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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

Hands

by AntoniaClarke


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Hands crawled over the spine of the dead girl. Her body had remained unnoticed for over a week. The stench of rotting flesh (something across between decomposed fruit, dog farts and meat) was so unbearable that it was a miracle anyone had been able to get that close to her corpse without having died themselves - of revulsion.

Fortunately, that didn't tend to be a problem for people who don't mind the smell of decomposed fruit, dog farts and meat. I bet you think you don't know anyone like that. But that's only because you haven't met me. You've probably seen me, because I've walked down many streets in my life and the number of times I've tried to brush up against the people in the street and catch their scent, feel their sweat... who knows if just one of those times it was you?

The little shack in which the girl's body had been hidden was a standing cliché. It didn't do well to heighten the expectations of authority, because if you start being too original then they brand you as a real psychopath. If they don't know about the voices in my head then maybe I won't have to either.

For three days I had been contemplating the idea of stewing the girl and eating her bones. This would be deemed unacceptable by most 'normal' people but I wasn't sure I really fitted into that category - or wanted to. My mother used to say that if everyone were the same then life would be uncannily boring. So instead, I had left the body to rot and see how intolerable the stench became. When the flesh began to recede too far that the maggots took hold (as had occurred yesterday) then I would have to take a course of action one way or another.

Such a shame really when pretty figures make pretty corpses. When she was alive, I'm sure she'd have made a damn good time for whoever had been lucky enough to get their hands on her.

Obviously, that person should have been me - and the irony of the situation was that now, I was the only person who knew where the girl was and had full autonomy to do whatever I wanted with her and my hands. I'll bet you won't understand how much it means to me to have this much control, this much power. It's. My. Dream.

Everyone has a dream, some people are just weirder than others. Some of us are born weird, some of us achieve weirdness and the rest just have weirdness thrust upon them. I fell into the first category. As for this girl, she was different... instead, she was about to have me thrust upon her. 


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Sun Mar 22, 2015 5:10 am
Dracula wrote a review...



This was pretty awesome! It was very creepy at times, but beautifully described and written.
The only nitpick I have is this:
The stench of rotting flesh (something across between decomposed fruit, dog farts and meat) was so unbearable that it was a miracle anyone had been able to get that close to her corpse without having died themselves - of revulsion.
The way you described the smell of her rotting flesh was good, I could definitely imagine it, but dog farts seemed too colloquial for this piece.
The last paragraph was my favourite, your explanation of weirdness wraps the short story up and leaves the reader feeling quite eery.




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Tue Mar 17, 2015 8:21 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Love. Love. Love this!

Omg. It's amazing!

Nothing better than reading/watching something about a good psycho XD

The narrator in this had me thinking about Patrick Bateman, especially the bit about wanting to stew her body. And the way this is all written in a very conversational tone, as if this is just his norm (which it probably is) He's not trying to sound creepy or delusional or psychotic because as he said, he didn't want to be branded as a real psychopath. It's not who he thinks he is, he just thinks he's a bit weird, which most people are. And he talks very frank, I can almost see him shrugging as he narrates.

I can tell you've really thought this through, it really shows. It's very difficult to write a good pyscho, that's why when I find something about one, I get a little giddy XD

The last paragraph was fantastic. The Shakespeare quote worked beautifully. It shows that he is quite intellectual, so probably not the type of person you'd expect to be like this which reflects the start when he said that the reader has probably seen him but not taken notice. And that makes this all that little bit more chilling.

And the way he then twisted the quote and made it his own perverse and dark joke was great, like he was mocking Shakespeare who said all those fancy, poetic things trying to make everything sound wonderful when there are people out there doing things like this guy.

If I could rate this, solid 5 stars :D

Also, you don't have to and I don't usually do this (honest), but I'd really like you to check out one of my short stories. It's like as long as this so it wouldn't take long. It's just...it has a similar feel to this and I think it'd help me a lot to know your opinion because you've pulled this off so well. It'd really mean a lot :)

The story's called 'Blood Lust'.






I'm glad you share my love of the psychopath.
Your review was very fluttering. Thank you.
I will definitely check out your short story.



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Tue Mar 17, 2015 10:36 am
Chekwube says...



Hi! AntoniaClarke, I found 'Hands' compelling for two reasons. Firstly it was confident (something not to be found in large deposits around this site). Secondly, and this makes good sense in horror, it was clinical. These two fellows satisfy just the one face of good literature. The other face is the story. There is not much story told in the piece nor much enduring message left (apart from the promise of terror that is). I could write that story - the story - in one sentence.

You might like to put a lot of stuff in your story. How the gory act was accomplished. The relationship between killer-persona and victim. What the political implications? You could make the short story epic; don't let your character remain nondescript, insignificant, even unfelt in the streets, pettily catching sweat-scents. I think a good story must be big, even one that talks about small people and small things.

The last paragraph was cliche; was it written in a hurry?

Pay attention to tenses. There is past and historic present so you don't know if the body's been found, if the weird killer is still the only person who knows where the girl (girl's body?) is.

You could make more use of the punctuation marks - exclamation!, interrogation? - to heighten reality. This is somebody telling an interesting, horrifying story.

'Hands' was not just compelling; I honestly learnt things.

Once again your language is cool and makes fine read. That is where the literary merit lies.






Thank you for the review and your compliments.
The ending wasn't written in a hurry - but then, it isn't a complete ending.
This was just an excerpt of an idea really which I intend to work on further. I'm glad you liked it so far.



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Mon Mar 16, 2015 6:31 pm
aledford320 says...



I really found this piece disturbing in a good way. I understand the point was to be unsettling and i really like the way you described everything. You did a very good job at putting people into the mind of a killer. Also, everything flowed really well.






Thank you.



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Points: 395
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Mon Mar 16, 2015 6:31 pm
aledford320 says...



I really found this piece disturbing in a good way. I understand the point was to be unsettling and i really like the way you described everything. You did a very good job at putting people into the mind of a killer. Also, everything flowed really well.





hmmm. you know, the quote generator deserves some garlic bread
— SilverNight