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My empire

by Arashmaleki

Corruption seems so far away 

but it’s in the bones of what you make

It’s best to leave it behind 

although you may love it blind

It crumbles brick by brick to the ground 

as it leave’s it’s emptiness behind

People terrified escaped to holes 

as if god was upon their souls

They looked at me in confusion 

like I was just an illusion

But the truth will always remain in my mind 

I was the catalyst that kept it alive

As I faded from the empire that I built 

the corruption, inside me, I didn’t felt

When I reached far enough and saw

it was just dust, above it all

So I sat down and carved into the ground 

the secret that I had found

I may create, I may let it be

But my empire falls when I walk away

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User avatar
16 Reviews

Points: 366
Reviews: 16

Sun May 31, 2015 9:53 pm
faunafaun wrote a review...

Yowzah. I love this. This is so nice and breathy. There's only one thing: "...I didn't felt." I'm not sure what you meant by this. I was curious as to what you meant, or if you spelled something wrong. This is the only problem that I could find. Other than this, It's great! I love your work!

User avatar
65 Reviews

Points: 4392
Reviews: 65

Sun May 31, 2015 2:26 am
EccentricRose wrote a review...

Dear Arashmaleki,

EccentricRose here for a review!

This was very beautifully written and the rhyming words were very creative. The title was good; it made me want to read the rest of the poem!

This was a favorite part of mine:

They looked at me in confusion

like I was just an illusion

Everything seemed to flow quite nicely except when I read this part.

As I faded from the empire that I built

the corruption, inside me, I didn’t felt

I think it might have been the word, "felt" that through it off.

Other than that little thing, everything else was great! Keep up the good work. :)


User avatar
305 Reviews

Points: 831
Reviews: 305

Sat May 16, 2015 1:50 pm
speakerskat wrote a review...

Hey there and welcome to yws ! Kat here to review for you . I love reviewing such fresh new poems :)

Okay so one major fix here is the /'S they are really distracting and chop up your poem but o can see that you wanted to keep the rhyming lines togather, but that's not necessary . What would help is breaking your poem into groups of stanzas containing two likes so that instead of this
It'd all be like this

And it'd make it a lot easier for your readers and improve your flow . Also , some of your rhyming was a little forced like behind with behind and built and felt . Built and felt rhyme but the tense of felt doesn't make sense in your line . Try playing around with different words . Also try to avoid rhyming the same word as much as possible because then it's repetition and not rhyme . I liked how you didn't rhyme in the first stanza or the last stanza and kept that consistent and I think with a few edits your point would become very powerful and clear to the writer . Don't get discouraged this was a great poem and improving it will make you an even better poet :D . It was a nice read and I enjoyed the fact that it had an even deeper meaning and brought to reality how the writer truly felt about what thy had done . Very mysterious and painfully realistic ! Awesome job there .

Keep it up, hope this helped !

Random avatar
Arashmaleki says...

Awesome will do ! And thank you very much for your review

speakerskat says...

This looks great :)

User avatar
21 Reviews

Points: 1316
Reviews: 21

Sat May 16, 2015 10:23 am
Urba wrote a review...

Hiiya Arash...
At first I welcome you as you've joined this amazing site today!!!I hope you will enjoy hanging out with friends and wish you heaps of chocolates...And are from Iran?(My fav artist Iman Maleki is from Iran)

Um...politics here...
This poem was reeeaaally good for a beginning and of course better than a lot of poems here.
And you know a thing that your imagination rocks!!!
Why did you put the (/)s? It doesn't really makes sense. It even doesn't look like a poem...if you need any help you can frequently ask me...

but it’s in the bones of what you make

This was awesome. You surely have a good power (or talent, whatever you say) of using metaphors.
And I'd also quote this one:
like I was just an illusion

the corruption, inside me, I didn’t felt

There is a grammar
I really liked this nice poem of yours
Hope this helps...
keep writing


Random avatar
Arashmaleki says...

Hey, first thank you very much for the review, yes i am from Iran :D the fact that i used (/) has no reason i wrote this about two years ago and i didn't use a new line, but i wil change it , and you said it doesn't look like a poem ? Can you expand please , thank you very much :D

Urba says...

I meant to say that that the using of /s made it off from looking like a poem. Was not talking about the flow of the real poem...

If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.
— Noam Chomsky