you came home to us again after three summers
your cloak was a patchwork of foreign
craters; swathed in geysers of light
‘it’ll keep us safe,’ you say with conviction but your eyes are cloudy
and hands tapping out a distant song your heart plays (and I knew because
I taught you how to play the blues)
the fingerprints
of your presence linger when the two o’clock sun strikes the floor
and stir up
particles waltzing the start of the doorframe to the past;
a museum, a
prized recollection of footsteps at midnight and soft sneezes
whilst the
night sings its lullaby in the soundless pass of a Kleenex tissue
and a smile
filled with tired love
you were
always a restless sleeper, your breath ebbing and falling like rocky ocean
floors
and I was
the boat that sailed on your seas and I didn’t
mind at all
because at
night you were a seacove filled with stars waiting to be plucked and I
was the one
who used them for my bed
but when
morning comes and the light sheds away your disguise
you know we’ll
be strangers again, our words linger between the intake of breathes and the
hesitance of a smile
afterall,
it’s not your kiss that mars the doorframe to the house but a fleeting
afterimage you constructed in haste
when you
left three summers ago,
promising to return
when you find us a home on the horizon of skies
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
This is my first review on here, so please bear with me and feel free not to take any of my advice, this is just my first impressions from reading it and probably don't make any sense.
First of all, this is so lovely. It feels really gentle and it has a nice flow to it, more like a story or a train of thoughts than something that is structured. My favourite line are the two that start with 'you were always a restless sleeper'. I love the images and scenes it creates, it feels very relaxing and soft.
The only things that bothered me a bit were little picky things, like the fact that you capitalised all your 'Is' and nothing else, which looked a bit strange to me. I prefer not to capitalise any of it, but that's completely up to you and maybe you have a proper reason for it. You also capitalised 'Kleenex' which looked a little weird, and you put 'after all' as one word. I know that these things are tiny and stupid, but they just stood out to me a little bit.
Apart from that, I really liked it. I'm sorry I couldn't give you more helpful feedback, I'm still working on this whole criticism thing. Have a nice day!
This was beautiful! I loved the imagery in this poem, it's one of the things I really look for in poems. It created this wonderful, deep image that was also sad, that I think people could relate to in their own, strange, isolated ways. It really stood out to me and pulled me in, no doubt it's my favorite element in the poem.
I did spot what I believe to be one spelling mistake, in the fourth line of the first stanza. I believe you meant to write "tapping", not "taping", but I'm not sure. That's the only thing I noticed though, so good job.
Anyways, I enjoyed this poem immensely, it was beautiful.
Thanks for the review c:, I fixed the typo.