review. I would call it amazing but that would be too obvious. That is exactly how I feel whenever I have a stomachache. Your line "you censor any speaking pair of lips with your fingers" I LOVE that line. I like how you used show not tell in not just that line but through out the entire poem. All though it was really short it told me a lot. I knew exactly what was happening. Opps getting a stomachache, gotta go.

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79 Reviews

Points: 250
Reviews: 79

Wed Mar 09, 2016 12:49 pm
Sevro wrote a review...

Caterpickle here to review.

Wow, Autumns, this is amazing. I love this genre of poetry, about the rebellions developing, and the tyrannical dictators, because there are so many words and phrases to describe that situation. After reading your awesome poem, I have found a thousand more of those words and phrases. Everything in here is new and fresh, and I love the flow.

The first stanza was a great opening stanza, you are kind of letting the reader test the waters a bit, giving us a feel of how this poem is going to work. Then, when you get into the second stanza, the reader becomes blown away already by lines like, "those ten truncheons" and "baton-charge the mouth of protest". The line in parentheses right after that says so many things in such a little line. It was easy and difficult to wrap my mind around it, which is the telltale sign of an excellent writer.

"You tell me that your fingerprints are the law—unchangeable." I adore this line. I want to steal it so bad. It is a perfect simile, with no flaws whatsoever. Well done. The "borderlines" and "swords of your nails" part is great as well. It shows a lot of imagery, and a picture has developed in my mind about what this ruler looks like, just from the "nails" description.

"To Vomit is Sedition" is brilliant! God, it would take me hours to come up with even one line as good as these ones. Completely genius. And the last line just brings it all to an end, explaining the second part of the title.

This is an amazing poem, and I commend you for being able to write it. Well done, excellent work!


Arcticus says...

thank you for the kind words

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11 Reviews

Points: 1299
Reviews: 11

Tue Mar 08, 2016 9:29 pm
Ellesegar wrote a review...

Heyyy... so it's Ellesegar here, doing a review. So without further ado, let the grreeeeaaattt reviewing begin!

First off, I really like this poem. It's new, innovative and I really like it.

Secondly, maybe it's just me, but I don't understand what the poem actually is supposed to be about. The title says of empires and stomachaches, but what does that mean?

Also, although I really like the poem, there is no real flow to it. Phrases are randomly placed in different areas and they are cut off and placed in a different lines. An example would be:

and your snapping fingers are war drums that I
must march to, as I stay within the borderlines that you
scratch into the earth with the swords of your nails

"I" and "must" should be together, otherwise the phrase doesn't flow as well. Just a few suggestions.

Overall, this poem is great! I really really like it! Great job and don't forget to keep writing:)

Never use your shield as a dinner plate, for that is when the enemy is most likely to attack.
— The KotGR Commander