Star Wars fanfic in the Clone Wars. My character is made up, along witht the planet. The more reviews I get, the more I'll post.
I got up from my seat, and left the ship. Hopefully, Commander Darin would be able to find a viable mechanic. I paced on the landing platform, but stopped myself. I took a deep breath, and immediatly sat, and began levitation meditation. I remembered it from my time as Luminara Unduli's apprentice.
Interestingly enough, she was currently in the Jedi cruiser Tranquility, in orbit above. We were in a remote system in the Tingel arm. We were to investigate a possible secondary source of bacta. So far, we hadn't even left the space port. Suddenly, the holoproj on my arm beeped twice. Luminara.
My former master appeared in a flickering blue image.
"Narin, we have permission to forgo protocal." She said.
"Master, thank you." I replied.
"May the Force be with you." she said.
"The same." I said, ending the transmission.
I reached to another button, and signaled the small group of clones with me. They were there only to escort me to the residence of the Prime Minister of this city. They would stay in the small Republic Embassy.
I stood among them, and revealed to them at last our route. We suspected the involvement of the Sith, or at least one of their minions. Bacta, though, was enough to warrent a Sith Lord to any sane man.
Bacta, that miracle, could only be grown on a small number of worlds. To put it in perspective, if the galaxy was a body, the size of a pinky nail would be it. But that was only the estimated number. The known amount was much less.
After a fairly uneventful voyage, we arrived at the gates of the Prime Seat. I waved the clones away, and sat in meditatin pose. After ten minutes, the gate opened for a small man.
"It seems that Jedi are like our humble records say. Patience like durasteel."
This dimunutive man took me to the main house.
"Master Jedi, right inside."
I stepped into the small waiting room. And collapsed as I felt the immense tear in the Force.
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139,494 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
Cliffhanger! I'm interested, and wanna hear more. I am glad to see that when your characters conversed, you put it in correct paragraph form. When people don't do that it drives me nuts. Overall, you did a great job. You could have used a little more description when talking about your characters though. Describe how they look, (eyes, hair, clothing, weapon). I found out something when writing (and this sounds funny commenting on a Star Wars story): Concentrate on the moment. I'm not kidding. You know the felling of excitement when you can't wait to get something down? Don't rush it, try to cover anything interesting that's going on in that scene before moving on. It helps...a lot.
What he said.
Also, since there are so many races in Star Wars,
perhaps you should include a short list.
Catching, but lacks descriptions, both of characters and places. You write well, i'd spend a little time maybe writing about the senery on the planets and in the ships, and especially on developing character. I know it's the auderious part- character development is my biggest hardship and it's not nearly as exciting at the action scenes, but it will help the story tenfold. I like star wars, though, and I'm curous to see what happens next. Didn't notice any errors,which is good.
I liked the bacta-fingernail comparision. You have a good start- keep posting!
Good Luck!
Hi Apollo
I like it and I think its good. I can't see anything wrong with it so I have no nit-picks. I like the character and I want to know what caused the immense tear in the Force.
Can you pm me please when you post more?
midnightread