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E - Everyone

I.P.S (Episode 2)

by Aravind

[Scene 1]

(Police Headquarters - Mumbai)

SUMANTH - Welcome, sir.

SARTHAK - Where is he?

SHARVIN - (Standing in front of him - salutes) Sir! IPS Sharvin Arora, newly appointed Deputy Commissioner of Police.

SARTHAK - (Shakes hands with Sharvin) Sarthak Varma. (To Sumanth) Have you handed over the case?

SUMANTH - Oh yes (hands over the file).

(Sharvin opens the file to see his new case)

SUMANTH - It's a happening case for many years. Not only in Mumbai, it's happening all over the country, even with foreign lords.

SHARVIN - I see.

SUMANTH - We caught some children drug trafficking in Worli as well as Juhu. These are children aged 13 years and above.

SHARVIN - I see where this is going.

SUMANTH - There are related drug trafficking cases in the file too. I suspect Vaibhav Pandey.

SARTHAK - He's the biggest drug lord in Maharashtra state. Twice we caught him in Goa and Karnataka, but he's having the support of big businessmen and ministers.

SHARVIN - Hmm....

SARTHAK - Lately he's been inactive. This could be his scheme, I don't know well about this. Do the investigation and report back.

SHARVIN - (Salutes) Sir (leaves the room).

[Scene 2]

(Juhu Police Station)

VISHNU - Finally made it.

SHARVIN - (Smiles) Same here too.

VISHNU - What's the case?

SHARVIN - Drug trafficking activities in Worli and Juhu.

VISHNU - I see.

SHARVIN - (Opens the file and takes out the papers) The list of children who were involved in this case. All are aged 13 and above.

VISHNU - Fine.

SHARVIN - Their school details, and finally the samples which they had with them.

VISHNU - (Sniffs the sample) It's Cocaine.

SHARVIN - I thought so.

VISHNU - I'm assuming we have to find the main target, which I'm guessing will be Vaibhav Pandey.

SHARVIN - I've heard about him just now.

VISHNU - He's a big shot here. Whether it be drug or arms trafficking, he's the target you want to go after. We got hold of him twice, but due to pressure from ministers and big businessmen, he got out.


VISHNU - What information apart from the children do we have?

SHARVIN - Google map crime locations, the drug samples, and the school details.

VISHNU - We'll get in contact with these students, from then we'll follow the traces to find the man. It'll most probably be Vaibhav.

SHARVIN - Yes, but the evidence is needed. We can't just throw the man in because is the big guy. We'll do what you say and catch hold of these students.

[Scene 3]

(At Vrajlal Parekh Vidyanidhi High School - During Math Class)

TEACHER - (Writing the equation on the board) Substitute the values accordingly when solving for equation, ax squared plus bx plus c is equal to 0.

PRINCIPAL - (Walks into the class) Vidhya Ma'am.


PRINCIPAL - I would like to have Vansh, Zahan, and Sachin in my office.


(In the Principal's office)

PRINCIPAL - Sit down!

(the children are seated)

PRINCIPAL - (Angry) Two weeks since you were caught for doing such things! You're doing the same again?!

SACHIN - (Scared) S-Sir we-

VISHNU - (Walks in) Principal, sir?

PRINCIPAL - Officer.

VISHNU - No need for scoldings. I just need to ask some questions.

PRINCIPAL - Please proceed.

(Vishnu is seated along with the Principal - watching over the children)

VISHNU - I hope you've all learnt a very valuable lesson from what you did that day.

PRINCIPAL - Definitely! Bringing our school the bad name!

VISHNU - Sir, please, if you could let me talk with them.

PRINCIPAL - Sure (leaves the room).

VISHNU - Everyone just calm down. We're not going to arrest you or anything, we've just come to ask some questions and give some advice.

VANSH - (Tears) S-Sir, w-we didn't want to-

VISHNU - Shush. I'll come to that in a minute.


VISHNU - As far I can recall from that day, you three went to a club.

