I carried a handful of ash to your doorstep, scattered them upon the cherry-wood steps and bowed three times
You said, ashes get blown away by the coo-ey autumn wind
I took you to the hills and showed you the rows and rows of bowing aspens
Leaves shaped in your favourite organ, pumped with autumn’s blood
That coincided with the colour of your hair
But you said that aspens fell at winter’s footstep
So I took you to the courtyard where grave marble angels carve their holy scriptures -
Ficus macrophylla, Ficus hillii, Tristaniopsis laurina et Ulmus parvifolia
And our lips were a bible skewed with snakeroot and upturn thorns
to sin(g) for hemlock, wolfsbane and lastly, yew.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
128,174 Literary Works • 671,488 Reviews
Hi Flite! Niteowl here to review for Team Stitch this fine review day!
Okay, I apologize, but a lot of this is going to be nit-picky. I like the overall idea, and how you managed to make an interesting story out of all the names. I did this challenge, but I mostly just described various shades of blue and didn't link them together that well.
On to the review:
In the first line, the first thing that jumps out at me is the tense-switching. It looks like most of the poem is in past tense, so I would keep it consistent. I also think "cheery-wood" should be "cherry-wood" unless I'm missing something here.
I love the imagery in the first line, but I think the second line is a little awkward. I think it would work if you replaced "were" with a stronger verb, like "that matched...".
This might be a personal-preference thing, but I think "will" is unnecessary and "aspens fall at..." flows better.
Like this image, but I think you could cut some of the adjectives. Maybe "where grave angels carved their scriptures", for example. I'd also keep this in past tense.
"upturn" should be "upturned".
I really like the ending. Though I think you're cheating a bit here...hemlock and wolfsbane aren't trees.
Overall, I really like this, just a few small suggestions. Great job and keep writing!
xD, I did cheat I'll admit. But I needed poisonous plants for the last line so
oh well. Thank you so much for taking your time to read and review this, I'm gonna make the corrections you suggested now.Fantasydragon01 here for review time!
I like your idea. The whole thing about trees and autumn, that is very creative. I like the season very much. I liked the Latin in it. That is very cool.
However, yes this big, fat 'however', the rhythm was very off. Try reciting this poem to yourself or to your family. See if it flows. Certain words can have the same rhythm and beat to it. Find some.
I do not know if this poem was meant to rhyme. It also was not smooth. Try shortening the sentences. This would create a better flow.
Take this as an example:
"The Prince stopped and beheld the fair Princess"
You could say:
"He stopped and beheld the Princess fair".
In poetry, writers often use this type of thing. In writing poetry it is perfectly fine. But we would not say this in everyday talk. Like I would not say:
"Sunny is the day. I saw some clouds fluffy."
Or:
"In the house was my brother strong."
On another note, I also want you to ask yourself: "Does this poem have a meaning? What is it supposed to say?" I can kind of get the idea of the story, but maybe you should go deeper into the poem and explain( not in a long-winded way. Do not give the entire explanation!) what this poem means.
Perhaps you should try to go deep in your brain and find out about the meaning of your poem. Maybe you can turn this into an epic or a story. It is just a suggestion. I want you to never give up. Poetry is not an easy thing to write. Trust me, I have experienced it.
I also found some grammatical errors. In the first sentence, 'scatter' and 'bow' should be 'scattered' and 'bowed'. This is very important. You must watch out for these things.
Also, what does 'coo-ey' mean?
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I would be more than happy to answer.
Great job!
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01.
Hello, Flite! If I remember correctly, you are an outstanding writer, and I am very honored to be able to review you for review day!
Since I can't find any mistakes, I hope you don't mind me explaining my thinking and asking some questions (which you don't have to respond to, if you don't wish to. They can be left as reflection questions).
This is a very beautifully crafted poem, and definitely has a different type of style to it than any other poem I have read. I really like the fact it's unique, and you did an exceptionally well job portraying images in my head.
When I first read this, a thought crossed my head. I started thinking that this is a boy showing a girl some trees. However, he had no idea what the trees were called or anything about them until the girl would bring it up, such as "aspens will fall at winter's footstep."
I also thought it was kind of weird you said sin(g). If you have time to explain that, I would love to know the details of why there are parenthesis around the g.
I loved this poem, especially the line about leaves being compared to that of a heart. Great job, and continue writing!
~Prez. T