z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The GES, Sands of Time, Chapter 1

by Aquila90


CHAPTER 1

FIRST TIME, LAST TIME

13 years later, 2178, Earth of Origin, New Singapore

The air is always warm in Singapore. Entering from the north by the straits, it carries a mixture of immigrating cultures and marvels of machinery.

Skyscrapers tower above the dense metropolis, reflecting the setting sun off the beams of metal and rolling highways on force shields. Citizens whom live in the sprites can see the shape of the nation’s configuration in the south: circular with spokes of concrete and stone stretching out into New Metropolis. Surprisingly New Metropolis contains randomly constructed buildings.

Walking from tower to tower was quick and easy with force shield and some permanent walkway installations. Cars however, form the main traffic in the air, lightening congestion off the ground.

So indeed the air is an embrace.

Yet the embrace did not last long for Isaac Eagle. For once, after this incident, he will forget the way his long hair floated in the wind as he ran in the fields of his suburban district.

He had grown to almost hate the haunting memories of his own playful youth, his curious nature.

Yet there was something about eagles that fascinated him. He never stopped chasing his father’s pet. Sometimes he would keep doing it for hours till he tires out.

But today was different.

Aeries stepped onto the field. Though she was happy to watch him play, she quickly stopped him in his tracks. She asked him about his day, about having fun. It was never like this.

Isaac’s parents watched intently from home nearby.

“This would be the last day Aeries and Isaac have playtime.” Gail turned to the couple. The mother glanced from the edge of her sharp eyes, irked in a certain way.

“Mr. and Mrs. Eagle,” a social worker sorted out the papers, “you therefore agree to have Isaac under the care of Mr. Gail A. Major?” The two concurred while the mother explained they had discussed it for weeks already.

“I just hope you guys know what you’re doing,” Gail sounded uncertain.

“Yes. It is for the best,” mother explained flatly.

“Of course! Head of the orphanage and a school principal,” father reaffirmed.

“Don’t worry, Mr. Major is more than capable in bringing up Isaac,” that did not move Gail one bit; instead he was staring out the window. The couple stood to see their four-year-old son running in the field.

“Gail,” mother went up to him, “take good care of my son.” She embraced him. “Remind him of us.” Her voice turned raspy.

“Don’t forget,” father patted his back. “Isaac’s life is now in your hands.” Just then, a shiny chain hung from his hands, the very first memories preserved; a watch of gold, a photo of Isaac’s family just over a month ago. “Keep this for him.”

The little boy had sat down, now with his elder brother. Wind blew passed the field as Isaac caught sight of the adults. His brother stood up, letting his figure dwarf the little child. His parents came, getting down to their knees, and for the last time, they embraced.

Gail and Aeries rushed across the field, eventually taking Isaac along. Mother cried, brother pulled her dress and let out his anguish. Father, what can you do now?

The boy screamed. He could no longer hear the cars’ horns in the congested airway. He could no longer feel the warming air. His mind narrowed to the sight of his family.

Goodbye…

Fires began raining from the skies. The first wave of meteors fell onto New Metropolis. Levitating vehicles crush and burn under the immensity of the bombardment. Towers and spires were drilled and shattered in a single breath.

People escaped to the spaceports, crowding the entire take-off zone. Isaac was the only child who got in to the cockpit because of Gail being the first pilot.

Clinging tightly onto Aeries, Isaac felt the tears in his eyes. He squirmed and buried his face into his caretaker.

Aeries fastened his seatbelt, holding him tightly and bracing for the possibility of death.

Gail got into the pilot’s seat quickly, “Morbent,” he addressed the co-pilot, “we’re set for takeoff!”

“Just let me check one thing,” Morbent turned around in his seat, “Isaac?” The little one cuddled close to Aeries, his eyes narrow. His lips and hands trembling.

Morbent frowned and forced a deep inhale. He adverted eye contact.

Acceleration. Isaac caught a glimpse out the window. His heart cringed with every passing moment, watching from behind his long fringe. The throng of humans gathered close to the boundaries and riot control officers. They shoved and heaved, attempting to gain access to what little space there was on the ships.

The underground shelters closed; many were left behind as the next wave rained down. Comets burned through the atmosphere, smashing the second terminal. Freestanding structures around the port fell to the rock and flames. Looking out of the window, Isaac glared down at his home one last time, watching as the world he once knew got smaller and smaller. Soon it vanished into oblivion.

A wormhole opened, taking the ship into the endless sea of stars. Yet, an escape into infinity could not save the child from the mental hell that came…

Shouts rang across the cabins. Gail was astounded by the geography of relative space; a massive magnetic storm loomed ahead, yet the ships pushed on, riding through the endless gas clouds. Shockwaves tore at the fuselage, lightning discharged across the shields, destroying several ships in the cluster.

Isaac’s eyes froze, watching as another ship disintegrated into stardust…

Aeries kept her arms around the boy, pulling him tight as the tremors intensified. The young boy shut his eyes, holding onto the last source of hope before all light ceased…

The sound of struggles vanished into a mere echo. The universe watched in silence as time took a new course.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
189 Reviews


Points: 398
Reviews: 189

Donate
Sun Aug 25, 2013 4:32 am
manisha wrote a review...



Hi Aquila!
Happy Review Day to you!
manisha here to review!

I like the way you started this. You try to give us an image of the place the story is being set in.

What is Earth of Origin? In the prologue you mentioned something called Centarum Earth. You want the reader to understand about the world you have named so I would suggest something about these labels be mentioned in the story. You have the answers in your head so you might not find it necessary to write about that, but remember the readers are reading it for the first time so they do not know everything.