SACHIN - (Nervously) Y-Yes.

VISHNU - Okay. You didn't want to go, but your friends from an international school invited you to this crazy party.

ZAHAN - Yes.

VISHNU - And of course, you three were not comfortable, attending such a high-fi party.

ZAHAN - (Nervously) T-They were all, rich folks.

VISHNU - I see.

ZAHAN - My friends in that international school, t-they were decent like us.

VISHNU - Fine.

ZAHAN - (Soft voice) E-Everyone was drinking.

VISHNU - Even the people from the international school?

SACHIN - Y-Yes, them too.

VISHNU - Okay.

ZAHAN - But then (swallows) one of the guys, working in the club. H-He gave us each, a-a packet.

VISHNU - A packet?

ZAHAN - I-It was like a beanbag, but with white powder.

VISHNU - (Mind Voice) Cocaine.

ZAHAN - W-We left the club, a-and we didn't know what to do with the packets.

VISHNU - What did you do with them?

VANSH - We were carrying them, in hand, tossing them about. T-Then the police walking by, caught us (tears).

VISHNU - Any other details?

VANSH - (Tears) Parents found out, teachers found out.

VISHNU - (Finishes writing everything down) Which club was it again?

VANSH - Trilogy.

VISHNU - Trilogy Night Club, I see. (Finishes writing everything down) That's all I needed to know.

SACHIN - (Crying) Sorry, sir.

VISHNU - Stop crying, alright. I'm sure your parents must've told you this: When you go outside and someone gives you something, just avoid it. This man, you've never met him before, and he's giving you something you've never seen before. He's trying to get you into trouble, because you have no idea about what he's giving you.

There are tons of people like him in our society. They're all looking for ways to get others into trouble. The ones who get trapped are the people like you.

VANSH - I-I knew my friends from that school very well, t-they never told me about all this.

VISHNU - Your friends left out such information in order to have you attend the party. Even the closest of friends can do such things.

ZAHAN - (Tears) W-Why would they do such a thing?

VISHNU - As a friend, he's inviting you, which is a good thing. But one should always think when making such decisions. Sure he can be a good friend to you all, but he used peer pressure to get you people to attend this party. This is a common thing.

You want to know a story? My grandfather, my own grandfather. He got tricked into smoking because of peer pressure. We all have that one time where we want be like the cool kids. I'm sure you know.

VANSH - Yes, yes.

VISHNU - My grandfather got tricked, and couldn't resist himself from smoking. That's affected his life greatly, and even during his dying breath, he regretted what he had done that day. Don't put yourself through the same situation. Just because your friends are saying it's cool to attend such parties, with rich folks as such, doesn't mean you should follow his every command.

There's a saying, that even god can't do all great things. Friend is a friend, but you should be able to distinguish whether you are going the right path, or the wrong path. Never forget this advice for your entire life. I'll make myself very clear: Attending such parties at such an age shouldn't be allowed. With money you can get away with most things in this country, but you shouldn't let the loopholes create advantages for you.

One should have a clear mind when making decisions. Let this be a lesson for you all - No letters will be sent to your parents, and vice versa. From now onwards, I want you all to think before you do something. You don't need to attend such parties to be one with the rich and popular. Making meaningful decisions makes a great man.

[Scene 4]

(Juhu Police Station)

SHARVIN - (On the Phone) Hello?

VISHNU - (On the Phone) Sharvin, I've got some more information from the children.


VISHNU - Head over to Trilogy Night Club. Our next target works there.

SHARVIN - Got it.

(Sharvin and some five constables, and three sub-inspectors are now going to Trilogy Night Club)

SHARVIN - Let the constables cover the club's boundary.

SUB INSPECTOR 1 - Yes, sir.

SHARVIN - You guys go in and conduct the investigation.


[Scene 5]

(Inside Trilogy Night Club - No one's there, except for the staff. They are getting the drinks and other beverages ready for the night)

SUB INSPECTOR 1 - Manager?


