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Privateer's Confloption

by Arbitrator

                                                         Privateer's Confloption

                                                  An Analogous Historical Comedy

                                                               by Arbitrator

                            No portion of this script may be performed, reproduced, or used by

                            any means, or quoted or published in any medium without the prior

                            written consent of your's truly. We hope you enjoy.

                                                                            FIRST DRAFT

            ARBITRATORY INC.                                       

            in association with:                                      August 09, 2005

            CANINE PRODUCTIONS                                  © 2005

            600,000 Canine Terrace                                CANINE PRODUCTIONS

            Paris, Brazil 00000                                        All Rights Reserved

                  CREDITS COME QUICKLY

                  No weird designs. Just the plain names.

                  And what do we hear?

                  I dunno, really.

                  This SONG:   the made up song that was just made up.

                                OH... ONE DAY THIS GUY TOLD ME,

                                "HEY! THERE IS A $96 FEE!"

                                SO I VETURED IN MY POCKET,

                                AND DREW OUT A LOCKET.

                                HE TOOK THAT ARCHAIC THING,

                                ASKING ME IF I COULD SING

                                AND THIS IS WHAT I SAID TO HIM,

                                "YOU'RE A BLOODY BRAZILIAN SHIM!"

                  As the SONG FINISHED --

                  -- CREDITS COME TO AN END.

                  And the movie begins...

                  FADE IN ON:

                  EXT. OCEAN - FRIGATE - NIGHT

                  Those waves. And the rocking boat. Oh... I'm already queasy...

                  And who the heck called a ship that? Frigate? Sounds like a curse

                  word or something...

                  Reletively quiet. And the boat is situated right outside the dock.

                  The coastal city is illuminated with big lights back behind the ship.

                  CAMERA STARTS TO MOVE --

                  SLOWLY, INEXORABLY, ZOOMING onto the deck --

                  -- and suddenly it stops after 21 seconds of zooming in.

                  We are on the INFIDELITY with a TIGHT CLOSEUP of weary crew

                  occupying themselves with grog and cards and sleeping.

                  CAMERA MOVES AGAIN.

                  Hear a loud splash as the camera positions itself near the rear of

                  the ship. On the poopdeck --

                  -- suddenly, another STOP.

                  A rather horrid looking man. Has an eye patch over an... eye... rather

                  uncommon I would think. His darkly tanned skin suggests a long history

                  up in the mines of the Dakota Territory --

                  -- whoops --

                  -- Wrong explantion. His darkly tanned skin suggests that he

                  has been raiding and pillaging every known land mark on this side of

                  the world... If the world had sides... A dark scar crosses his left cheek

                  and a mischevious grin plays host to numerous golden and silver false

                  teeth he has claimed for himself.

                  CAMERA MOVES AGAIN.

                  An abrupt snore claims the somewhat silent crew of miscreants.

                  Camera moves down the steps to the mast closest to the rear

                  of the ship.

                  CAMERA STOPS.

                  We are now looking upon a young gentlement of medium stature, but

                  how would we know for he is bound be countless pounds of rope.

                  Considering his situation, he should be frightened, but his bright face

                  beams with antisipation. His pale skin suggests that he has been

                  raiding and pillaging every known land mark on this side --

                  -- curse it all! --

                  -- His pale skin suggests a long history up in the mines of

                  the Dakota Territory in this New World of theirs. But how could we

                  possibly assume such an obscene history? Well we don't know, either.

                  Though a rather large swab has occupied this young fellows mouth, he

                  begins humming happily, looking toward the sky and the white sickle

                  hanging there.

                  One crew mate looks over at the racket and fumbles around along the

                  deck to find something big and heavy. In the darkness, he picks an

                  object up of moderate heaviness and size, chucks the thing at the

                  pale young fellow, misses, hits the mast!!! --

                  -- Thus, ruins the night for those who are on the INFIDELITY. You see,

                  this young fellow is unpopular, yet cannot be touched for some weird

                  reason. And this particular event triggered the damaging of the mast.

                  Or, rather the destruction.

                  A huge creaking was heard, causing the entire ship to be up in arms to

                  watch the entire shaft of their great ship tumble into the water. I guess

                  they don't make ships like they used to...

                  Thankfully, that pale dude was able to stand, and therefore, free himself

                  from the ropes. He then deposited the rags in his mouth. His name was

                  THORNMALE TENOROSE.

                                                      THORNMALE TENOROSE

                                           (exasperated by all the excitement)

                                What a wonderful night. I mean, look at that moon!

                                And all those stars! You don't see that back at

                                home. Wow. I could just stare up there all night.


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685 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 685

Tue Aug 09, 2005 1:43 pm
Rei says...

Vaguely amusing, but nothing special. What was withe the bits like --whoops-- and --curse it all!-- I never saw those in the screenwriters book I read.

"The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them."
— Louis C.K.