Published November 12, 2008
Poison lingers in the air
It feeds on despair
Shadows of yesterday
Have found themselves in light of today
bittersweet agony
Waves of amber scream
Haunted whispers
Echo onto silent rivers
In a forest unknown
A lovers touch
Beckons to me
I live and breathe
Forever waking dreams...
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
Loved it! You're better than my sister (who I get her to do my poetry for English shh). I like your poems, please write more. :)
Lovely poem. Haven't seen anything like this in a while. I'ts nice to see something new. I didn't find anything wring with your grammar. You were descriptive, and I love that in a poem. You might want to rephase a few lines, but to me it looks fine this way too. Well, good luck, and please keep writing.
I am surprised. I thought this was a typical teenage-angst-ridden poem - and it is, of sorts. But you've managed to do something I haven't seen in a while; you have wrapped the poem in layers of what I believe to be hidden metaphor and subtle unity among the themes that gives it much more meaning. Let's see if I'm correct.
These personifications are simplistic. A monstrosity in the atmosphere feeding on our souls? Shadows being exposed to light of the future? This could be made good but as of now, the idea is chained by poor presentation. I suggest reworking your literary devices to fit into a mold of your own that can link to the rest of the poem instead of using cookie-cutter elements in your personifications.
I must commend you on making the theme of this poem on broken love but not overcooking it like so many teenage poets do. This reminds me of Robert Frost almost, a little twist at the end that amplifies the whole poem to a new measure and forces the reader to look back on the entire thing with a different mind frame. Descriptions were well although I think the amber waves might be better off dripping off the whispers, or perhaps being part of them.