SUB INSPECTOR 1 - Jai Khanna, Sub Inspector of Police.

MANAGER - How can I help?

SUB INSPECTOR 1 - We need to speak with your staff. Can you get them here?


(The staff has assembled)

SUB INSPECTOR 2 - We're investigating the event of drug-trafficking in this club. I'm not sure if many of you know about this, but we caught some three children red-handed. They were carrying packets of Cocaine with them. Someone here has given these children the drugs, present yourself now and there'll be no consequences.

(No one comes up - the man who gave the packets is feeling stressed out)

SUB INSPECTOR 3 - (Walking by to see each staff member) No need to play any silly tricks. Show yourself, and there'll be no consequences.

(The man is beginning to feel even mroe stressed out as the Sub Inspector walked by him)

SUB INSPECTOR 3 - (Stands in front of them all) Okay, I'm assuming the man is nervous, or even shy to step up. I'm going to relax this a bit, and just wait around here. (to the other sub inspectors) You can take off.

(They other two sub inspectors leave the venue)

SUB INSPECTOR 3 - I'll be around here, keeping an eye on you all. Back to work!

MANAGER - Thank you, sir.

(Meanwhile, the targeted staff member is looking for a way to escape through the back door. He's however stopped by constables)

CONSTABLE 1 - Hey!! Stop!!

STAFF MEMBER 1 - (Running for his life) Stop!

(He is stopped by Sharvin)

SHARVIN - (Pointing his gun at the man) Don't move.

(The man has his hands up)

SHARVIN - You're coming with me.

[Scene 6]

(Interrogation Room)

STAFF MEMBER 1 - I don't know what you're talking about. I don't deal drugs!

SHARVIN - (Walking about) Listen, I can go on and on about this the whole night. I'm where I want to be, and I'm pretty sure you're needed back at the night club.

STAFF MEMBER 1 - How many times do I have to tell you! I'm not involved in this stupid business!

SHARVIN - You're afraid I'll arrest you, am I right?

(The man is silent)

SHARVIN - I thought so. I'll make myself clear, I'm not going to arrest you, I will however tell you that you'll get fired from that club.

STAFF MEMBER 1 - Why are you telling me this?

SHARVIN - Because I know, you want to know the consequences of you being here. I'm straightforward, and letting you know what's coming for you. You're only going to get fired. Give me information about your drug dealing connections, and you're off.

STAFF MEMBER 1 - (After a while, he begins to speak) Ganesh Rao.


STAFF MEMBER 1 - You know, t-the shipping business he runs.

SHARVIN - Right.

STAFF MEMBER 1 - He occasionally comes here for parties. He's a good friend of mine.


STAFF MEMBER 1 - It's a side business he has, along with Vaibhav Pandey.

SHARVIN - (Mind voice) I knew it.

STAFF MEMBER 1 - T-That's all I know.

SHARVIN - Something more, tell me that little bit of information you have. Was it only Cocaine?

STAFF MEMBER 1 - It's only Cocaine and Marijuana that goes around in Mumbai. Other drugs, I think are rare.

SHARVIN - This Ganesh Rao, has drug imports from abroad?

STAFF MEMBER 1 - I think so. He never mentions this stuff to me.

SHARVIN - And...he's having Vaibhav assist him in all this?

STAFF MEMBER 1 - I guess.

SHARVIN - (Finishes writing the information down) Right then, you're done.

STAFF MEMBER 1 - That's it?

SHARVIN - That's all.

STAFF MEMBER 1 - O-Okay (turns back to leave the interrogation room - he gets a call and answers it) Hello?

(From the back - Sharvin is talking to the man)

SHARVIN - (On the Phone to the man) No tricks, no drug dealing hereafter. I'm watching you.

STAFF MEMBER 1 - (In shock) H-How did you-

SHARVIN - You wrote down your contact details in that book, just before the interrogation.

(The man is speechless)

SHARVIN - I'm watching your every move. I can trace your call, and your whereabouts. Don't think you can fool me by changing SIM Cards and all - we're everywhere.

