Published November 10, 2008
Planned on rescuing you
Whisking you away
To a place we could forever stay
Yet I hesitate
Watching you from shadows afar
Wanting you with all my heart
I ache and yearn
Just to hold you
Feel as if I can give you so much more
My love for you would never be in vain
Yet nothing will ever be the same
What can I do
What can I say
Make you understand why I feel this way
Still cant help but think
Youd be better of without me
I slip away undetected
In the shadows of the night into the twilight…
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141,471 Literary Works • 674,496 Reviews
Flames are very much appreciated! Thank you.
Hello Arashi! Sorry this critique is so late. I kept meaning to post it, but I kept on getting distracted, I guess.
Anyway, my brother, Griffinkeeper, and I did a video critique for you! First, we read the poem out loud. Then we commented on the poem. So you should get a good idea on how the poem sounds to us, and hopefully that will help you out.
http://revver.com/video/1308788/affilia ... -midnight/
I loved it! it's well built, shows feelings and thoughts but still has a story. Very nice!
Your poem is very good. It displays a definite storyline.