Published April 25, 2006
O.k. I know i need to work on this some more, and I will add more as I go along.
A hush fell over the meadow,as the early mornings mists began to evaporate. The quiet was pierced by a hawks cry. The hawk watched as two cloaked figures appeared from the woods.
"Idiot hawk." a female voice whispered harshly.
Anothers voice, a females also hushed her."It matters not about the hawk Magena! We must reach the town within the hour.'' The hawk watched as the other woman grabbed the one called Magena. The hawk flew off in a panic when the woman's hand was reveled. Unlike most human hands, the nails were lions claws, covered in a blood-hued color. The hands could have belonged to an angel, were it not for the gruesome claws. The women entered the town just as the sun bells were ringing. They entered the magistrate's house. An hour latter they left, carrying a bundle. The clawed woman's claws were redder than before. As the baker placed out his first batch of the day, a maid from the magistrates house ran in pelmel terror down the main road. " The magistrate!,"she screamed,"He and his family are dead!"And with that, she fainted. The townspeople gathered around her. "It must be the Huldae!" terrified whispers echoed that cry. " Huldae,it must be the huldae." Mothers gathered their children close at the mention of the huldae. Later, when the constable examined the house, he found out an important fact. "The magistrates family isn't completely dead,"he announced, "one member is still missing."
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,415 Literary Works • 672,005 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: A pretty interesting start there. Quite an interesting premise there and it looks like we are seeing all of this from the perspective of a hawk? That's not something I've ever run into before if I remember correctly. The flow of the piece was a little haphazard in some areas but overall we get a general sense of what's going on here. And it is quite vague overall which works for the start of a story so that's also great.
Anyway let's get right to it,
This is a decent opening although it is immediately apparent that we are seeing things from the hawk's point of view. Might want to make that a little bit easier to tell at the start itself.
This part...like the reviewer before me pointed out is a little bunched together. All of those new speakers should be getting their own paragraph for it to be easier to read and also just be grammatically correct.
Besides that the whole transition to the reveal of this murder feels quite sudden and gives us a little bit of whiplash. It should probably be led into a little bit slower than this with some description added to make that happen.
Overall: So overall I like the behind this story. There is definitely a sense of mystery and that does a pretty good job of hooking potential readers too. It would definitely be something I would keep reading.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Fourteen Years Later-
"Get more wood Megarah! I swear, you get lazier with each day!" said Magena. Megarah, also called Meg, looked at Magena and sighed. "Well,?" Magena said crossly. Meg headed out the door of the cottage, and right into Quianna. "Watch it brat!" she hissed grabbing her shoulder with her red claws. " Where are you off to brat?" said Quianna with as much venom as a snake. " Relax Quin, I have to get wood for Magena." Quianna looked at Meg meanly. "Fine, but hurry up! You still need to cook the bread!" And with that, she shoved Meg off. Meg hurried into the woods. As she was picking up some wood, she grumbled to herself. " Why can't those freaks get the wood themselves? It's not like they don't have the time!" She hurried up to pick the wood. If she had enough time she could see Creek. But a few minutes later she heard Magena calling her. "Magarah! Get back here NOW!" Grubling to herself, she walked back to cottage.
Thanks! I will edit. And yes, the women are the huldae.
Wow, that is possibly the most helpful comment I have ever seen. I have nothing to add, aside from good start.
This might make a very effective prologue. I was drawn in by the beginning description. But you've got it all massed in one paragraph - even dialogue. It would be much more apt separated.
Here, I've italicized and added apostophes where needed for possessive. (You notice - female's voice, etc.) But try that all broken up
You see? Much more clear - and the introduction - by voice - of the two characters is now more defined, rather than running in to the description.
Typo - revealed.
I like the distance the POV of the hawk gives this bit...it's an interesting image at the very least. But it seems to be rushed. What do these women truly look like? Are they cloaked? Do they stumble - or are there more sounds than merely speech that they make? Does that hawk react to them as something bizarre, foreign...or is merely another traveller(s) passing by? You show it a little - the hawk wings away when the hands come out. Again though - with your description at the beginning, I can well imagine something more telling here.
--Possessive again. And for the remainder of the sentence...don't you think something stronger than ran for the maid? Perhaps she dashed - came flying down the main road. ^_^ Probably rather flustered.
No comma after the exclamation mark - make sure to space between quotations and the rest of the sentence as well. Again though - perhaps more precise description? Depending upon your intent - a prologue can be very brief, even bleak - but make the words you do use count.
Dramatic manner to introduce the 'Huldae' (whatever they may be - the women? or a rival country or town?). Again - you might tell a bit more - something to give more of an image than just the 'frightening hooligans' or 'monsters' that will make women draw their children near.
Though perhap used often enough, you've left it at a lovely cliffhanger - one which will likely keep readers interested in who and why and whatnot.
Here, with all the paragraph breaks, is what it ought to look like.
My most adamant suggestion would be your words. You have a good sense of the place; a good opening sentence there for the scene. Use the most apt word. When you say 'blood-red color' - it's not pointed, precise. This is something horrific, yes? Bloody-hued even flows with the sentence better.
But all in all, it did interest me. I liked the description and I'm curious about all the whys left open. ^_^
So - any question about the critique, feel free to PM me. But I'll be looking out for this continued.