[Scene 7]

(Police Meeting)

SUMANTH - The case of drug trafficking happened some weeks back. What's the status?

VISHNU - Sir! We've gotten hands of the men working in clubs, both in Juhu and Worli.

SUMANTH - I see.

(Vishnu gets up to present his findings - As a Presentation)

VISHNU - These are the teenagers we found in Worli. They're aged 13, and 14 years of age. They've been drug dealing with a staff member in the night club. They've been carrying Cocaine.

SUMANTH - Okay. How much?

VISHNU - 500g of Cocaine per person.

SUMANTH - I see.

VISHNU - The staff members in both Juhu and Worli night clubs, they have connections with Ganesh Rao. You know, the man behind the shipping business.


VISHNU - According to the information gathered from these two, we've found out that there's heavy trafficking of Marijuana and Cocaine in Mumbai. These supplies are coming from both in and out of the country.


VISHNU - Our next move is targeting the Shipping Business and the local drug businesses. We'll be needing help from the Narcotics department.

SUMANTH - Yes, definitely.

(Narcotics Department show up)

OFFICER 1 - Yes, sir.

VISHNU - We'll be needing one team taking care of the boundaries of Mumbai. Check for any suspected vehicles or activities in the area.

OFFICER 1 - Sure, we can do that.

VISHNU - We'll be needing another team watching out for drug dealing activities within the cities. There are quite a few drug lords in Mumbai, apart from the big one.

INSPECTOR 1 - Vaibhav Pandey, of course.

VISHNU - So that team will have to catch hold of these guys within Mumbai. Finally, we'll be having another team take care of the coastal areas. Any harbour, port, pier, any area suitable for exports and imports. I'll be taking care of activities within Mumbai, and local drug businesses. Sharvin Arora and his team will be at the coastal areas.

SUMANTH - Okay, sounds good. Be careful when dealing with Ganesh Rao. That man has tremendous amount of wealth and power.

[Scene 8]

(After the meeting)

SHARVIN - We'll be having coast guards along the coastline, starting from Versova Beach, and all the way down to Colaba. The others will stay put on the other side of Mumbai.

ALL - Yes, sir!

(Teams have set up on the boundaries of Mumbai, as well as in Mumbai City - to keep watching for Drug trafficking)

VISHNU - (Walkie Talkie) Is your team set up?

SHARVIN - (Walkie Talkie) Yes.

VISHNU - See if you can spot Vaibhav Pandey, or even Ganesh Rao for that matter.


(Officers around Thane are on the look out)

OFFICER 2 - Hey! Check the truck!

(There's a man in a truck - some distance from the truck in front of the officers)

DRIVER 1 - (On the Phone) Hello? The police are checking the trucks and other vehicle junks. O-Okay, got it (drops the call) Hey! Get me the guns!

OFFICER 2 - Hey, stop! Let me check the trunk!

(The driver shoots the officer and drives off)

OFFICER 1 - Hey! Hey! (Walkie Talkie) We have a man, now entering Mumbai from Thane.

(Inspectors are waiting at the Checkpoint - Entering Mumbai)

INSPECTOR 1 - Tighten the security!

OFFICER 1 - (Walkie Talkie) Vehicle Number MH 02 CR 4063.

INSPECTOR 2 - (Walkie Talkie) Okay! Got it!

(The driver is at the checkpoint - officers manage to spot the truck)

INSPECTOR 3 - (Holding a gun at the driver) Stop!! Don't move!!

(Driver comes down from the truck)

INSPECTOR 3 - (Handcuffs the driver) Idiot! Get in the van!!

(The driver is taken into the Police Van)

OFFICER 1 - (Walkie Talkie) Vishnu Kuruvilla sir, we have a man down.

VISHNU - (Walkie Talkie) Rush him into Hospital. Bring that driver to Powai.

[Scene 9]

(At Mumbai Port Trust, 11pm - Sharvin is ready and spots Vaibhav Pandey)

VAIBHAV - Unload the goods!

