16+ Violence

Chapter 1 of The Dark Empire Just seeing how well it does first

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

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Chapter 1

Felicity hand rested on a book, flipping through pages of her designs of her work. She had designed something that could let you fly. Or in her case, making a city fly, in a much larger scale. She never thought she would ever be able to, but she had finally made a design that would work. It was only yesterday when she had finished the design, and started to work on it. There were 4 circles for each side with 3 propellers in the circles, connecting in a square shape. She could be rich for her design, she could make this a flying city. She knew she couldn’t tell anyone of this design, or someone might steal it. But Felicity’s worries lay on what she needed, rather than getting her blueprint designs stolen. She had written a list of stuff she needed already. Felicity needed some metal tubes, some wire, and a steam generator. Those were the things that she needed. Felicity were a brown apron, going down to her knees, and leather padded shirt, and thick goggles over her forehead. She began to connect some metal, making the circles for the propellers. She used a forge made by her father. But he wasn’t here. He left when she was 5 to make more money. Now she was left with her brother Gerald, and her Mother to make a living for themselves. Her tongue lopped to the side out of her mouth as she connected the circle part to the square metal corner. It melted together and she stood back, putting it in the water, and steam came as soon as it touched. She smiled at her success, and walked out of the building, fixing her hair, taking her goggles off along the way. She walked down the cobble stone streets, smoke slowly rising out of the chimneys. The cold winter air chilled against her skin. Soon she reached her small house. She stopped to gaze upon it for a moment, and sighed, then walking in. She closed the door behind her.

“I’m home!” She yelled through the warm home. Felicity walked into the kitchen, and seeing Mother cooking a stew on the fire place. The wooden tables and chairs were moved back to the other side of the kitchen. Mother was sitting on a wooden chair beside the fireplace. Felicity always had bared a symbol on her forearm, a star then a moon crossing over it. She never knew why it was there. Perhaps she had gotten it when she was a infant.

“I see. Go get your brother from your room, we’ll be eatin’ here soon.” She exclaimed. Felicity walked out of the kitchen, and up the stairs. There was 3 rooms. One the bathroom, second Mother’s room, and third her and brother’s room. She knocked.

“Hello?” She asked. No response. Then felicity opened the door. The window was open, and the room was unoccupied. Why did he always have to do that? Why can’t he stop snooping? He is going to end up getting caught by the guards’ one of these times. She left the room, closing it behind her. Walking down the stairs, she entered the kitchen. She leaned against the counter.

“He’ll be down in a few.” She said, at least she hoped. She crossed her fingers behind her back. She knew she would end up in deep trouble if she was caught covering for him. But she was also going to stop him from just snooping away. And she planned to bring it to an end tonight.

“That boy better hurry.” Mother mumbled under her breath. “Set up the table, won’t be much more than 2 minutes.” Felicity walked away to a cupboard, pulling out some wooden bowls and some spoons from a tray. A spider was in one of the bowls, and she dropped it, resulting in a screech. She wacked it with another bowl. She got a new bowl out, while Mother seemed to ignore her. Her brother Gerald was now walking into the kitchen. She eyed him before sitting down at the table. He sat beside her, then Mother brought the thick metal pot over to the table with a scooping spoon. Gerald started serving himself. Felicity did the same after wards, then mother. Gerald was the first to speak.

“So, what did you do today Felicity?” He asked, taking a scoop of the stew into his mouth. Felicity shrugged before responding.

“Nothing much, just working on a design.” She replied. He looked at her then took another bite, swallowing.

“Designing ey? Can I see?” He asked. She looked at him shaking her head.

“Not until I finished my work.” She explained. “So, how was work today Mother?” Mother continued to chew, then swallowed.

“Fine, just another normal day.” She said. They finished their dinner, then Gerald and Felicity said good night to their Mother after cleaning the kitchen up. She closed the door behind her and Gerald.

“I told you to stop this. You’re not supposed to be snooping around late.” He looked at her, and plopped on his bed.

“I know I know. But how do you think I know things around here? Remember last year. When a storm was coming, but told none, because they didn’t want to tell anyone?” She folded her arms across her chest.

“So, that was last year. You need to stop.” Felicity knew that was a horrible storm. They had told their Mother, but she doesn’t know the other times he had snuck out. Or how many times he had snuck out. It was countless times.

“But you have to admit, it is nice to have someone to tell you things that none else gets told.” She walked over to him grabbing his shoulders.

“It doesn’t matter! What if you were to get caught by a guard then? Huh? You’d get sent to labor chambers!” She yelled. His eyes looked into her gray ones. Hers looking into his blue eyes.

“Fine, I’ll stop. And get off me.” She stood away from him, then walked out of the room into the bathroom, changing into a pair of pajamas. She walked back into the room. Turning off the light, she climbed into her bed, pulling the covers over her shoulders, facing the wall. Closing her eyes, she let sleep overcome her.

