The Healer
Luke Verigo was a rich kid. A usual, pampered and spoiled rich kid. He went to a small private school up town New York. He never really thought about anyone else except himself. He pondered in large museums and walked down the leaf strewn Central park. Little did he know that his whole small boring perfect world would turn up side down one day involving a dead bird lying on the street. The bird was sprawled on the side walk, its wings bent in awkward positions. It chirped painfully and softly. Luke spotted it a couple of feet away and ran to it. His heart gave a shudder. He picked it up and gently cradled the broken bird in his palm. The bird chirped in alarm and pain from being handled .It couldn’t escape so it quieted down knowing that whatever this boy could do, he would if he wanted to. Luke studied the bird thoughtfully. He felt as if he wanted to heal this bird and make it fly away to continue its life. The bird’s heart stopped beating in his hands. He felt tears brimming his eyes. He willed that the bird would heal and that it fly away. He closed his eyes, but when he did he felt a warm tingly feeling that went across his whole body. He heard the bird chirp wildly and opened his eyes shocked at what he found. The bird came back to life! From then on Luke knew he was special. Luke ran home. Luke plopped down on his couch in his giant living room and called the butler. “Yes sir?” Luke ordered without taking a glance at him.”Yea get me a dew, quick”. The butler sighed and hurried to the kitchen wondering why he still worked at a job where he was practically a slave to a snot nosed brat that ordered him around like, well, a butler. In the living room Luke channel surfed. He clicked on the world news and something caught his attention. A news reporter was talking about how millions of people die in Africa and that most of the diseases can be cured by a getting a vaccine for about 2$.He stared at the scrawny looking adults and kids begging for food and water. He quickly flicked to another channel It was too much. Luke thought about it. Luke thought how u could go near those filthy looking people. Disgusting almost made him sick. He turned off the T.V. and went to bed with the butler searching the mansion for 30 minutes to give him the mountain dew.
The next day Luke met a girl named Allie. He saw her walking down the street into a clothes boutique. He followed her inside and flirted a little. He gave her his number and they became friends. Allie surprisingly shared his outlook on things; she liked walking through the park and also the museums. They spent days together. They both never admitted that something was going on between them. A month later his parents decided a spontaneous trip to Africa to explore the great savannah. Luke’s parents frowned upon him anytime he was doing anything a regular teen would do. His parents despised him. They pretended to like him just do they could get him to do what they wanted. Luke grumbled but agreed on coming. His parents were hoping on the contrary. Luke talked in Allie to come with him to Africa. His parent agreed because at least he wouldn’t bother them. So they flew to Africa. Their lives were about to change forever. Luke was reading a magazine 30,000 feet in the air when the plane started wobbling. The wings bolts resumed loosening. Luke’s heart dropped down into his stomach. He felt Allies nails rip his skin as the g force pushed them all back into their seats. Luke didn’t want to accept that he was about to die! He was too young; he never even kissed a girl! What was wrong?
Then Luke heard the nose of the plane hit the ground and flatten like a soda can and then black.
Luke felt the sun beat down its relentless rays on his cap less head. He felt as if his head already had a hole burned in his head by now. His feet kicked up dirt as he walked. Luke didn’t want to except what he had just been through. His right arm was broken and he had Allie limping beside him. He sat down on a piece of the wing and gently pushed Allie onto the curved part. They were the only survivors. No one else lived. He suddenly felt pity for his parents. He never actually talked to them. They never really liked him. Luke pushed his self pity away and looked at Allie. Her leg was broken. They were going to die without food maybe they could salvage from the plane….
No it exploded as soon as they got out. No water. Luke stared out across the savannah looking for any sign of water. Nothing just dust blowing in the air. His arm started hurting again and he almost dropped Allie in the pain. Then she remembered that she broke her leg in three different places. He thought about what to do for hours his arm shooting fireworks. He thought until he remembered about the bird. The bird! He quickly put his hands on Allies leg and willed it to heal. After a few moments nothing happened. Then he felt his whole body tingle once more and he screamed from the exertion. Green light seemed to flood out of Luke as he struggled to heal Allie. Allie suddenly woke up and she stared at Luke. The broken bone had been mended. Luke couldn’t believe it. Allie stared at Luke like he was from a different planet and then hugged him. By then Luke turned a sickly color of white and fainted. After Luke woke up thirsty for water, they went to a nearby village. Luke walked down the road, he felt his spine tingle. Eyes looked out from the shadows of strange stores. They walked until they found a small shack that seemed deserted. The eyes were still watching them as they walked in.