(Goods are getting unloaded from the ship)

SUPERVISOR - Sir, my money?

VAIBHAV - Here (hands him 2 Lakhs - 200,000 Rupees).

SUPERVISOR - Thank you, sir (smiling).

VAIBHAV - Keep up the good work. Ganesh is in town?

SUPERVISOR - He's in Hong Kong. He'll be back tomorrow evening.


SUPERVISOR - You're so generous to give me this much.

VAIBHAV - That's for you to shut up, not for helping me unload. This port is already under Ganesh's control. You just have to shut up. You can ask Ganesh yourself, because I'm making tons off this stuff. As far as I'm concerned about local businesses. (Answers the phone) Hello? What?! Shit! (Drops the call and tosses the phone into the water in anger).

SUPERVISOR - What happened?

VAIBHAV - Mind your own business! Someone screwed up.


INSPECTOR 4 - I heard we caught someone getting into Mumbai from Pune.


(Vaibhav checks the drugs coming in)

VAIBHAV - Right, we've got all of them. Get them inside the warehouse.

(Sharvin sees them getting the stuff into the truck)

SHARVIN - Note down the vehicle number.

INSPECTOR 5 - MH 04 CR 2298.

SHARVIN - Proceed as per plan.

(Inspector in Mufti goes near the truck - unseen. He places a cell phone inside the trunk and returns)

SHARVIN - The phone is active, right?


SHARVIN - Get the others to trace this vehicle.

[Scene 10]

(Interrogation Room)

DRIVER 1 - I know nothing!

(Vishnu kicks him)

VISHNU - Such an idiot. You shot our man and drove off!!

DRIVER 1 - So?!

VISHNU - I can do this all day. You've been coming in from Pune, I know that. You had tons of Marijuana inside your truck!!

DRIVER 1 - Vaibhav asked for them.

VISHNU - I see.

DRIVER 1 - That's it, he just wanted me to deliver the goods.

VISHNU - I see. (To the constable) Lock him up!

DRIVER 1 - Sir, Sir! Please!

VISHNU - Shush! Get inside!!

[Scene 10]

(In the computer room - the men have traced the warehouse location)

OFFICER 6 - Warehouse location is near Deonar Dumping Ground, Baiganwadi area.

(Inspectors have reached the area)

INSPECTOR 6 - (Walkie Talkie) Sir, we've reached the area.

SHARVIN - (Walkie Talkie) Are all the drugs in there?

INSPECTOR 6 - Yes, sir.

SHARVIN - Wait till Ganesh Rao comes back. Then we'll proceed with our plan.

(Meanwhile - With Vaibhav Pandey)

VAIBHAV - (On the Phone) Hello? Yes, we've got the supplies in from Hong Kong. You can come and check.

[Scene 11]

(Next Day - Andheri Police Station)

CONSTABLES - (Salute) Sir!

VISHNU - Where are they?

CONSTABLES - In the cell.

(The drug dealers are in jail)

VISHNU - (Reads off names from the papers) Sukhdeep?


VISHNU - Sawan.

SAWAN - Here.

(After reading some 7 names)

VISHNU - Drug dealing in Lower Parel, Colaba, and Dadar. Wow! You can give yourselves a medal.


VISHNU - You people just don't seem to listen. You just go at the back of some rich guy, who gives you good wages or controls your family. You people digust me.....no need for further details. If I see you guys one more time, it'll be a bullet in the head.

SAWAN - Hehe.

VISHNU - (Whips out his gun and shoots the cell wall) I can kill anyone with this, mind it.

[Scene 12]

(Chhatrapati Shivaji International Airport - Arrivals)

GANESH - (Walks out and on the phone) I'm coming.

DRIVER 2 - (Holding a placard with Ganesh's name) Sir?

GANESH - Me right?

DRIVER 2 - Ganesh Rao?


DRIVER 2 - Hello sir! Welcome to Mumbai.

GANESH - I thought my personal driver is coming to pick me up.

