Published May 8, 2006
I do not know why you became so distant,
for now it hurts to be reminiscent .
The bond that we share is no longer there.
I have stayed young, whilst you have grown old.
Your childish day-dreams have gone cold.
Like a melody your song has been sung.
But there still is a chance that things could change,
And for that I remain ever hopeful.
Though sadly your actions have grown more woeful.
Oh, please change and do it quick! For the clock of our lives continues to tick.
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The first six lines, it looked like you had worked out a rhyme scheme and you were using great lines, ect. ect.
then here, you drop the rhyming (or made a bad attempt at it, because hopeful and woeful hardly rhyme) and the lines were uneven and awkward.
This rhymed, but forced-like and it was congested on to one line. It turned around the entire poem, too, from woe to a distant relationship to almost begging them to come back. I don't believe you should have pursued this, but it was your own choice, so I can only protest.
So, basically, I think the beginning was great with an "A A B, C C D" rhyming pattern, even lines and relatively good poetic language. Near the end, though, I think it could use some tuning up.