Happy Review Day, from the Green Lanterns! It's Winter here to give you a review, whether you like it or not. (Kidding, kidding.)
As I have not seen the previous version of this Prologue, please feel free to correct me if I make a technical error, or an error in general. I am still getting over "Review Frets," meaning I don't wish to offend or anger you and take extreme precautions not to do so.
At any rate, let's get started, shall we?
2 February 2165, Centarum Earth
The fact that this Prologue has a date here gives off an air of intrigue and suspense, however, the next chapters must elaborate on this Centarum Earth. (I find that name interesting, as well. It has a fascinating ring to it.)
Centarum Earth welcomed him with a dry, cold touch.
In this sentence, I added a comma between dry and cold as they are adjectives, describing the harsh conditions on Centarum Earth.
The eagle looked up at how the clouds changed. Rays from the sun pierced through the delicate fissures while the cirrus slashed and ruptured through the waves of falling debris.
He lowered his head, looking beyond the crimson clouds and the fading cumuli; dying in the setting sun as strands of remaining smoke plough through their bodies. Winds ebbed in the dry desert. The earthly realm was littered with the remnants of a great battle.
Wonderful use of vocabulary! Works with well-thought out prose, such as these examples here, give me a sense of delight. It's all-too rare in young writers, as we are often just beginning, so congratulations on such an expansive knowledge of the English language! However, I was thrown back a bit by the next paragraph, as I was led to believe that the "remnants" of that battle were material, and not, er, bodies.
The eagle’s attention turned to the increasing luminosity of blue from the clouds behind. Spacecrafts bearing the logos of Phiran nations darted ahead of him. Their hulls were of grey and scorched metal, armed with an array of energy weapons. He must search faster…
Again, an exquisite example of excellent exposition. (Joke intended.) Although, I have a qualm with the un-capitalization of "Phiran." They are a new race, of sorts, correct? Then, my gut feeling says that word should be capitalized.
An energy sword fell to the hard grills of a floor. Five soldiers emerged from the battle littered with dead bodies and blood stains. Live wires dangled from the metal skeletons of pillars while walls riddled with hundreds of bullet holes. Icy winds blew in from the mountains, reminding the men of the altitude: a communications tower with a platform 800 meters above ground. It had no walls at the edge, nothing but a straight plunge into the abyss below.
I put emphasis on the number, 800, as it should be in its written form.
“This is it?” The leader looked up at the pinnacle. His words were short on breath.
“Doom Horn’s just up there.” The navigator tapped a device on his head. “We have about an hour to destroy it before permanence.”
“Why not make it a celebration?” One of them tossed his shield aside, slinging his shock rifle. “Swords only!”
“Swords it shall be.” The leader gave a sign to advance. “Morbent, I need you to update me on your end of the field.”
I just found this out recently: dialogue tags need to be connected to the actual dialogue, unless they are separate sentences altogether. Sound confusing? It was to me, at least.
But here's the simple version: unless the dialogue tag includes action not connected to the dialogue itself, then use a comma as end punctuation to open the dialogue to the action and provide the needed flow. If the dialogue tag includes action separate from the dialogue itself, then a period is used as end punctuation, to close off the dialogue from the action.
With those new rules, some basic rules apply as well. When using commas as end punctuation, the next word (the beginning one in the action phase) should be lowercase. The opposite goes for use of the period.
In the case of the punctuation being an exclamation point or question mark, just use lowercase for continued dialogue tags, and uppercase for the discontinued ones. Confusing? Yes. But I got nailed for this once before, so I'm saving you the heartache now.
(I apologize if you already knew these things, and I just read the dialogue wrong. I do that often.)
The leader’s eyes narrowed. A tear rolled down. He looked up at the immense sphere that clouded much of the Horn’s glory.
A tear rolled down what, exactly? Give me some more of that great prose, please! Sometimes extra words are necessary to prevent a sentence from coming off as fragmented, or uncompleted.
Isolation, the eagle stood between a broken arch of stone in the middle of a thousand corpses.
Did you mean the word isolated?
All righty then, I suppose I'm through annoying you. (For now) I see you've uploaded some chapters of this interesting story, and since you've piqued my curiosity, I must go read them now.
However, I shall leave you with a few parting words...to annoy you further, but in the friendliest sense of the words, I assure you.
[color: green]"In brightest day, in blackest night,
No works shall escape our sight.
Let those who worship Black Plague's might
Beware our power--Green Lantern's light!"[/center]
Have a wonderful day full of reviews,
--Winter
Points: 390
Reviews: 2
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