The sun creeps back into hiding, disappearing behind the trees.
Seaweed sways below me, where the sacred water flows.
The steely white moon shines from behind the clouds
As I slip into the satin smooth water.
I swim down down down, causing not a single ripple,
And the loon watches with her black eyes
As the seaweeds swallows me into his soul.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you Jas! I made some changes. I am still not sure about the grammer, but I sent you a pm. Hopefully the new phrases work well.
A. S.
Hi,
your imagery is fabulous. I love "seaweed sways" and "seaweed swallows", and the sibilance works beautifully here. The last three lines are very powerful.
I'd add punctuation, but that's just personal preference. If you would like any tips on punctuation feel free to p.m me.
I'd change "silver moon" and "sun sets". These are common descriptions so they didn't conjure any images in my mind, and you're able to describe things so beautifully that I'd revisit these phrases and see if you can come up with something more fresh.
Hope this helps,
Jas