DRIVER 2 - He's out sick, so Vaibhav sent me.

GANESH - Okay, so you know Vaibhav.

DRIVER 2 - Where to?

GANESH - First to my place, then we'll head for the warehouse.

(At Ganesh's house - He rings the doorbell)

WIFE - Ganesh?

GANESH - W-What's happening?!

(He sees police investigating his place)

GANESH - Hey! What're you all doing here?! Get out!! I'll report you!!

SHARVIN - Oh! Ganesh Rao, welcome sir.

GANESH - This is my house, my property, now get out.

SHARVIN - Have a seat. We'll finish shortly.

(They are both seated)

SUB INSPECTOR 7 - Sir, we found records of drugs being shipped from South Africa, Hong Kong, and Malaysia.

GANESH - (Shocked) Huh?!

SHARVIN - (Takes the record in hand) That's quite something. You've been doing this for over two years now.

GANESH - I refuse to share any details with you.

SHARVIN - You have no choice.

GANESH - I say you leave me in peace.

SHARVIN - You've been using Vaibhav Pandey as your man for keeping contacts with drug lords near Mumbai as well as abroad. Then of course, you've had some drug dealers within Mumbai distribute them to people in clubs and parties. Surely the adults manage to escape - not this time, as you tried it on children.

(Ganesh Rao is stunned)

SHARVIN - (Checks the record) Oh wow! So you haven't paid taxes for these incoming drugs. Now that lands you with 450 Crores worth black money.

GANESH - If you're attempting to threaten me, it's surely not working. This is a big business, and I know very well you would agree with me on that. So what? I'm not diverting 25% of my businesses attention to this. Nothing bad could happen!

SHARVIN - So, this 25% of your focus, it's too little.


SHARVIN - And it's mostly your main business.

GANESH - Of course!

SHARVIN - Seriously?

GANESH - This 25% focus means nothing to me! I just need to divert myself a little towards this side, and I'm making tons off it.

SHARVIN - Sure (Walkie Talkie) Is the area clear?

INSPECTOR 2 - (Walkie Talkie) Yes.

SHARVIN - Go for it.

GANESH - What's that?

SHARVIN - You'll see.

(After a while - Ganesh's phone rings)

GANESH - (On the Phone) Hello?

VAIBHAV - (On the Phone) The hell is happening here?!

GANESH - What are you saying?!

VAIBHAV - The warehouse is in flames!!

GANESH - (Stands up in shock) What?!

VAIBHAV - Some little birdie has given us away!!

GANESH - (Drops the call) You!!-

SHARVIN - (Places handcuffs on Ganesh) Thank you very much. For your information, that building was illegal, anyway.

WIFE - Hey!! Stop!! Let go of him!!

SHARVIN - Madam, your husband ought to be dealt with.

SON - Papa?

GANESH - Arjun?

SON - What did you do?

SHARVIN - (Whispers into Ganesh's ear) Nice job, papa. You really showed your kid how to do things in this world.

[Scene 13]

(In Court)

VISHNU - We have records of Ganesh Rao's drug deals with foreign businesses too.

JUDGE - Hmm....I see.

VISHNU - Not only that! We even found his connections with Vaibhav Pandey. He's been using him to get the supplies from both outside Mumbai, and outside India. Mumbai Port Trust has been a key centre for importing these goods from abroad too.

JUDGE - I hereby announce the imprisonment of both Vaibhav Pandey and Ganesh Rao, for 5 years. The shipping business shall no longer continue here onwards. We ask for complete shut downs of such illegal buildings and warehouses in Mumbai.

(After the case finished)

VISHNU - Nicely done.

SHARVIN - Thank you.

WIFE - P-Please forgive me, I-I should've never scolded you like that.

SHARVIN - That's fine. After all, you were looking after your husband. We can't interfere with the law. He must go through 5 years imprisonment.

WIFE - O-Okay.

SHARVIN - As for you, little one. Let this be an example to show that even the ones who are close to you, can be involved with the bad. If you need any support, please contact me (gives her his number).

