Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Nora had always denied the existence of the other. Even when her nightmares plagued her reality. Yet, her younger brother Elliot - aged five - could not make the distinction; and assumed what he saw was always real. Nora's sleep was frequently disturbed by her little brother, who would bound into her room and poke her awake to tell her about his dream. It annoyed Nora to the point where she pretended to be asleep and wouldn't wake when he called her.
She woke, on that particular occasion, squinting, as she dismissed his fearful cries. "B-but I swear I saw it this time. I did, I did! He's hiding in my wardrobe, please come, you'll see," Elliot pulled at Nora's duvet, urging her to move.
"Get off," she snatched. "What do you mean? There's probably nothing there, anyway. Get back to bed." Elliot made a soft whimpering noise. Nora knew that he had started to cry; but if she tried to comfort him, it would take her longer to get back to sleep. She rolled her eyes and with a reluctant voice said: "Ok Elliot. I'll go and look in your wardrobe, QUICKLY."
As she rolled out of bed, Nora staggered in the dark as Elliot clung to her leg. "Hurry," he hissed at her.
"Alright," she replied, getting closer to his bedroom door; still under the pitch black veil that covered the landing. Nora did a speedy search of Elliot's room in general, before she made a beeline for the wardrobe. "Wait a minute!" Elliot called. Nora turned to see her brother clutching, one hand on the light switch and the other onto a sword he had clumsily fashioned out of cardboard.
"It's for the monsters," he explained when she looked quizzically at him.
"Trust me," she placed her hand on Elliot's shoulder. "There is nothing here." Nora grabbed the pseudo-sword and turned to the wardrobe and muttered under her breath: "I look like an idiot." Nora took another step loser to the wardrobe door and with one final look at her brother, yanked open the door.
Then it lashed out at her - a tunnel-shaped mouth with fangs, glaring, ruby tinted eyes; white, bushy hair covering a frail body. Their screams only matched the roars. Nora jumped so far that she backed into Elliot and they fell to the ground together. The thing rushed toward them; and Nora felt its crushing weight bear down on her chest. Its elongated, ice-pick teeth sunk into her neck, causing her to let out a shattering scream. As the monster ravaged her throat, crimson blood flew all over Elliot. He opened his mouth to scream, but that only let the scarlet liquid spray into his mouth, which made him feel sick.
When the thing stopped, it left Nora an unrecognisable mess of gushing organs and scattered boned. The creature paused briefly to stare at Elliot, before licking its lips and disappearing back into the wardrobe in the darkness. Petrified by the sight of his sister's mangled body, Elliot stared at the remains of her still-beating heart on the bedroom floor.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
hello there, gauravkundu32 is here for a quick and brief review of this chapter.
First of all , congratulations for scaring me with this piece of work. I really mean it, you have done a great and wonderful job. Though it was short in length it still created a great impact on me. The division of this story into different paragraphs did a great job in keeping the pace of the story. Now regarding the grammatical part, well i am not very good when it comes to grammar, also I can see other critics have done a good job in nitpicking and rectifying small mistakes. Character portrayal is neatly done and the bondage between Elliot and Nora can seen. All the detailed expressions of their emotions are clearly visible. Regarding, the plot and setting, well, you have not given much information about the family of Nora, either they live alone or together with their parents or not. I think that information can create an additional effect in the minds of the reader, though it is just my personal opinion. Overall, this is a great story with clear and vivid imagery. I really liked it and I shall look forward for some more works from you in this same genre of horror and mystery. Keep up the good work and keep writing like this.
With best wishes,
--gauravkundu32--
First of all, I quite liked this story! It gave me chills at points. However,I felt as if this was very rushed. A longer story or maybe more attention to detail would make it flow much better.
From the very beginning, I could sense something bad was going to happen. Your first paragraph doesn't quite flow with the beginning of the story:
"Nora had always denied the existence of the other. Even when her nightmares plagued her reality. Yet, her younger brother Elliot - aged five - could not make the distinction; and assumed what he saw was always real. Nora's sleep was frequently disturbed by her little brother, who would bound into her room and poke her awake to tell her about his dream. It annoyed Nora to the point where she pretended to be asleep and wouldn't wake when he called her."
The first sentence makes me think that she secretly knows that the "other" exists. Her actions show otherwise. Could you perhaps use a different verb?
The second sentence is an example where you could expand. What do you mean by nightmares plaguing reality? Also, in the third sentence, I would use "nightmare" not "dream".
2nd-7th paragraph: I liked the dialogue a lot! Nice job with the child voice especially. And I adored the touch of the cardboard sword. Error with using the verb "snatched" with one of your dialogue tags though.
The monster/other scene: Your details are spot on. The other is terrifying. However, the only actions they seem to do is scream and fall. Are there any other things they could be doing? Trying to fight with the sword/hands? I know it's a quick and easy fight, but I think you could expand here a bit more.
"The thing rushed toward them; and Nora felt its crushing weight bear down on her chest."
Misuse of a semicolon. Do not use it with conjunctions.
I liked the last paragraph except for the last sentence. Personally, I think you could just cut that one. Ending on the monster retreating is perfectly spooky enough to me. That gave me chills.
Overall, great short story!
Hi, you made a lot of points in this review, thank you for being so detailed. The grammar and punctuation obviously needs correcting in places. Content wise, this is really only a first draft and will be changed at a later date. I'm sure we'll be able to add some points in about the death scene and just generally try to add little improvements.
Thanks again for your review.
Hellooooo
First of all, your descriptive details are spot on! I find it challenging to write action scenes without coming off too cliche, but here you've done a great job! I have to say I'm a little jealous lol
The only thing I would fix is the beginning sentences, maybe only the first throught the third?Who are these "others" that you refer to? I'm assuming that the monster that killed Nora is an "other", but how does she know about them? Did they creep on her just as they did her brother?
Or, better yet, you could add something in the attack scene like a stream of consciousness. Maybe you could add in Nora's final dying thoughts, regrets, or hopes as she realizes that this monster is going to kill her. Then you could really add in their past, if they even have a past. If you're going to take the effort to deny something, you have got to have experience with it otherwise your title should be called Ignorance. (That's just a joke) Did she hear things in her closets too and just rationalize to herself that there was nothing there?
All in all, I realize I'm overanalyzing this phenomenal short story and you definitely can just ignore this review if you want to, it's all up to you. Thank you for your time and I can't wait to read more from you guys!
By the way, thank you for having a good grasp of the English language. It's so distracting reading a grammatically incorrect story...The whole time I find myself fixated on the comma splices or double negatives or verb tenses. I found nothing wrong with this piece, keep up the great work!!
Hi. Thank you for a very detailed review. We understand the ideas you have about adding something into the death scene and we will consider adding some in. As for the 'other' we're trying to keep them deliberately mysterious and as the work is going to be extended, we will explain it all later on.
Thank you for your review.
Hello,
Kanome here with a review.
Wow, the climax in this story scared me just now...
I love the whole concept of this short story.
I love the graphic detail (Not too graphic, but graphic enough to visualize what is going on in the story).
If this was a novel, this would've been a great prologue for the story.
I also love the bondness between brother and sister. It's a typical relationship that an older sister and younger brother go through in a scene like this.
I didn't see any issues regarding to this story, that's why I am only saying good comments about it.
Keep writing!
I can't wait to read more of your work.
Kanome
Thank you for a very positive review.
This was originally intended to be just a short story, but in light of your comments we have decided to extend it to a longer piece! And this will become the prologue for it.
Thank you again for you reading.