Young Writers Society

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review as promised!

So I meant to get here sooner, though I kept forgetting that you wanted me to review this, but I'm here now! I have to admit that this one isn't the most impressive to me out of your collection of poetry and LMS poetry, though it's something. The imagery is still on-par with the rest of what you've written and it's usually never a problem with you, so that's not why I'm only partial to this poem. I agree with Fort in that this drags out too long (I originally wrote that as 'dragons out too long', oops) since it's quite lengthy. This is a problem that I find with both you and Pomp.

Actually, you two write in a quite similar style so most of the issues that I find consistently with her poetry (the structure lacking a shape or form, cohesiveness problems, length) I find in yours too. Same with the positive aspects such as the imagery and the emotional weight you both bring to the table. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy this poem, though, and this one does have more of a form than usual due to the usage of the definition being continued throughout the piece, even if this is a little overdone in poetry.

What I would have liked more of here or what I liked best is the first four stanzas. The last two, at least how I view them, are different in tone than the first four. This is mainly because numbers 1-4 are all in the same atmosphere though the others feel different in their imagery in a way. The word choice is excellent as always though you need to work on minimalism more and choosing words more carefully rather than spilling emotions out as you usually do, though I know it'll be a harder habit to break for you in your poetry. Again, the tone and atmosphere of fear is great here though work on the aspects aforementioned that might need some practice to them.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hello!

This was really beautiful, and honestly, it's perfect the way it is.
I'm going to be reviewing this on how I personally would rather have read it though. I might not be the audience you were aiming for, however, so feel free to disregard my opinions.

Personally, I thought this was too long, and simultaneously too vague and specific.

This wouldn't be too long if I sought it out to read for pleasure, I'm sure. But if I just stumbled across it, or someone showed it to me without me being in the right mood to read this length of poetry, my eyes would gloss over before I even read the title. It's sad and unfair, but true. When I someone suggested me to review this poem, I went "ugh. That's a lot of non-c/p-able words." I won't lie: I skimmed a lot of it. I didn't feel like I had time to reflect on every word and nuance and tie it back to the central theme. Because of this, and because of your heavy use of the word "it" I felt like I didn't know what I was reading about, even though I know it's all about fear.
However, the words didn't seem to be about fear to me. In fact, most of the imagery I caught as I read through was very peaceful and pleasant. This ties in with the vague and specific thing. I don't think second person works well in this poem. Because you're saying all these things that fear supposedly did to me, but none of them ring true. I've never tried to define fear, or wondered why sodium chloride has a lattice structure or whatever.
The whole sodium thing is the best example for being too specific. I have absolutely no idea what that has anything to do with fear. In its specificity, the poem is somehow vague. I don't grasp the subject because I'm too inundated with other information, and too... not-you to understand your connections to the subject.
So I'm filled with this vague specificity for a long, long time, and it just sort of feels like pretty words to me. I bet if I took the time to actually read every line and connect it to fear and imagine what that line has to do with fear, I'd get a lot out of it. And that's what people who read poetry should do, and what I normally do, but this is too much work. There's so much analysis and imagining that needs to happen here, and I hate to say it, but I just don't have time for that (My mom LITERALLY just yelled at me to set the table so I gotta go)
I hope this makes any sense at all to you.
I still think it's really pretty.
Keep writing!
~fortis

hey Apricity, a review if it helps

If I were to try and pin things down, I'd probably start with the things you do here that leap out, the way you not only traffic in words but look for moments to insert that surprising, unexpected image between words and phrases. In a way, it's the fact that you're creating a continuous sequence of transforming, restless images, flowing one into the next, not quite allowing the reader to settle on what it is you're defining or delineating (in that sense, I guess, the "it" you're seeking to anatomise or hold in place itself becomes a constantly shifting creature, one that cannot be confronted because it refuses to steady itself, to possess a single knowable origin or destination). I think that's what strikes me most as I read it, the blurring of language and meaning, the way it tugs at the reader emotionally, pulling us forwards and deeper.

