you and me vs. us

Hey Anyale, I guess you're still kinda' new to YWS so I'll welcome you at the same time

I think you may have posted this in the wrong section and you might have been looking for the poetry section? Am I correct? Because when I read this I don't get the impression it's meant to be a song but maybe that's just me. I find the problem main problem is the structure. If this is really meant to be a song, I'd advise you take a look at this thread.

It would help you to learn how to structure your lyrics in oreder to make it look more like a song than like a poem.

...the most important element of a song: the chorus. It's what makes people remember your song because it is repeated at least twice throughout. You can decide to have it after each verse or after two verses -- these are the two major forms of song structure you'll find nowadays.

But you will find that there are some forms of songs that have a few lines bewteen a verse and the chorus. This is called a bridge and can be compared to the "rising action" you find in prose; however you can choose not to have a bridge -- that works too but including it, I believe, really makes the chorus stand out.

Make your chorus catchy, but not too complex. You can choose to rhyme and you may choose not to.

I find this is the most relatable piece of information you can get from that thread. However, if this is not meant to be lyrics, you could nicely ask a mod to move it to the "poetry" section. Otherwise, I will review it as a song, okay?

Right. So I think this is a sweet piece. I believe you have managed to demonstrate/express your innermost feelings through this. But I agree with Jabster -- some of the rhymes used seems forced and thus, not very interesting or beautiful. You have some places with rhyme and some without. If you choose to included rhyme, I think you should keep going all throughout because it makes the reader flow along with what he/she is reading.

On rhyming, why not check this out? And please note that if ever you need extra tips on using rhyme, there are loads - all you have to do is a little exploring to find those threads or just ask the common poets around here! x)

I think you already know what my main biggest problem with it is. The second is just a few grammatical errors you could easily work on.

You're Your words hit me like broken glass

Oh Lord, my eyes! xD "You're" and "your" are NOT the same. And yes, I have found another thread that could teach your that grammar lesson! The you're vs. your troubles people have.

Simply remember that you're is short for "you are" and "your" shows possession, basically "your bag, your keys, your horse, your planet..." etc.


So like I've said, I'm not entirely sure if this is a song but I enjoyed reading it anway. Like Jabster said, it is a good start and could turn into something really nice if polished.

Keep writing! x

Hi, Anyale!

This is very cute in a sad way. It brings alive the story within very well, and that's definitely a plus side to the song. There's always a story behind it! Also, the piece generally flows very well to help the story unfold.

It was hard for me to follow the structure since it wasn't split into chorus or verses, but that's okay. I know not every song is written that way. I do feel this reads more like poetry since there isn't much technique like repetition or parallelism. It was much speech or monologue in comparison. Is this going to have a slow-jazz kind of music with it? That seems to bet he most fitting music I can think of.

Some of the rhyming and other lines sounded forced? For instance:

Have you forgotten the way our eyes loved so alive
And how you made my heart skip to a jive

Jive is a hard word to use to begin with since it's not typically... used, lol. So it sounded like a forced rhyme in this instance.

There are other spots like that where the flow is somewhat broken, so I'd suggest reading into it and taking another look.

It's a great start, though! I think another read through will clean up some of the awkward bits. The fact that you have your story behind this is fantastic, so you're definitely almost there!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!