WIFE - O-Okay.


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129 Reviews

Points: 1820
Reviews: 129

Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:45 pm
Wriskypump wrote a review...

I don't normally review scripts because it's hard for me to get a sense of what's happening setting-wise because all I'm seeing is words and names. I may end up nitpicking a lot; especially since I see that other reviewers have taken on the quintessence of the believability of how the plot moves.

PRINCIPAL - Definitely! Bringing our school the bad name! - Nobody really talks like that. They'd say, Bringing our school a bad name, or you've given our school a bad name

ZAHAN - My friends in that international school, t-they were decent like us.

VISHNU - Fine. - Here again we have someone saying something they wouldn't. This time it's not because people don't speak that way, but because it doesn't line up in prompt from what Zahan just said. Vishnu would more likely either say nothing and continue listening (mayhaps with a nod), or say something like "Right."

My grandfather got tricked, and couldn't resist himself from smoking. - It would be more likely Vishnu would say, couldn't keep himself from smoking. And "that smoke," or "that first smoke," more specifically. I think it is a very good part of this story how the cop tells them this little moral story about his/her grandpa. Very reflective, and meaningful part in the tale to have.

"VAIBHAV - That's for you to shut up, not for helping me unload. This port is already under Ganesh's control. You just have to shut up. You can ask Ganesh yourself, because I'm making tons off this stuff. As far as I'm concerned about local businesses. (Answers the phone) Hello? What?! Shit! (Drops the call and tosses the phone into the water in anger).

SUPERVISOR - What happened?
VAIBHAV - Mind your own business! Someone screwed up."
- This is a really Good part where Vaibhav and the Supervisor have a monetary exchange and an exchange of hard words. I do suggest you let us know the phone rings and interrupts the conversation: like (phone rings, answers it)

INSPECTOR 5 - MH 04 CR 2298.
SHARVIN - Proceed as per plan." - Sharvin would say, Proceed as planned.

You people digust me..." - typo there.

GANESH - I thought my personal driver is coming to pick me up. - Was, not is there.

This is pretty well written, gramatically speaking it is very clean. But I feel... it's something like dry. There's no look into any of the cop-to-cop relations as far as coworkers go; there's not very much emotion, at least it didn't feel like it; and all the Investigating happened very quickly and the bad guys totally never even had a chance to get away because the agents anticipated every move as if they were reading the drug dealers thoughts, especially the nervous staff guy from the Night club. You could also have unexpected endings, like cops getting hurt, not being able to locate suspects, hostages, suspects leading agents on goose chases or setting traps for them. It was as if the agents came against no challenges in this case at all. The writing style is your big strength though. Be a little bit more inventive and this thing can go a long ways.

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1729 Reviews

Points: 92030
Reviews: 1729

Wed Sep 21, 2016 6:33 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...

Okay, this mostly read pretty good and very much like a cop drama, EXCEPT everything was too easy. See, look.

1. The children admit to everything readily. Okay, I can buy that, they’re scared kids who have never been in trouble in the law before.
2. The nightclub worker doesn’t come forward, but the police easily figure out who he is. Once they do, he admits to everything readily.
3. The driver shoots an officer and drives off, but the police get his plates and easily catch up to him. Once they do, he admits to everything readily.
4. The police easily find the warehouse used by the drug lords and catch several dealers.
5. The police search Ganesh Rao’s house, find all further evidence they could possibly need, and easily take Ganesh in.
6. Ganesh and Vaibhav stand trial and are immediately put into jail by the judge—even though it’s mentioned earlier in the story that Vaibhav, in particular, always gets off because the politicians and businessmen like him.

It’s just too easy. I never wonder if the cops are in danger (indeed, none of them seem to be except the nameless officer who was shot by the driver); nor do I wonder if they’ll solve the case. In fact, after the children and the nightclub worker freely admit to their deeds, I instead wondered when someone was going to lie or withhold information. None of the criminals wanted to hide something from the police once they were at the station getting questioned? None of them were more afraid of the drug lord than the cops?