Felicity stood in her lab building, continuing to work on her project. She had connected the third circle of metal to the corner of the square part of metal, and stepped back look at it, then smiled at her success. She walked out of the building, and to her house. She entered through the door, and rushed into her room. Gerald laid on the bed, reading a book. He lowered his book, looking at her.

“What you up to?” He asked. She set her design book down on her bed.

“I need you to get me these things.” She said handing him a piece of parchment with the listed items. Gerald looked at her.

“You want me to get you these things? What for?”

“It doesn’t matter, if you get me these things, I will tell you.” He shrugged.

“Shouldn’t be too hard. I’ll be back in an hour.” He said folding the parchment and tucking it into his pocket. Gerald walked over to the window, and began to climb down the house. She sighed, and walked out of the room, rushed down the stairs, and then out the front door. Mother worked at a factory that made clothes, nothing major. She was going to impress her Mother. She was going to impress the world what she could do with her dreams and designs. Felicity walked into her lab building, and sat down at a chair. She held a simple watch, watching time tick by. She covered the project with some cloth before walking back to the house. She entered and looked to see someone holding Gerald by the throat with a dagger. She looked up to the face who belonged to Bart Dayton. Bart Dayton was a bully who roamed the streets. Her brother had stirred up trouble again.

“Now, your brother, Gerald told me about a project you have been working on. Can I take a look?” He asked, holding Gerald firmly. His eyes told her don’t. “Tell me now, or I’ll have to slit his throat.” She gulped wondering what to do. What can I do? He’ll slit his throat if I don’t. Felicity stared, wondering if his brother was to die, or just a bluff. She didn’t want to risk it either way.

“Are you bluffing?” She asked, being brave. Bart shot her a look.

“I don’t think this knife at his throat is a joke. Do you think it is?” He said with a wicked smile crossing his face. Felicity looked around, only moving her eyes. She looked for anything she could grab to whack him with. She noticed nothing that would have been any use.

“Perhaps we can talk this out?” Bart shook his head. Gerald felt the knife pressed harder against his throat.

“Just tell him.” Gerald said. Felicity felt her stomach rise with guilt. Give him her project? No, not happening. She couldn’t just let her project go to waste. Not just to give to a design stealer. She just couldn’t let that happen. All the work she had put into that design. It wasn’t going to end just like that.

“Follow me, and I’ll take you to my lab where my project is.” She said, walking out of the front door. Bart followed behind, holding Gerald firmly.

“Don’t try anything stupid, or his blood will be on my hands.” Bart said, now they were behind buildings following Felicity. She turned her head, giving Gerald a look like, I’ll get you out of this mess. They passed a few more buildings, then she reached behind her lab building.

“This is it.” She said looking at Bart, then opened the door entering the lab building. Bart followed behind. She grabbed a rusty pipe, then whacked him in the head as he entered. He slumped to the ground, dropping the knife. Gerald put one of his hands to his throat, making sure he was alright. Gerald grabbed the knife, then stuck it in a nearby table. “You alright?” He nodded.

“Let’s get him out of here before he wakes up.” Gerald said, grabbing Bart’s hands. Felicity looked at the unconscious body of Bart, then grabbed his feet and helped Gerald get him out of the lab. They dragged him for about a 1000 feet before heading back to the lab.

“Did you get the stuff I asked for?” Gerald shook his head. He walked towards the front door of the lab.

“I had it before he had a knife at my throat. It’s down the street, I’ll be back.” He replied, closing the door behind him. Felicity plopped down in a chair beside the table putting her hands in her hair. That was way to close. She could earn fortunes with her design. She couldn’t hand it to a bully. She couldn’t let all her work go to nothing. She stood up, and walked over to her project and took the cloth off of it as Gerald walked back in through the front door. She looked over, seeing wires, metal tubes, and a steam generator. How the hell did he get a steam generator so fast? They weren’t cheap either. He set them on the table, letting the weight of the metal pipes and the steam generator rest on the table.

“There you go. Can I see the design now?” He asked. Felicity nodded, pointing to her design, and the project in progress. He looked at the design, and frowned. “Your project won’t work.” Felicity’s eyes widened.

“What? Why? I have it- The wiring won’t connect right.” Gerald cut her off. “You need to connect it this way, to the generator, then the metal pipes, and then it will work.” How could he have known? He didn’t ever design.

“How could you know?” She asked. Gerald folded his arms.

“Trust me on this one, I know how wiring and the pipes should work. Here let me show you how to connect it properly.” He took the small steam generator, putting it in place. “Now, you see these pipes.” Felicity nodded. She never knew she would be taking advice from her little brother. After all, he only snooped out of the house. Or at least she thought. “You put the wires in them, then it will carry the steam to the propellers, spinning it. But if we can modify the steam generator to increase its amount of steam it generates, and it should fly, according to your design.” He explained showing her how the pipes would fit, and how the wires would fit in the metal pipes. After another hour, the project was half way built. The steam was generating at a remarkable speed.

“Are you sure it will be stable?” Felicity asked her younger brother. He looked at her, then nodded after another moment.

