Published March 7, 2006
Crashing, the world is distorted.
Smashing there is no calm.
I long to journey away from this mess.
Tell me, would that be wrong?
I hear it now, the thunder, the rain, as I close my tired eyes.
Pece will I find, no more surprise.
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I found it slightly bland, nothing struck out for me, and i think you missed a comma on the second paragraph.
The question seemed a little out of place, maybe if the poem was longer, it would probably fit.
But, good job.
I agree with Xanthan Gum. The ending did not flow at all, and the rest of the poem lost its effect because of this.
peace
Smashing, there is no calm
i didn't like the ending. in fact, it didn't even sound like an ending. the point was not strictly made, and there was nothing worth remembering about it. a good ending helps the poem and a bad ending hinders the entire structure.
Last line: "peace"
Your main mistake is that each line is a seperate sentence; because not only are they all different syllable lengths (and therefore your rhythm is off) but each one stops at the end, you get a choppy piece of writing that's more like prose. You've got an effective image (though I have to say: storms of the soul are a wee bit cliche) but this structure takes away everything that's poetic about it. Get the lengths more even; read it aloud to check it flows nicely - perhaps extend it a bit, move into the realm of what in particular this storm is about, where you would go, that sort of thing. Right now, there's not really much to it.
Oh, and I'd put a comma after "smashing".