And Ganesh himself—well, first of all, if I was him I would’ve been incredibly suspicious when a man who was not my driver unexpectedly showed up to pick me up at the airport, especially when he says he knows Vaibhav. I’d think Vaibhav had decided he’d squeezed everything he could out of our partnership and decided to kill me.

Think about how on cop shows the police sometimes have to go through several different people to come up with one small nugget of information, or how they often arrest the wrong person first. If you’d like a cop drama that takes place in India—in fact, in Mumbai, as I remember—try the Baby Ganesha Detective Agency books. (There are only two so far and I’ve only read one, but it was SO GOOD.) I know that’s a bit different, because a) it’s not a script but a novel and b) the detective in question is actually recently retired from the police force rather than an active member. But it does the cop-drama thing really well, plus it’s a fun read and well worth checking out.

And don’t forget that Shivran is new to this police force. Does he actually find it easy to work with everyone, or do some of them give him trouble because he’s an outsider?

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86 Reviews

Points: 10071
Reviews: 86

Wed Sep 14, 2016 2:06 pm
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reikann wrote a review...

To begin with, I am glad to see a script instead of a short or a poem. It's unusual and a welcome change of pace. Creative, even, which is why I opted to read this through.
Scripts suffer handicaps that prose does not. Characters in a script look weaker because all one gets are their words, as opposed to actions, for the most part. Settings are difficult to set up, bar a stage production, which even then has scant few words to guide the actors. Scripts are a third of a finished work, and they do suffer for it.
So let it be known that I understand that it genre itself has handicapped you, especially when compared to prose. However, that's a explanation, not an excuse.

Let's start with what I liked.
The plot here reads like a standard TV crime drama. It's competent enough. The sequence of events can be followed from one point to the next clearly, and as far as a TV crime drama goes, there aren't the ludicrous jumps in logic as one'd expect. The plot is clean, too - no fuss.
The spelling and grammar are also competent and nothing sticks out as bad. I feel like someone checked this to make sure the technical linguistic aspects were in order, and it shows.
Finally, as mentioned above, I like the format, too; scripts. This reads like an actual script, with the minimal dialogue tags and cursory place markers. (That is one of the challenges scripts on their own face, as mentioned above, but this piece works fine with just that.)

Okay, now, my issues with this.
The ending, as it stands on its own, is weak. The plot has been resolved, yes, but that's all. It feels abrupt and not satisfying.
Really, though, my biggest problem with this is the characters.
TV crime dramas not based in reality work because the reader/watcher is invested in the characters. Simply put, I'm not here.
The characters - or perhaps I should say 'character'; the only one who feels like any more than a stock bit part is Sharvin - are weak and the moments where they're allowed to really show personality with lines that don't feel lifted from another archetype are either immediately overpowered by the plot or smash the reader over the head with preachiness.
For example, let's take the biggest character moment here: where Sharvin talks about his grandfather and smoking in order to convince the kid he's talking to not break the law again/comfort him. Is is four, five paragraphs long. Grandfather appears in three lines. Three standard-issue after-school-special lines.
Sharvin is telling a story that should be emotional and personal in an attempt to comfort a distraught child, but instead, it sounds like a school lecture on peer pressure.

I understand that this came off as harsh, and, in truth, it was intended to.
There is a plot here that moves along at a brisk pace, the spelling and grammar at least went through a spellchecker, and the format is unique.
But as a reader, looking at this, I find this a weak, preachy story that doesn't know why the general audience enjoys this genre in the first place.

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Points: 39
Reviews: 3

Sat Sep 03, 2016 5:14 pm
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ThatGoodOlBoy93 says...

An interesting style, it reminded me of a movie format.

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Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Fri Aug 19, 2016 5:44 am
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Aldrin says...

Good work

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Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Fri Aug 19, 2016 5:42 am
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gracy123 says...

I like your writing style.It gets you glued to it..:-)

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