And words. Perhaps here, as elsewhere, they engage in that tender balancing act of performance, expression and overshadowing. It's partly adjectival choices that stand out here at times, but mainly words that allude to something more specific, a deeper meaning (the way in which there are things at play both suggesting and withholding revelation, texts beyond this text). Like "a chiral shadow chiselling itself into the expanse of your lungs" - it's a similar thing to the "diaphanous folds" (hmm...) earlier. They're words that introduce a whole or suggest a new series of images, new and partly-tapped metaphors. Not that I can offer a simple answer, only suggestions and choices; if the word is true to your meaning, keep it, and consider the possibility that there may be more to add, especially given this is more a prose poem. Trimming is a thing too, because sometimes it's more impressive not to impress.

And. May your narrator's unknown epilogue be less an epilogue than a coda, a chance for a sequel begun on a clean page, in the absence of fear.

Hi there Apricity, I'm here to leave a few thoughts on your lovely poem!

Word Choice
Your word choice is beautiful throughout, from that very first line. "fear is the august wind fraying at the edges". I like that your descriptions are active - fear isn't just a noun but the way you describe it, it becomes a verb and it moves and acts in the world. Really nice.

In a few places your language was so elevated ( diaphanous, acerbic, larynx, chiral) that I had to google the words to be sure I was understanding their meaning correctly, although I think you also placed them within contexts that gave enough clues to readers that might not know their meaning to be able to dissect it, so I wouldn't say it detracted from the piece.

I found the bookends of this piece (the very first paragraph/stanza and the last one) to be particularly intriguing. The phrasing is elegantly crafted and thought provoking... in other words, this isn't just empty descriptive nonsense, there is some really deep ideas being expressed here, that I'd love to understand and unpack more. It feels like the sort of piece that you could certainly re-read over and over again and keep picking out more to ponder on.

Form
I really enjoyed this definition format, especially because you did something with in. Like I said before, you didn't just insert phrases that might describe fear but you started to make a bigger picture and a story. You used the conventions of a definition, but then broke them in a way that illustrated your "definitions" that you were building.

For me, I don't think that the part where you elongate the text and use white space to write, "falls apart again like so" is really necessary. It's interesting and artsy, but I didn't think that was really the climax of the piece and it sort of caused an unnatural interruption to the flow of the poem. I think if you had used white space in a similar place in another part of the poem this might have been more effective because it wouldn't have been such a surprise.

I also didn't think the phrases separated with bullets or dashes added much. I liked the word content there, but I didn't understand what the need for the dashes was. Maybe it was drawing a parallel to the content writing about being "detached"? I think it would make more sense without the dashes, even if it's in a separate point or stanza -- although that's just really my personal opinion, and you may have had some more reasoning behind it that I'm just not picking up on.

Grammar & Spelling

In part 2, "unoticed" should be "unnoticed". I think you may also be missing the "r" in the pronunciation part in line 2. This is super nit-picky, but in part 5, I think you missed a space between "5." and "many". In part 5 I also think rather than "remenats" you may have meant "remnants".

I think the choice to use some unconventional grammar choices (not capitalizing the first word after the number, having run-on sentences, adding dashes in part 5 didn't detract from the poem, but I'm not sure that some of those added much. For instance, I think the lack of capitalization after the number made the piece look more artsy, but because you had capital letters in other conventional places it felt a little inconsistent and didn't really feel like it gave much of an effect as far as meaning.

Overall Impressions
Overall, this is a really enjoyable piece to read, it's layered and complicated and original. I think it gives an interesting explanation of fear that is unconventional there's a lot about trying and being close to something and being lost or near the unknown. There's a lot to fear in the world. For me this piece sort of circles around these issues without necessarily sticking to one or building upon one specific idea of fear -- and I think that's okay even if it feels a bit disjointed, because that's the nature of fear (and of definitions) -- one person's definition might be different than another's, they can build upon each other etc.

Thank you for sharing your poem and please let me know if you have any questions about my review!

Best,

~alliyah

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