Walking from tower to tower was quick and easy with force shield and some permanent walkway installations. Cars however, form the main traffic in the air, lightening congestion off the ground.
We get a picture of the kind of advancement in technology the world currently houses in the year you have specified.

So indeed the air is an embrace.
I loved this sentence! Excellent quote!

“This would be the last day Aeries and Isaac have playtime.
At first I though Aeries was a friend about the same age as Isaac. I'm guessing she is a caretaker? It would be nice to know something of her age.

Mother cried, brother pulled her dress and let out his anguish. Father, what can you do now?
You shift from second person to first person here.
It should be-
Father, what can he do now?

It is a sad picture when you see that many aren't given assess into the spaceship. I am reminded of the movie 2012..

You have very good language and description!
Overall, I really enjoyed it!
KEep writing!

-manisha




User avatar
332 Reviews


Points: 10657
Reviews: 332

Donate
Sun Aug 25, 2013 3:16 am
Blackwood wrote a review...



Hey there, the Black Plague has hit you. I am just going to go through step by step with this review and hopefully I can give you a few pointers.

Firstly, I read the whole thing without stopping to think about the review and from an overall perspective I feel like you move a bit quickly.
Basically you are in an all seeing perspective, suddenly to a perspective of a child, then to an apocalypse type scene.
I would put your introduction about Singapore and metropolis as a prologue, a very short and brief one, describing the setting, then dive straight into the child bit for chapter one. I am very confused about whose point of view this is written from but I think that your entire chapter one should augment the child part, make it longer and elaborate, dive into the character so the reader knows exactly who we are dealing with here. Don't even start the Apocalypse part in chapter one, because to be honest, it just confused me. Finish chapter one with a cliffhanger that will compel the reader to go on, such as the child screaming from the car, or perhaps hint at the apocalypse.

Chapter two would be a good place to put the next action bit, I feel like you really need to take your time here, establish who exactly the people are. I read all the names and the speech and I was quite confused at who was who, so just step back a bit and try to establish that.

Now for some specifics of writing.

Surprisingly New Metropolis contains randomly constructed buildings.

I think this line could be written better, it is a sudden stopped sentence that seems out of place and unnecessary in context.

Ok next please check your tenses. I have an example here:
#4000BF ">Walking from tower to tower was quick and easy with force shield and some permanent walkway installations. #FF0000 ">Cars however, form the main traffic in the air, lightening congestion off the ground.

So indeed the air is an embrace.


#4000BF ">Yet the embrace did not last long for Isaac Eagle.#008000 "> For once, after this incident, he will forget the way his long hair floated in the wind as he ran in the fields of his suburban district.

Ok I colour coded here. First in purple you are in past tense. Which your whole story is mainly written in, so I suggest you stick to past tense.
Suddenly you change to present tense (red).
Finally you do something extra strange and go into future tense (green)
You need to make sure everything is in past tense.

There was a lot of content examples that I saw on my first reading but now I cant find them so I will leave the review at this, but think about what I said about slowing down. The sudden change from orphanage to meteor shower is a bit drastic.




User avatar
394 Reviews


Points: 16710
Reviews: 394

Donate
Fri Aug 23, 2013 9:00 pm
KnightTeen wrote a review...



CHAPTER 1

FIRST TIME, LAST TIME

13 years later, 2178, Earth of Origin, New Singapore


First off, you don't have to include the "Chapter One" thing/doohickey, since it's included in the title of the work. Secondly, the last time you had the date at the top of the work, it included the month and the day as well as the year and location. Are we to assume from this that the date is exactly thirteen years after the prologue?

.......into New Metropolis. Surprisingly New Metropolis contains randomly constructed buildings.


Superman reference?

Walking from tower to tower was quick and easy with force shield and some permanent walkway installations. Cars however, form the main traffic in the air, lightening congestion off the ground.


I'm liking the technology in this place. Its really cool.


Aeries stepped onto the field.


Is the name a play on the Greek god? Some sort of feminized version? I think it's cool.




Fires began raining from the skies. The first wave of meteors fell onto New Metropolis. Levitating vehicles crush and burn under the immensity of the bombardment. Towers and spires were drilled and shattered in a single breath.

People escaped to the spaceports, crowding the entire take-off zone. Isaac was the only child who got in to the cockpit because of Gail being the first pilot.

Clinging tightly onto Aeries, Isaac felt the tears in his eyes. He squirmed and buried his face into his caretaker.

Aeries fastened his seatbelt, holding him tightly and bracing for the possibility of death.


This paragraph reads a lot like when the planet Krypton blew up. That, combined with the parents giving him away, and the high technology, and the fact that Isaac was, "the only child who got into a cockpit," gives this story a strong Supermanish feeling.

So far, that's not a bad thing, but that's something that you might want to keep an eye on as you continue to write this. I'd hate for you to get pulled for breaking copyright.

Aeries kept her arms around the boy, pulling him tight as the tremors intensified. The young boy shut his eyes, holding onto the last source of hope before all light ceased…


Is she older then him? Like a nanny? Or is she a playmate? I can't really tell.

I thought that this was pretty good. Your language was excellent, and your grammar as well. Just keep an eye on Supermanish feelings. I don't want to get them to often.

Peace,
HT




Aquila90 says...


Hi HT!

I'm glad you pointed out some issues like the time and location heading, because I assumed readers would just see it as insignificant to know every small detail. But it's a good point to make.

Also I totally did not see the superman reference till you pointed it out! You're right it does bring to mind the similar images, only that Isaac was not alone and superman was. Haha honestly I wrote this before I even watched superman, and superman was a good movie.

Thanks for your points HT!





No problem.




Stop being mean to your self-insert character, you're just being mean to yourself.
— WeepingWisteria