The school year is coming to an end, and it's time for summer to start. Ever since I can remember I hated summer. Why you may ask “It’s the best time of the year for kids and teens; no school, the sun is bright, and most of all no school. Well I dislike the time I spend indoors for the first month of summer. I don’t go outdoors because I don’t feel like it. I guess it’s my own fault, but it’s just horrible. Summer always starts the same way; the first day is spent playing Minecraft with my friends and any other games that are fun that we all have, this goes on for the whole day, and by 1 or 2 in the morning most of my friends are asleep except for one friend, but he falls asleep at 3-3:30 a.m. So I just lie in my bed staring at the roof in till 10-11 a.m., this is the time my friends get back on skype, and repeat the same thing we did yesterday. After 72 hours of no sleep this massive headache kicks in and every sound you hear starts to echo in the back of your head. By this day I stop talking to my friends because voices are unbearable to listen too. All I hear is the sound of my avatar walking in a game echoing in the back of my head even after I took off my headphones and completely unplugged them. After a while the footsteps start to fade but that didn’t stop the sound of the mouse clicks, tap tap, taping in my head. After an hour I had enough of this and decided to go downstairs and get something to eat, to my surprise it didn’t work. It has been 84 hours since I gotten any sleep, and I as if I’m not going to get any, so I just stare at my glowing computer monitors for 12 more hours. It has been almost 100 hours since I have laid my eyes to rest and my body feels weak and unable to do anything, but for some reason my legs cannot stop twitching. By this day the hallucinations kick in and it’s like I have a dream but I’m still wide awake sitting in my chair. I decide it’s best to go lie in my bed. The hallucinations scare me, Things crawling on the roof, sounds of my own voice fill my head, and restless thoughts. All of a sudden I hear a voice that is not mine and it says “Go to sleep” and feel as I’m falling into nothing, darkness surrounds me, and I wake up refreshed and rejuvenated. It kills me to know this is going to repeat itself in till the end of the summer.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Antharius, this is an interesting piece. Unlike you, I can't wait for summer to do NOTHING. I would love to do NOTHING for a day. About your writing, you used good descriptive imagery words, yet this needed a good peer edit on your grammar. You had a lot of missing commas and comma splice. However, you did use good vocab and verb use (ex: twitching, surrounds, rejuvenated...) Good job, keep writing, and (proofread). Hurtado
Full edit:
The school year is coming to an end, and it's time for summer to start. Ever since I can remember, I hated summer. Why, you may ask, it’s the best time of the year for kids and teens; no school, the sun is bright, and most of all no school (you said that already). Well I dislike the time I spend indoors for the first month of summer.
Spoiler
^
I don’t go outdoors because I don’t feel like it. I guess it’s my own fault, but it’s just horrible. Summer always starts the same way, the first day is spent playing Minecraft with my friends,
andalong with any other games thatare fun thatwe all have. This goes on for the whole day, and by one or two in the morning, most of my friends are asleep, except for onefriend, but hewho falls asleepataround 3-3:30 a.m. So then I just lie in my bed staring at the roof in till 10-11 a.m., which is aboutthis isthe time my friends get back on Skype, and repeat the samethingroutine we did yesterday.^
After 72 hours of no sleep, this massive headache kicks in and every sound
youI hear starts to echo in the back ofyourmy head. By this day I stop talking to my friends because voices are just unbearable to listen to. All I hear is the sound of my avatar walking in a game, echoing in the back of my head even after I've takentookoff my headphones and completely unplugged them. After a while the footsteps start to fade, butthat didn’t stopthe sound of the mouse clicks remained, tap tap tapping in my head.^
After an hour, I'd have had enough
of thisand decidedto go downstairs and get something to eat. To my surprise, itdidn’tdoesn't work. It has been 84 hours since I've gotten any sleep, and I feel(?) as if I’m not going to get any, so I just stare at my glowing computer monitorsfor twelve more hours.^
It has been almost a hundred hours since I
havelast laid my eyes to rest, and my body feels weak and unable to do anything, but for some reason my legs cannot stop twitching. By this day the hallucinations kick in and it’s likeI have a dream butI'm dreaming, even though I’m still wide awake, sitting in my chair. I decide it’s best to go lie in my bed. The hallucinations scare me; things crawling on the roof, sounds of my own voice filling my head, and restless thoughts. All of a sudden I hear a voice that is not mineand it sayssaying 'Go to sleep' , and feel as I’m falling into nothing, darkness surrounds me, and I wake up refreshed and rejuvenated. It kills me to know this is going to repeat itselfin tilluntil the end of the summer.Hey Antha
This is very clunky, change it up. I'd go with "You may say it's the best time of the year for kids and teens; no school, the sun is bright and most of all no school."First off, welcome to YWS! It's a great place for guidance.
Alright, on to your work. The piece is pretty interesting, as insomnia can be a pretty scary thing and is quite widespread. I myself and several of my siblings have struggled with insomnia from time to time, and it's something I only wish on my greatest of enemies.
Now, the entire piece is a giant block of text. Never do this. It strains the readers eyes, we lose interest and it just looks horrible. Space it out.
There are several places where you forget to place a space before continuing a new line. Proofreading is key here.
Unless the following is a noun, a word after a comma is never in capital letters. The comma after "fill my head" is not needed either.
Good ending line.
Overall okay, work on it and expand it. Could make an interesting short if you're up for it.
Cheers
Birkhoff