The next day they woke up to gunshots ringing through the village. There was a raid going on. Two gangs were fighting. Bullets suddenly sprayed on the shack causing Luke and Allie sprawling for cover. Luke looked over at Allie and saw her bright blue eyes displaying pure terror. Luke knew what they had to do. Luke picked up Allie and they quickly peered through the keyhole. What they saw shocked them to their very core. “O my god”! Allie managed to scream, before Luke could cover her mouth. One of the gang members gunned down an innocent woman running from the devastation. Luke watched her fall down. He felt an uncontrollable rage. His hand shot up to open it and help the woman, but then stopped thinking of preserving his life and Allies life. A girl limped over and sobbed over the woman’s body. When Allie screamed, one of the gang members heard and turned around to stare right at Luke’s eye. Luke felt a chill come down his body. He cursed and pulled Allie with him further down into the shack. They spotted three packs of rice stacked upon each other. Luke went in and pulled Allie in with him as soon as the door opened. Luke peeked around the bags and saw the man staring at the rice bags. Luke looked around desperately for any way to escape this creepy man. Luke found a window and pushed Allie to it. He heard the man yell and run after them. Luke pushed Allie out the window first then he started but the man grabbed his leg trying to pull him back in. He heard Allies desperate cries for him. Adrenaline coursed through him and he kicked as hard as he could and felt his foot connect with the gang member’s nose. He heard a yelp and he was dropped. “GO, GO, GO” screamed Luke almost tripping.
Luke and Allie ran for 30 minutes dodging stalls and stray kids, but to Allie and Luke it felt as if it was 3 hours. They made it to the entrance but stopped when they saw a guard patrolling it. “What are we going to do, its guarded” said Allie. “We need to get them distracted” Luke picked up a rock and felt its weight. He aimed and saw Allie watching him nervously. As he wound up, he heard Allie stifle a scream and he felt the barrel of a gun press against his head. He heard through a heavy African accent “come vith me now”. Luke slowly walked forward, when he felt the gun nudge him in the back. Then the gang leader said “You too stupid girl”. And with Allie sobbing and Luke scared out his mind, they all walked forward into full view of the gang. “So what vee catch here, tourists?”. Luke felt him being stared at as his head was down. “Pick your head and respect us now!” The man who held the gun to Luke’s back pushed him onto his knees.”Stop”! Yelled Allie. One of the gang leaders said something that haunts Luke to this day. “Girl vee can do anything to you and your friend, vee own you”.
Allie and Luke sat in a dark and dreary cell. “Luke I’m sorry I didn’t warn you, I just froze up, I……..” . Luke nodded and hugged her. Thoughts raced through Luke’s head as he sat with Allies head on his shoulder. They sat for hours. Until finally after what seemed like hours, a girl came. “You guys are tourists?” asked a girl voice. About 13. Allie picked her head up but Luke hushed her. “Who wants to know”? A dark skinned girl came into view and stared at Luke and Allie like they were part of a circus. The girl looked at Allie, and then diverted her attention on Luke. “So you are the so called healer?” Luke’s eyes wandered over to her leg. It was swollen and looked diseased. The girl looked saw Luke staring at her leg. “what you looking at white boy?”. The girl looked like she was deeply thinking. Then suddenly she said ” Look, I can get you and your girl out of here”. Luke’s eyes lit up “but first you have to do something for me”. She motioned to her leg and Luke understood. He reached through the bars and put his hand on her leg. The girl screamed but then went quite. Suddenly green light flooded the room. The girls leg began to heal in a matter of minutes. “My name is Shakaya”. The girl looked at her leg then exactly at that moment, Luke fell and went unconscious.
Luke woke up with a headache. He was being dragged into some sort of jungle. He suddenly feared the worst and pulled his arms from his captors. “Calm down boy it’s only us. Allie’s and Shakaya’s face came into view in the dark jungle. Luke stood up and viewed his surroundings. “How did you get us out of there?” Luke asked Shakaya, who only smirked and said “I have my ways”. They travelled for hours never stopping. Shakaya said it’s best to get as much distance from the gangsters as possible.
