I walk through the dark place, looking for a place to lay my babies. I spend hours trying to find a place to lay my babies safely. I finally find the perfect place, a large very shadowed place. I do my deed and walk away.
I find a place to eat. I ready myself and bit down, my fangs bite down. I drink for only a second before the man’s hand come to scratch me. Humans never liked us, so I have lain over twenty nurseries of blood thirsty nits.
The nursery will be safe…
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140,265 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Thank you all for the reviews. At first I was thinking, that was not what I wrote, then I realized. That was my first draft! I am sorry. *Akward Face* as for the font. I didn't do it!
Hey! Wow, this prologue drew me straight away.
I don't know whether you are using the consistent repetition of 'I lay my babies...' for effect, but if not, try writing with a thesaurus by your side so you can think of different ways of saying what you want to say.
Also, writing things in a bigger font may draw someone in looking at your story, but it doesn't improve your writing at all. I'd say type it all in the same size font, because I found it hard to read the smaller font below as my eyes kept drawing me back to the huge font above.
In addition to my point of the repetition, always remember the rule of three. After three uses of the word 'place', it starts to sound less deliberate and haunting, and more annoying and repetitive.
I hope this helps, I will be watching our for part 1...
*Shivers* were you a louse in a past life or something because this seems pretty accurate...
Well, I don't see what the large text in the beginning is for but this whole story is intriguing and... ucky. But it's cool anyways.
I don't really see any plot and the whole story seems kind of vague. But it's kind of interesting from the louse's point of view. I thin if you go through it and check it's grammar and punctuation it'll be a bit better. Ok? Great
Keep writing,
Alzora
I think you have some good ideas here, but they are hidden because of your technique of writing, which I hope to help you with
Try not repeat place, you don't want to use the same word too many times in a sentenceAgain, you repeated place a few too many times. I want to know about this shadowed place, where are you, what is in this place, describe it for the reader. What do you mean by 'I do my deed'?
Describe the place you find to eat. Do you mean a canteen, a resteraunt, a graveyard? Also, I'm guessing you mean bite instead of bit.
I'm sorry but this I don't understand. Maybe I just don't have your imagination haha
I hope this helped
Well, obviously everyone already commented on the huge font you used. There is no need to use such a big font, while we clicked the link of your story to read it. It hurts the eyes sometimes. @.@
You used the word "place" twice. Make sure you find another word for it, or simply rewrite the sentence so you wouldn't repeat words.
Again, you here repeated the word "place" three times. Remember, repeated words distract the reader and they make him feel as though the author has run out of words.
That was a little rushed. Try to put more details here.
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That piece seriously confused me a lot. I didn't understand what you were talking about at first. I didn't know what creature it was or what it was supposed to do. If it was to lay eggs or babies, then why would that be so interesting? Why would it be a purpose of a literary piece.
Imagine, I had all those questions while I read this. Unfortunately, I had no answer at all.
Let's say, there is a reason for making head lice laying eggs. But if that was true, I would need much more details than you told us. Where was it? How did it feel? I think you did show that the thing was in pain, but that also needed explanation. Who was that human?
Honestly? I'm being so honest here. I'm disgusted by the topic. I don't think anyone would be delighted or interested to hear the point of view of head lice. It served no moral and you could have chosen another animal. A horse? Maybe.
I'm sorry, I didn't like it.
Hi Sammy!!!!
You know I love you!
I'm gonna give you a really harsh review
okay so, I notice you said a place to lay my babies twice VERY close together. just look out for that, I'm sure that you will be able to find an alternate for saying it the first time or second...
Congrats! thats the only nitpick I have.
Now for your font. I am in two minds about this. I personally like it, but most, don't (don't ask me why, Its just a quirk us YWS have.) Anywho, I am very proud of you. My first post on YWS was horrible and this is very very good compared to some first posts!
Okay, I'm going to give you some PM's telling you how YWS works, and suggestions and such. Incase you don't get my message on your wall. I'm so excited that you've joined so that I can nitpick on you and tell you how the site works.. Loffles you Sammy! Tell Bells hello!
~Isis
Ew, lol. Having lice is never fun!
I have a question! Is this body lice or hair lice that we're talking about? They're both a bit different... I've had both kinds (remember: wash new clothes BEFORE wearing. You will be much happier) and I have to say that the body lice was definitely the worst. However, this seems to be more hair lice? That wasn't so bad, I guess, but it was pretty embarrassing in elementary school, I remember!
Anyway, if it is the hair lice, I suggest being a little more creative. Right now, you have an excellent beginning, and I kind of adore the size of the first part... it's gimmicky, but in a fun way, so I like it! Now, instead of just saying that "I walked," I want you to be a little more creative. Do lice really walk? Or is it more of a hop sort of thing? They're definitely good jumpers, that's for sure. O_O So, what you might consider doing is changing up your word choice so instead of saying walk you say "skitter" or whatever. Have fun with this!
Also, I kind of want you to describe what this land looks like to the louse. So, basically you might describe the hair follicles as a forest, the dandruff (or whatever) as stones, the sweat as floods... I don't know, be creative here!
And, I don't think this is science fiction? It seems to belong firmly in other fiction, lol.
Anyway, nice stuff here!
Whoah! Hey there AnubisPineapple! That sure is some very large font that you’ve got there. It’s definitely eye catching but from a readers point of view, it’s a bit too “look here at me.” Just a nudge from me to you but I would definitely consider making it the same size as everything else.
So, as far as the actual piece goes, I rather like your idea. I adore when pieces are written from the point of view of inanimate objects like Spare Change which is in third person from the view of a penny. But I think the one thing you really have to watch out for is repetition. I’ll actually make this a little more fun instead of counting things.
Spoiler
I copied your piece into Wordle and got back that image. The bigger the word is, the more times it appeared in the piece. “I” is a big one obviously because the story is told in first person (though you should always be careful with first person so that it doesn’t seem too repetitive) and then you have the other big words: place, lay, walk, babies, and find. None of these are super-impressive words so when they’re used a lot, your language seems weak. Try and spice your word choice up a bit and through that, you’ll have a lot more power to this rather impressive idea.
Otherwise *likes* and if you need anything, I’m always here to help! And if you have any questions about the review, you can leave a note on my wall or send me a PM.
~lilymoore