z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Language

Crave

by AnthonyLapadu


*Click!

And suddenly there's a flame.

A unexpected source of heat that burns.

Burns through not only the cigarette.

But my mind.

My Grandfather was an avid smoker.

Whenever I see both of his hands in his pocket, two things came out.

His lighter.

His pack of cigarettes.

*Click!

That look in his eyes burned very much like the lighter.

Swaying back and forth and so full of energy.

Slowly raising that white stick to his mouth.

And setting it aflame.

Whenever I see his hands place the lighter and pack of cigarettes back in his pocket, two things came out.

Smoke.

And the cigarette away from his mouth.

His heavy sigh he gave as he exhaled that puff of smoke told me that he was ashamed.

Ashamed that he has done it yet again.

The smell of the cigarette becoming his now natural cologne.

That same smell that brings me to think of him.

The smoke of the cigarette blinding his vision.

That same smoke that clouds my thoughts of everything but him.

The sight of a cigarette taunts not only him, but me as well.

It taunts him for more.

It taunts me for wanting him more.

Both of us know we can't have it again.

Yet we both crave for it.

Crave for what we desire the most.....

*Click!

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


Random avatar

Points: 389
Reviews: 17

Donate
Sun Oct 22, 2017 12:49 pm
popsicles wrote a review...



Ooh wooow! this poem is written about ''desire'' I love that....we have all our desire. We have desire to be someone different, we have desire to something we can not have and we have desire to hold something what we miss...we have desire for longing. We long for something what we don't see yet, we long for something that we couldn't reach here in Life and we long for being healthy in our Life. We long to be somehwere else and we also long for another day.
Time let us longing it makes us what we are. Desire is difficult, what we ALL have I think that everyone can relate to this poem!

You use powerful and strong words...you can inspire people with this work, at least you can inspire me, hahaa....
thanks for that :D

Love: Bree




User avatar
11 Reviews

Points: 592
Reviews: 11

Donate
Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:45 pm
Unidentified wrote a review...



Hey, there. The title caught my attention, so I figured "why not check it out?" So I did. And you know what? This is a really great poem. Not only do you have the words flowing together, but the description just kills. As for my advice, I would just separate the stanzas here and there. Other than that, I can't think of anything else. Keep up the work.

-Unidentified




User avatar
206 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 206

Donate
Wed Oct 04, 2017 9:05 pm
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



I like how you worded this, the way you parted the sentences and added the sound to give it more... more desperation and it grabbed my attention! I could easily picture the scenes, the lighter clicking and the small flame flickering in the slight wind. Maybe hearing the deep sigh and seeing the disappointment in an old mans face because he did something he was trying so hard to stop. I could smell the smoke too. Great job, enticing so much with only a handful of sentences!
- Flumadiddle




User avatar
364 Reviews

Points: 15630
Reviews: 364

Donate
Tue Oct 03, 2017 1:05 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello AnthonyLapadu! {Welcome to YWS!} Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

Spoiler! :
*Click! {I would italicize this line to show that it's an onomonopia}

And suddenly there's a flame.

A unexpected source of heat that burns.

Burns through not only the cigarette.

But my mind.

My Grandfather was an avid smoker. {Ooooooo, was? Interesting choice of words}

Whenever I see both of his hands in his pocket,

{T}wo things {come} out.

His lighter.

His pack of cigarettes.

*Click! {I would italicize this line to show that it's an onomonopia}

That look in his eyes burned very much like the lighter.

Swaying back and forth and so full of energy.

Slowly raising that white stick to his mouth.

And setting it aflame.

Whenever I see his hands place the lighter and pack of cigarettes back in his pocket, two things came out. {This line is too long}

Smoke.

And the cigarette away from his mouth.

His heavy sigh he gave as he exhaled that puff of smoke told me that he was ashamed.

Ashamed that he has done it yet again.

The smell of the cigarette becoming his now natural cologne.

That same smell that brings me to think of him.

The smoke of the cigarette blinding his vision.

That same smoke that clouds my thoughts of everything but him.

The sight of a cigarette taunts not only him, but me as well.

It taunts him for more.

It taunts me for wanting him more. {Huh? I don't get this line}

Both of us know we can't have it again.

Yet we both crave for it.

Crave for what we desire the most.....

*Click! {I would italicize this line to show that it's an onomonopia}


Overall, this is pretty good, but I would also separate the stanzas with a "--" to make it clearer and easier to read. Otherwise, this is pretty good and the message is clear. Noice.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

Image





grammar is hard and i dislike it immensely
— Icon