They arrived at a nearby village and took refuge there. An old man asked what they were doing and they said their parents were dead. The old man turned red and quickly ushered them into his house. He gave them on cot to sleep on. Of course Luke slept on the floor, while Shakaya and Allie shared the cot. Luke lay wide awake. He heard Shakaya take a deep breath and roll over. Her face was dark and blend in with her surroundings. Luke finally mustered the courage and asked his question “hey Shakaya, how did your parents die?” He himself had been quietly grieving his own parents remembering how they cared for him as a kid, before he grew up. Shakaya stayed silent for what seemed like minutes before answering almost making Luke asking again. “That is a very personal question boy”. Luke suddenly burst out “stop calling me boy, my names Luke!”. Luke could feel her staring at him in the dark. “Sorry, Luke”, she pronounced his name as if it took too hard. “Anyway, I was 5 when they came”. Luke could tell she was sad so he didn’t press her to go on. Shakaya was silent for about a minute sobbing quietly. Luke felt rotten then almost asked her he didn’t mind her not telling him, when she started talking again . “it was a beautiful day, and me and mother went out to buy water”.” They started shooting at mother when she ran”. Luke suddenly remembered the woman that got shot and died.” Gang boss captured me when I tried to hide”. Tune in for the rest of the story coming soon
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"Luke Verigo was a rich kid." alright, introduction to the protagonist right off the bat is a good idea. "
"A usual, pampered and spoiled rich kid." I think usual might not be the best choice of words, but that is just me.
"He went to a small private school up town New York." "in" uptown, I might just be picky on the compound wording of uptown though.
"He never really thought about anyone else except himself." okay, you are giving us his characterization, I wish it was a little more indepth and connected to the next parts of the paragraph. I think it might be better attached to the previous paragraph as well.
"He pondered in large museums and walked down the leaf strewn Central park." okay, what did he ponder about? himself presumably.
"Little did he know that his whole small boring perfect world" commas are your friend when using multiple adjectives.
"would turn up side down one day involving a dead bird lying on the street." involving seems to be weak. try.. "and it all started with him spotting" or something along those lines.
"The bird was sprawled on the side walk, its wings bent in awkward positions. It chirped painfully and softly." I didn't think pain would be softly chirped, perhaps weakly, but I don't know about softly.
"It couldn’t escape so it quieted down knowing that whatever this boy could do, he would if he wanted to." I don't like the use of 'it' instead use "the bird or some other descriptive noun, additionally, 'he would if he wanted to' seems out of place, try... "the bird couldn't escape so it quieted down knowing that the boy could do whatever he wanted to."
"Luke studied the bird thoughtfully. He felt as if he wanted to heal this bird and make it fly away to continue its life." he felt as if? so he didn't actually feel that way?
"He willed that the bird would heal and that it fly away." i think this could be better as.. "He willed that the bird would heal; that it would fly away."
"Luke plopped down on his couch in his giant living room and called the butler." I think you've used Luke too many times in a row.
"“Yes sir?” Luke ordered without taking a glance at him." seems like luke is answering.
"He quickly flicked to another channel It was too much." how about "because it was too much to handle"
"Luke thought about it. Luke thought how u could go near those filthy looking people. Disgusting almost made him sick." this is weak and has syntax flaws.
He turned off the T.V. and went to bed with the butler searching the mansion for 30 minutes to give him the mountain dew. - "with" could become something like, "and went to bed, leaving the butler to search the mansion"
"The next day Luke met a girl named Allie. He saw her walking down the street into a clothes boutique. He followed her inside and flirted a little. He gave her his number and they became friends." this seems a little bit implausible of a way to introduce a character, perhaps he knew allie from somewhere else, but really, he picks her up by following her the day after seeing a dead bird get brought to life? I might have other things on my mind than vagina...
"Allie surprisingly shared his outlook on things;" oh, so she is an ungrateful bitch?
"His parents despised him." really? why?
"Luke talked in Allie to come with him to Africa." Luke talked allie into coming with him
"His parent agreed because at least he wouldn’t bother them. So they flew to Africa." this seems weak
"The wings bolts resumed loosening." resumed? when did they start? you also need to add a possessive apostrophe, ie the wings' bolts or the wing's bolts
"Luke’s heart dropped down into his stomach." down is redundant, if something drops, it goes down.
