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by Apricity

AN: the poem is uncapitalised as a stylistic choice. 

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398 Reviews

Points: 179
Reviews: 398

Thu Sep 29, 2022 5:50 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...

Hello! I’ve come to review your poem. First thing I want to say is WOW. I love how it feels like the girl is lost and trying to find her place. Hence, letting the light in, ”Swallowing the sun”.

But what is her pain? Why is she taking this great leap in life? I have no idea what her motives are. Are they up for us, the readers, to decide?

Other than that, I find this to be a VERY underrated poem. Great job! I wish you a wonderful day/night.

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263 Reviews

Points: 9716
Reviews: 263

Sun Sep 18, 2022 10:43 am
Caerulean says...

Just a tiny side comment, though I'm not sure if anyone will agree: Maybe have the text itself which can be copy-pasted in a separate section below the poem proper for easier reviewing (comments, quotes, finding text). Probably not necessary 'cause poems are mostly short 😅, and I know formatting and whatnot can take unnecessary amounts of extra time.

Nice poem~ :3 And it's relatable; I remember writing a similar one ages ago. 😆

Apricity says...

Ah, it's a fair comment but as you say, poems are short enough that it's not really a problem for reviewers to type out a line or two whilst reviewing. There's little point in me writing a whole poem out for convenience when it's barely an inconvenience to jist type out a line or two.

I also dislike how poems look on YWS, so I prefer to upload it in a format that feels more me.

Caerulean says...

I totally get it. :3

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1133 Reviews

Points: 136109
Reviews: 1133

Sat Sep 17, 2022 4:42 pm
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lliyah says...

Apricity I miss your poetry <3 please keep writing! :]

Just a short comment here for the comment bonanza

I really love the metaphor of the "radio static" as a metaphor for loosing your voice/words - it's very creative but makes total sense, and each of the images you use are just so beautifully described and laced together. It's hard to make the topic of "writer's block" seem new, but you certainly succeed and paint some beautiful pictures and emotions while doing so. If I was writing this I'd probably accidentally go on for 5 paragraphs about the sun; but your brevity of each of the descriptions make this even more impactful, I finish the poem and wish I could read more. Also like the repetition of "the moon / on a sunless plane" at the end there - leaves this longing / lost feeling.

Apricity says...

<3 I felt so rusty writing this poem so it's super encouraging to hear such nice feedback about it. Thank you so much lliyah! Honestly I think I would have liked to wrote a bit more too, but anything felt forced (less so from a stanza construction pov, just more of a writer's block pov haha). Very meta I know.

Thank you so much again, it means a lot to me! <3

lliyah says...

<3 You're very welcome !!

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Points: 149
Reviews: 4

Sat Sep 17, 2022 8:23 am
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inprisonforsparkling wrote a review...

Wow, this is really good! I kind of see it as writer's block, and it's a really interesting way of describing it.
I honestly can't think of any criticisms at the moment (though that might be since I don't specialize in poetry, ahaha).
I absolutely love the "frequency of my voice" section, it's so descriptive and lovely! And I love how it loops, with "sunless plane", it's so good. Also "a susurrus of indecipherable static in the air" is such a fun sentence to say.
Anyway yeah!! this was awesome, keep up the good work :D

First you broke my moustache, now you break my heart.
— MaybeAndrew