“It should be, it’s just an increased rate of steam per minute. It should be enough to lift easily.” He replied. Felicity looked at her design, then took some more pipes and wires and place it in place, and more steam generated, and now all propellers were spinning fairly fast.

“Now, to up the speed of the steam…” She said, turning a knot, and it lifted off the table. She turned the knot down, and it lowered back down to the table. Her face brightened. Gerald and Felicity wrapped their arms around each other.

“It works!” She yelled. She laughed in amazement.

“We’re going to be rich!” Gerald said, pulling the cloth over the machine, after turning the steam generator off. “Come on, we have to tell Mother.” Felicity shook her head.

“We’ll show her when we have sold the design to the Empire.” She exclaimed. Gerald nodded. “I’ll have to get an appointment next week. Come on, we don’t want to be late for dinner.” They exited the lab building, locking it up before leaving. My design is going to the Empire, I can’t believe this! She and Gerald reached their home, and they entered. Walking into the kitchen, a small, but expensive dinner was prepared. Chicken, fruit, and a small bowl of grounded wheat.

“When did you get paid extra?” Felicity asked her Mother. She sat at the table, staring at her plate of food, then shook her head looking up at her and Gerald.

“I didn’t, I just thought it would be nice to have a dinner like this again. It’s been a while you know.” She replied smiling. It was true, the last time they had a dinner like this was 9 months ago. Felicity sat down taking a fork in her hand, and they began to eat in silence.

“What did you do today?” Mother broke the silence, taking another bite of her grounded wheat. Felicity wondered why she spoke. She almost always kept quiet at the dinner table.

“I was just working on my design.” She replied, setting her fork down. Mother looked at felicity.

“Don’t you think it’s time you’ve moved on, and make a real job?” Felicity eyed her Mother.

“I think where I’m getting to is fine. I want to follow my dreams.” She took another bite of her chicken with her fork. Mother sighed. She is acting a bit… strange. Gerald looked at Felicity, and shrugged slightly. She wolfed down the rest of her food on her plate, then stood up, excusing herself from the table. She changed into her night clothes before climbing into her bed. Felicity didn’t fall asleep for a couple more hours, until her eye lids were too heavy to hold themselves up.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Hello and welcome to YWS!

Overall, It's good. There are some things you need to work on: comma placement, spelling, conventions in general. I agree with shadegloe, It's was a bit confusing and abrupt when you don't communicate time.

I warn you I am rather blunt...
Nitpicks:
- "Felicity hand rested on a book, flipping through pages of her designs of her work."
Felicity's hand*
The next part of the sentence is too redundant you could say " pages of designs she was working on" or something like that because "pages of her designs of her work" seems too redundant.

- "There were 4 circles for each side with 3 propellers in the circles, connecting in a square shape."
I think your description seems pretty vague, I would suggest describing it more vividly so the readers can accurately picture what you pictured while writing this.
Also, when using numbers type it out if it's whole numbers smaller than ten: one>1

- "Those were the things that she needed." I don't think this sentence is necessary since you stated that in the previous sentence.

- "Felicity were a brown apron, going down to her knees, and leather padded shirt, and thick goggles over her forehead."
Excessive amounts of the word 'and'

- "He left when she was 5 to make more money."
Here you can explain why or how he was going to make more money.

- "Now she was left with her brother Gerald," Comma isn't needed since you're only listing two people.

- "Her tongue lopped to the side out of her..."
I would describe it as "Her tongue stuck out in concentration."- just a suggestion.

- "cooking a stew on the fire place."
the 'a' isn't needed also fireplace is one word.

- "There was 3 rooms."
were*

- "“Are you bluffing?” She asked, being brave. Bart shot her a look."
I think what she says is kind of understated in a way. Her brother has a knife touching his throat and might die any second. But all she can say is 'are you bluffing?' I would have imagined her just standing there in shock or something of the sorts.


All in all, I enjoyed the plot line and setting. I'm really curious as to what this 'Empire' is.
Keep writing!

Hey, thanks, as long as I keep writing I'll get better. When I finish the story, I'll get my Mom to edit it and everything. Then once that will be done, I'll post a new version, edited. Thank you for enjoying this, and telling me what was wrong. Well, I've only been writing for 2 years now, so I got to keep going! I work my *ss off on these books and building up my characters. Thank you once more! :D

Yeah, keep it up! But I highly suggest editing it on your own that way you can improve on areas you might need to work on. The only way to get better is to keep trying! :)

User avatar
ShadeGloe
Review

This is my first review, so please tell me if I'm too harsh or too easy.
First, I like the idea of the story and how the characters are portrayed. I noticed that you repeated words and ideas a lot. My suggestion would be to reread your story as if you have never seen it before, that will help you realize the mistakes. A few words are misspelled and I think it would help to look for capitalization errors also. To make the story flow better, try to communicate time, like when Felicity wakes up or while Gerald built half of the flying project. I enjoyed seeing that Felicity still has room to grow even in this first chapter. It was a pleasure to read, so keep going!



Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
— George Burns