Published March 7, 2006
The sun shines now.
Inside it is so stormy.
When will there be peace?
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Recently I have been getting into haikus so I'm not very good at review them so please bare with me.
I felt like this was very bland and was void of emotion and any real message. I under stood the subject matter but felt like it wasn't delve into very deeply. All in all this was an okay poem. It could have used a little more emotion which would have made it much more interesting but it was enjoyable nevertheless. Good job and happy writing!
I feel like this is too bland, too plain...and PEOPLE: haiku does not mean just 5-7-5...that's the form it is in, but the haiku exists to comment on nature...there are other types of poems in the 5-7-5 form, such as the senryu which basically comments on some (usually humorous) aspect of human nature. There's more to haiku than 5-7-5, and it annoys me when people just feel like writing haikus as some technical form, which it isn't.
My Rant of the Day
-Brian
I'm not much of a haiku critique but I didn't really like this. Let's break it down:
How about "The Sun is Shin-ing"?
Get rid of the "So" it threw me off. What about changing it too "But In-side there is a storm"?
This line I think is a good ending. Haiku's are hard (Believe me I've tried) and you seem to have a good idea for one, just needs some tweaking. Keep at it!
Hmmm... not bad.
So... you begin by describing the sun. Sun shining = good thing. After all, it means warmth and light, and we, as humans, like this. So it brings an image of sunny yellow suns. The word "now" seems a bit out of place, but that could be because of the next line. I would get rid of the period and change it to a comma.
Then... the next line.
I think it might be better to have a "but" to begin it, because you want to show a contrasting picture. Yes, the sun is shining, but the inside is so cold, so mirthless, that the sun doesn't seem to be penetrating it. To give us this feeling, a "but" would be perfect. But you want to keep the haiku style! What should you do?
Usually, I would suggest to delete the word "so." But not in this case. In the line, it does a coulple of things, including adding a child's voice to the entire haiku (adults would probably skip the "so stormy" and just choose another word). I like the feeling of that. Instead of deleting "so" you'll probably want to combine "it is" into "it's." So...
The sun shines now.
But inside it's so stormy.
When will there be peace?
Now... back to the first line. You have to come up with another syllable, or else the haiku just doesn't seem right. You might want to change the whole line. "Sunshine floods the room." Well, or pick another noun. As "room" it might be an interesting metaphorical picture, but I'm not sure it's what you want.
Good luck!
straighten out the syllables in the first line. in fact, i think you need two new syllables, as "now" is usually added in demanding syllable poems such as this. that and other unnessasary words. it doesn't actually make it sound good - think of the other wonderful things you could do with those syllables.
"The sun shines now."
The = 1
sun = 1
shines = 1
now = 1
---------
total = 4
To be honest, I think giving you an extra syllable to play with in the first line will only allow you to make it stronger.
You got one! Work with it
Well, I tried to do the 5/7/5 sylable rule. Count the sylales if you want. If I am off, then the poem is in a haiku style.
Er.
Isn't a haiku normally 5/7/5 syllables or 2/3/2 in metrical feet?