"He felt Allies nails rip his skin as the g force pushed them all back into their seats. " allie's, also, I don't like "them all"
Luke didn’t want to accept that he was about to die! He was too young; he never even kissed a girl! What was wrong? - Too many exclamations
"Then Luke heard the nose of the plane hit the ground and flatten like a soda can and then black." The plane flattened like a soda can and then black? how does a plane flatten like black?
"Luke felt the sun beat down its relentless rays on his cap less head." Why do I care that he isn't wearing a cap?, I think you switch time frames too quickly, as well.
'He felt as if his head already had a hole burned in his head by now. ' you use head twice, which is unnecessary
"Luke didn’t want to except what he had just been through." I think you mean accept, you had that before, at least.
'They were going to die without food maybe they could salvage from the plane….' this is a runon.
"No it exploded as soon as they got out." Hmm, the sun hits his head, allie limps along, they sit on the wing, but the plane explodes as soon as they exit the plane????
"No water." fragment
'Nothing just dust blowing in the air.' nothing except for dust blowing in the air.
"Then she remembered that she broke her leg in three different places." you've switched subjects, and I don't know how a young girl with a broken leg can 'remember' that her leg is broken in 3 different places.
'He thought about what to do for hours his arm shooting fireworks.' run on
'He thought until he remembered about the bird.' he stops thinking to remember the bird? isn't remembering a form of thinking?
'Allie suddenly woke up and she stared at Luke.' she went to sleep?
'After Luke woke up thirsty for water, they went to a nearby village.' well sure is lucky they didn't have to suffer in the savannah in which there was no water......
'The next day they woke up to gunshots ringing through the village.' they go into a store and then it is the next day?
"Bullets suddenly sprayed on the shack causing Luke and Allie sprawling for cover." you need to use the infinitive ' to sprawl"
'His hand shot up to open it and help the woman, but then stopped thinking of preserving his life and Allies life.' hand is the subject of this sentence, how does a hand stop thinking?
'When Allie screamed' why is she screaming, isn't luke holding her mouth?
'Luke felt a chill come down his body.' similar to the chill of healing?
"Luke and Allie ran for 30 minutes dodging stalls and stray kids, but to Allie and Luke it felt as if it was 3 hours." this is one large african village...
'They made it to the entrance' the entrance of what?
“We need to get them distracted” this needs a new paragraph because you switch speakers.
"Allie and Luke sat in a dark and dreary cell" - abrupt scene change
"They sat for hours. Until finally after what seemed like hours, a girl came." seemed like hours because it was hours...
“So you are the so called healer?” how does she know this????
"The girls leg began to heal in a matter of minutes." Minutes? allie's leg healed in seconds..
'Of course Luke slept on the floor, while Shakaya and Allie shared the cot.' of course, the selfish rich kid now makes self sacrifices?
Her face was dark and blend in with her surroundings.
And now that I come to the end I am frustrated that there doesn't seem to be a point.
Hi Anthony, welcome to YWS!
Introduction needs some work. It's not the best idea to start a story with a description of how your MC behaves. It's not very thrilling and it might not capture the readers attention. Why not just create a scene before he finds the dead bird?
Also, you want to watch out for repetition. I noticed in the first paragraph you repeated 'rich kid' and that's not a very good idea. But no worries, that's an easy fix!
Also, description wise, you need to add more. I found you doing more telling than showing and that's one of the main problems with most people's writing. You need to find a way to balance the two out. Show enough and tell enough. More descriptions adds for imagery, allowing the readers to picture scenes in their heads like a movie, but be warned, too much description and it makes our brains clogged and bored. XD
Punctuation definitely needs some work. I suggest reading this Link to brush up on some correct punctuation for quotes and commas. Remember to start a new line when a different character speaks.
Pink here, dropping by to review
>Wow, Luke! XD I'm writing a novel with one of the main characters also being named Luke. Actually that's just his nickname, his real name is Lucas....Anyways, I found that interesting :3
Overall, you have an interesting plot and Luke seems like an interesting character. Though he lacks realism. You see you described him as a spoiled rich kid and that makes me think 'snobby and rude' but he cries and brings things to life and it's like 'huh'? Shouldn't he just walk past the bird or something? I don't know. I also thought the part he met Allie was too sudden and random. Anyways, I did like it.
Cheers,
~Pink