Eyes

I like the subject matter. Like what it's about? Yeah, I thought that was really good.

I liked the first three lines. After that, I thought the rhyming got a little forced. And I don't really care for the last line, but that's just me.

Tweak it a little bit, and it'll be great. :thumb:

Hmmm...

First of all, the rhyming sounds a little forced. Sometimes this works, especially if you are dealing with an ironic poem that uses a child's voice to complain over a deeper part of life.

However, the subject doesn't seem to require it and it ends up being more forced than anything without any purpose.

You might want to expand a little bit on the imagery. Instead of focusing solely on rhyme, try to create an interesting image using words.

Otherwise, good luck.

This should definitely be in dramatic poetry, but while it's here I'll put my two cents in.

It's a great poem! I really like how you captured the emotion. It was strong, gripping, and tense. The only thing I had a problem with is how the rhyming went.

In the first line:
I see you staring at me.
I suggest adding another line to rhyme with this.

In the fourth line:
Turn away, look away, I beg you please!
I also suggest adding another line to rhyme with this. I really like the rhythm of this line, though. Da-da-da, da-da-da, DA-DA-DA! (Sorry if that was weird. That's the rhythm pattern I got, though.

If you add those two extra lines I suggested, the poem will have a consistent rhyming pattern. You don't have to heed my suggestions, because, in fact, the poem is very well done. You have some raw talent. Just maybe fine-tune the poem a little and it'll be even better!

Good luck!

Mary

I thought it was just a little rushed, but still great words and strong emotion

I'm not really one for rhyming because usually it's cheesy, but this is a definate exception. Good work.

Thanks! I am glad you like it Clover Madison

...I don't know.
It's not bad, but...something's wrong. Not sure what, but it just doesn't read quite right.
Don't know what it is...maybe sounds a little forced in parts. But it's not terrible, it just needs a lot of tweeking.

This is a very good poem. I like your word choices in the first three or so lines especially. Hard, cold and hold all work really well together and their sounds give the impression of something gripping. I also really like the ending of "beware, beware!" It reminded me of the poem Kubla Khan by Coleridge. (If you haven't read it do but don't try to make sense out of it.)

I also really like your avatar.

Your rhyming seemed a bit forced and rhythm was severly off meter. Your rhyming was random at first, then in pattern - and so it kept switching back and force. Also, this still lingered in the repetition area. Please - take something full to write instead of dragging out a split second far too small and empty.

Awesome poem. You've really captured the feeling. Good rhyming too.

I enjoyed reading it. I thought your sentences were a little short. It doesn't seemed to be really flowing, it's like you are rushing through it, but maybe that was what you were going for.

Close your eyes with their freezing stare.
For once, please act like you care.

Was my favorite part because that is how i feel all the time.

This should be in Dramatic Poetry.

See my critique on your other poem in Dramatic POetry.

Good poem. I really don't have any critiques.